Hard decision

[Belinda61]

Hi,
I'm 42 with two DCs 5 and 7. Unexpectedly pregnant with my 3rd.
Tbh, I wasn't that excited about going back to the baby stage at my age, or the exhaustion/financial implications of three. However DH was supportive and said we would manage and I got my head round it. I still wasn't excited but I was ok.
Then DH told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. We've been married for over 10 years and he is the father of my other two DCs.
I know I can make a nice life on my own with my two children. The thought of going through a pregnancy and birth on my own and being a single mum of three is awful. I will have very little money, and I feel like I'll not be able to do the best for my current children either financially or attention wise, especially while they're coping with the seperation.
Also DH has made it very clear now that he won't have any interest in the new baby at all, so it will feel terribly unwanted.
I am angry and hurt by DH's behaviour but more immediately I need to decide what to do now.
I know a termination is the logical and best option for everyone concerned.
But I'm just so terribly worried I'll regret it and not be able to forgive myself. My head says termination but my heart isn't so sure.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or had a termination for the best interests of their existing children?

I'm a Bpas nurse .. I talk to women every single day in your position
This is very common - heart versus head .. made worse by emotional upset disappointment and hormones
Leave him out of it - can you manage and want another baby on your own , it doesn't sound as if you do so doing the right thing for your existing children and your own mental well-being is quite straight forward ., don't give yourself a hard time 🤗

@Belinda61. I’ve been in a similar position. Pregnant with unplanned 3rd in March. 2 young primary school children. 40. Husband did not want. Mine said that he wouldn’t have left me, but it would ruin his life and he couldn’t promise not to resent me.

I aborted. I don’t think it was what I wanted to do. And I wish the circumstances had been different. But I did it for my kids. And now we’re working on our marriage.

It’s been really hard. But, I can’t say I’d do differently if I could turn back time.

@66babe thanks so much for the reply. You can tell you're a professional as just reading your message made me feel much calmer.

@ThisWitchSinks thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm glad you feel you made the right call. I hope you continue to make positive progress working on the marriage.

How are you feeling today ? Do you have family/ friends to support you ?

@66babe I'm very wobbly today about it all. I'm booked for a termination on Monday. My friends and family are all supportive, but not local. Family think I should terminate, some friends think I'll regret it.
DH is not being very helpful and can't decide from one minute to the next whether he's leaving or not, but is definitely opposed to the pregnancy.
Thanks for asking.

Make sure you are absolutely sure what you want though
Don't go through with anything unless you are sure it's right for you

Can you picture yourself in 5/ 10 or 20 years and what decision you'd prefer to have taken? If someone said abortion is/ isn't a good option do you feel more relieved at the thought of one of those choices? (Hypothetical questions you don't need to answer here).

There's no wrong answer or correct decision and it's not your fault you're in this position, it's a really difficult situation. Whatever you decide will be the best thing you could have done at the time.

Try to work out your budget and schedule with three kids. Assuming zero imput/financial help from husband. That might help you decide ?

Have you thought about how you'd feel if you had a termination and DH still left you? What if he lost interest in the resisting children and you were on your own anyway?

I think you should presume you'll be doing this alone and make the best decision for you and your children and then if you and your DH manage to work on things it would be a bonus but atleast you made your decision for you and the kids.

This must be immensely difficult, sorry your DH is adding to an already difficult time.

Thanks for all your comments. I am now working on the assumption I'll be doing it on my own and I know for my existing children, another baby is not the best thing.
But then I am scared a termination will impact my mental health terribly, which won't be good for anyone.
He's put me in a impossible position.

We provide an excellent counselling service before or after a termination
You can have as many sessions as you like and I know most women find it really useful. Remember that pregnancy hormones and the recent upset are also impacting your mental health just now
This may settle down and as you say , when you consider you are doing this with your children in mind then you make think differently.. but please don't forget the counselling option ..

@66babe I'm going privately as the wait for Bpas was too long unfortunately. My fault as thought we were having the baby.
Do you know if I'd still be able to access the Bpas counselling service?

Not without us providing treatment unfortunately no .. the wait shouldn't be long .. I can help if you PM me

@Belinda61. I had counselling via Marie Stopes when I didn’t use them as a provider. I paid privately. But it was only about £25 for an hour. It was great.

@ED81 thanks for the advice, I'll give them a call

@66babe thanks, that's really kind of you. I've got a back up consultation with Bpas next Thursday, but I'm already over 9 weeks and just don't want to leave it much later.