Hi guys.
This is following on from a thread that I left in the pregnancy forum (link at the end). I don't know if this is the right place to put it so if mods want to move it please do.
I've just taken my first tablet in the abortion pack.
I'm 38 years old. Basically I found out I was pregnant last Wednesday and it's been a bit of a mare.
I don't even know what the point of this thread is as there are so many different angles to explore, I'm also sounding off a bit. Essentially it might allow for a springboard to anyone who has experienced any of the following:
- tokophobia (the fear of pregnancy and childbirth)
- illegal abortion
- being a pregnant immigrant in a foreign country
- Anxiety and trauma
- Internalised misogyny and identity issues
I'd like this thread to be open to anyone who might have experienced any of the above. I understand it's quite niche. Most people aren't as fucked up as I am, nor have they have these minority-on-minority experiences, but I'm going to put it out there just in case anyone else will be/is in this situation and feels like a weirdo.
Would you like to hear a story?
I've always had a deep disgust and fear of pregnancy ever since I can remember. I never liked babies, and kept my distance from them. My mum used to often "tell me off" as a pre-teen for being so uninterested in other people's small children. Even my own cousin at one point - I couldn't look at her and had to go into a different room - I was 26 years old.
Babies had always freaked me out. When I was 5 years old I was given a baby doll for my birthday from a friend of my mum's. It was one of those really realistic ones whose eyes closed when you lay it down, and drank up all the milk from the bottle. It had real eyelashes and was all dressed in pink. I threw it across the room and had a tantrum. I did not want that present and was really upset by it.
I've also always had a really difficult time being around visibly pregnant women. It freaks me out. That's not to say there's anything wrong with these things, I completely accept that I'm just weird. It affects me in the same way that people who don't like snakes or spiders feel around snakes or spiders. I want to run away, but I realise that these are human people and it would be really inappropriate and rude to visibly freak out so I tend to a) deal with it or b) make my excuses and leave the room.
I didn't use to know where this phobia had come from, after a long time I realised it was a toxic mix of gross sexism expressed by my father, internalised misogyny, compounded by a traumatic experience as an early child (my mum suffered from post natal depression ). I hated my baby brother for what he did to my mum. My dad was always oggling and mentioning other women as he walked down the, road with me (from as early as 4 or 5 years old), commenting on their "big knockers". I was "only a girl" to him, and my brother was "the boy". I got the shit babies to play with and he got the cool stuff. Formative years, eh?
I went to two Catholic schools. One of my first experiences of actual pregnancy was watching a video of a woman giving birth in secondary school which was also a convent school.
This video man, nothing was held back! They shoved the camera right up there and there was a lot of blood and pixelated poo.. and a lot of screaming. It was like a horror show. I recently found out that Helen Mirren went through a similar experience and it put her off having kids for life.
Then I started puberty - all the sexualisation. I was a late starter but suddenly all these men were looking at me in the same way that my dad used to look at and comment at other women. It was horrible as a child, and I had always know I'd turn into one of "them" eventually and when it did happen it was just as horrible as I'd expected and I wanted to escape. I never spoke to anyone about it, who would I tell? My Mum? My Dad??
When I was in my late teens I used to tell people that I was a gay man trapped in a woman's body, and at one stage went to the doctor for a full hysterectomy (he told me to fuck off - this was 20 years ago) citing that I never ever ever wanted kids. He told me I was depressed and shouldn't think about it because I didn't want a lifetime of HRT and I might change my mind. He was right about the depression and HRT- either way I've been in therapy for a very long time.
I feel better about myself as a woman now (less about sexism and objectification). But the pregnancy phobia has always latently remained.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. My husband and I had talked about what it might be like to have a kid for the past few months, but to be honest, they were mainly drunken conversations, without any real logistics or a thought as to how it would affect me. We've just bought a house. Money's tight. My work has taken a tanking since COVID and my income is basically zero. But we still talked, drunkenly, and plenty of people have it worse - we're financially stable, in a good relationship, we really love each other - 15 years man!
Honestly, I though I might be over the phobia - turns out I was just lying to myself and mainly thinking about others. I felt sorry for my mum as my brother is going through a coercively controlled break up with their barely one year old child being used as a bargaining chip. My mum had been given a really hard time (she went to visit them over lockdown and was not allowed in the house... for a wee.. she's 70 this year and had to go down the road behind a car) and I know my mum would love to play granny.
Ditto the M-i-L who is thoroughly baby obsessed.
I thought I could give them something wonderful, and my husband too, leave a little piece of us on the planet, ... all the nice thoughts.... as well as thought of not having to be old and dying alone without anyone around..... but all these thoughts without ever thinking about the effect on me and my mental health, never for once realising that I live in Poland and abortion is illegal in all circumstances here INCLUDING when there are severe birth defects to which the baby doesn't survive.
