So conflicted, what to do?

[coconutandlime]

So I've found myself facing an unplanned pregnancy, after a contraception failure. I'm about 5 weeks now. I already have a DC with my partner and had no desire to have anymore.
But we've found ourselves in this situation and I feel so torn on what to do. My partner has said he'll support me whatever decision I make.

As I said I've no desire to have anymore hence taking precautions, but I have always thought if it were to happen then it would happen. But now I'm in this situation I feel like I can't go through with it.

I have a medical condition which makes the pregnancy more risky and medication increases the risk of various defects in the baby. I'm petrified something will happen to me and will leave my DC without me :(

I found it incredibly hard after having my child and although from the outside people thought I was doing amazingly, I've had terrible anxiety but it's not something people know about.

Since finding out I've felt down and very tearful, I just wish I wasn't in this position. Ultimately I don't think I could manage another DC and Im terrified about the health side of things too. I think I know what decision I need to make but I'm struggling to be confident about this because it feels wrong. But then I get moments where I feel it would be lovely and I could manage, but these moments seem to be more fleeting than a constant feeling.

I've spoken to a BPAS nurse and counsellor and have a bit more time to think about it. I just never thought I'd be in this position.

Would appreciate any advice x

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this.
I've just been in a similar position and absolutely agonised about the decision. I had a termination on Monday, a decision I never thought I would be taking.
Physically I've bounced back, and although I'm very sad, I am coping as I know it was the right decision for my current DCs and I have to stay strong for them.
That said, I think if I could have seen an alternative way out I would have taken it.
I'm afraid no one can tell you what to do, but just wanted you to know you're on your own.

Thank you for you reply. It definitely helps to hear I'm not alone.

Like you I think I'll feel sad but I know it's best for my DC as that's the most important thing to me.

I'm assuming your treatment was quite text book if you've physically recovered well? I'm worried about the treatment but keep reminding myself it can be no worse than labour?

Thanks again for your kind words x

I had a surgical procedure under sedation. I was getting towards the cut off for being able to take the tablets at home, and felt like it would be more upsetting for me emotionally, and difficult to go through in the house with the kids.
Physically this was as easy as going to sleep and waking up with a mild stomach ache and some bleeding which all went within a day or two (so a walk in the park compared to labour). I may have been lucky though. Emotionally time will tell.
You do have time on your side at the moment, so you don't need to rush into anything, consider all your options and definitely make use of your partner's support.

If I'm honest the surgical procedure sounds the better option for me too but I'm not sure they'd let me.

I feel terrible thinking about going ahead but it feels like the only sensible option now I've taken everything into account.

I'm pleased you're recovering well and I hope in time you feel better emotionally :) x

OP, nobody can make the decision for you - only you know what is best for you.
However, I get the impression that you have more or less decided, and are just seeking reassurance that your choice is the correct one.
As a doctor, I would say that you are being very sensible to consider the risks to your health of continuing the pregnancy, the risk to the fetus of your medication, and the impact on your existing child.
You have a little more time to consider, if you need it, but I think you are already arriving at a wise decision.

@Babdoc I think you're right regarding the reassurance. It feels such a horrible decision to make and one that I thought I would never have to, so I think I'm feeling like I just want someone to say it's okay to do it.

My partner is supporting but has since made it clear that's it's probably not what he'd do, which is causing me some guilt. I just feel that he will never truly be able to understand my feelings and concerns. But equally I feel it probably isn't right to have a child out of guilt, especially as I have an overwhelming bad feeling about continuing.

Thank you for your advice x