We had drunken sex one night without protection. I never have sex around my ovulation time and avoid it most of time. Usually I make sure that I'm about to start my period and that I've definitely ovulated before anything happens. Plus condoms.
Then the weekend before last I was expecting my period and had cramping but there was nothing.... and nothing...... and more nothing..... so last Wednesday I took a test and it came out positive.
My first reaction was to panic about my behaviour over the last two weeks. I'd been drinking solidly for two weeks (and a lot at that) due to ongoing months of joint pain that I'd just about had enough of, I even went for an x-ray in that time and started worrying that if I'd damaged the start of the pregnancy.
A few hours later it dawned on me there was a red flag in the scan, well there was nothing I would be able to do about it. Also my B-i-L is disabled physically, as well as on his side two children who have genetic issues.
I started searching for information as to what kind of care I could expect. I didn't even know about how to go and see a doctor as the system is different here. I became distrustful of the gynaecologists as you never know whether they will just see you as a brood-mare and things like caesarean sections are emergency only (with my phobia not good) as well as epidurals being unavailable on demand and have to be planned.
Even if I had a bad scan would they tell me?
Would they hide it for as long as possible?
And if it's bad new then what?
I would have to go abroad to get an abortion and it wouldn't be the UK cuz of covid and quarrantine. And it's not like I could stay at my mums like "Hi mum! Just come to visit Mary Stopes". And the paperwork - you can't just go get an abortion after 12 weeks in surrounding countries - you need paperwork. I'd be alone. I have no immediate family here.
Plus the fact that the literature here is so inaccessible. Reams and reams of text in Polish in really complicated language. Kudos to the NHS for their big friendly letters and simple language.
And then there's the whole being pregnant thing (imagine being terrified of snakes and then you realise that you're turning into a snake).
Needless to say I've been in a state. I ummed and ahhed but the uncertainty has been too much for me to bare. My tits fucking ache. I feel EXHAUSTED. I cry every sodding day.
On Monday I went for my scan with a gynaecologist and I lost my shit. Nearly had a panic attack and the poor woman had to calm me down. There was a gestational sac and a yolk sac. She couldn't see anything else. According to my timing she said it was 50-50 miscarriage or not. That calmed me down a little bit. Then I did more research and thought it's probably quite normal for a 5w3day scan and that she might just be a shit gyne.
I realised that under the circumstances there was no way I could go forward with this. I found a website womenhelp.org who are legit good. They help women across the world where abortion is illegal under the abortion without borders initiative.
I filled out a consultation form and sent them a donation of 75 euros to help other women in need. The doctor approved the prescription that day and they told me the package would arrive in 7-20 days. The next day they informed me they'd posted my package.
Everything goes unregistered and untracked but I was worried they might get found. That the police would come knocking. Women aren't liable to be prosecuted if they perform their own abortions, but doctors who help with abortion here are liable for up to 10 years in prison and friends who "help" are liable for two. My husband didn't "help" me.
The wait has been agonising but my post arrived this morning 4 working days after being sent. And I took the first pill this morning. Now I have to wait 24 hours.
It's sad. A perfect storm. Had I known that legal options were available for me, it might have put me a little more at ease. Maybe my anxiety wouldn't have been through the roof and I wouldn't have had to take this drastic action so early and could have implemented a wait-and-see, day-by-day method?
Had there been foreign literature, I might have been more confident that I'd get the help that I need. But as it goes there is no way I can wait to 12 or later to find out (or maybe not). And then trust a system that is so fanatical about the graciousness of women's pain (amen) that they limit your options to the point of fanaticism? Don't think so. I wish there was a list of "kind" gynecologists who are supportive of women's autonomy even though it's illegal here. Women here are able to choose their gynos but if you don't know who's good, like me, it's pot-luck.
Then have to go through childbirth with no family support network? Fuck that.
Things might have been different... but I know I've made the right decision... I don't feel in control and I'm already freaking out enough at my body changing and I'm only 6 weeks gone. I've suffered depression and anxiety all my life, and I'm really glad I've managed to keep my head above water (just about) with this. My husband has been wonderful.
So there you go. I've yummed down the first pill... and I will see you all tomorrow for round two.
If anyone wants to add anything, or experienced tokophobia, or abortion in countries where it's illegal, if you've ever been a foreigner and scared, you are not alone.
I can't be the only one.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/4266446-I-think-I-fucked-up-really-badly-Binging-x-ray-now-Im-pregnant?msgid=108107764