Struggling with my decision

[charliebear78]

I am 43 with 2 children and on weds I found out I am pregnant.
My partner is supporting me with whatever decision I come to, though we both feel termination is the choice we need to make.
I just feel so angry and stupid that we have got ourselves in this mess.
I came off the pill several years ago mainly due to my partner wanting me to as he thought it was affecting my moods and libido..
We have since been using condoms.
I cant help but feel resentful towards him.
I feel constantly nauseous and have stomach ache
I am struggling with the idea of a termination and keep thinking of what could be...
I am bursting into tears daily for no particular reason and I just feel like he is continuing on as normal and nothing changes for him.
I have this huge decision to make and feel like shit.
Then I need to go through the actual process.
I know it is the right choice for us all but cant help all these feelings.
I have no one to talk it over with other than my partner so thank you for listening(reading)
I have a telephone consultation on Sunday and then hope to have the pills sent out.
I really just want to be happy again but wonder if I can be.

From what you have written, your partner seems to have lots of say in what you do.
Perhaps you need to think about what you want.

Thank you.
This is what I want and partner would 100 percent support whatever I wanted.
I probably have made him out to be controlling or whatever and that is so far from the truth.
This is just how I am feeling and I am struggling with it all and feel alone even though he is supportive.

Take the time to make the right decision for you, and for your future.

@charliebear78 sounds very similar to my situation. 43 next month! I instantly knew a termination would be the best for me, but still kept thinking of the what could of been scenarios. I took my tablets this week and completed the process on Wednesday this week, I'm sad and still feel disgusted with myself for getting into the situation. Husband had recently had a vasectomy, but we got caught out 😔 here for chat anytime.

@littlewillow78 yes it does seem our situations are similar.
I am almost in a daze..just cannot believe this as happened.
Did you get your tablets quickly after speaking to them?
I am hoping to do the process after work which I dont know how feasible that can be
.but i am self employed and don't want to take time off plus i would rather be busy etc.
I do feel so very sad but I do know my choice is the right one.
We dont even have a spare room nor any savings due to spending it all on renovating our house!

@charliebear78 I had my phone consultation Friday 30th April and had to go for a scan to date, the following Wednesday, which was to small.. So a re scan a week later on the 13th. It actually gave me a little more time to be sure of our decision. Even though it did feel drawn out and that made me feel even more guilty. The same for us.. With no spare room, we'd have to get a bigger car, our children are 7 and 9 so the baby stuff has been long gone. Our lives would have to change so much. I know I will always wonder the what ifs.. But we have to make a choice that we feel will suit our life at the time and for us having to start again at 43 is not the right thing. Hopefully your medication will be posted out to you.

Oh goodness I hope so..I really do not want to drag this on for any longer.
I am struggling with nausea so it's not pleasant and combine this with the guilt and doubt its hard.
Thanks for sharing with me.

@charliebear78 how did your consultation appointment go today?

@littlewillow78 thank you for thinking of me.
It went fine..I was hoping to just get the pills sent to me but an appointment has been made for weds.
I did ask for the earliest they could give me.
They didnt say but I presume I will be scanned,which for some reason I'm dreading.. it just makes it all feel so much more real
I do feel better now I have a date set and know soon it will all be over but I am still very emotional and feel so guilty that I am denying a life.
How are you feeling now?
Did you struggle with it or once it was done did everything become easier?
I am even bloody scared about resuming sex!

@charliebear78 yes I was incredibly emotional throughout, the lady who scanned me was so nice, she did ask if I wanted to see, I didn't look at the screen or ask about a heartbeat,, but I did look at a print out and took a photo on my phone, I wanted my husband to see, I don't know.. Maybe to see if it would change his mind, even though I knew deep down it was the right choice to terminate the pregnancy. I think maybe we just question ourselves about the what ifs?
I struggled to take the 1st tablet and was so tearful on the run up to taking it. I'm now 5 days post treatment and I do feel so much better emotionally. I know deep down it was the right option for us and our family. Although I will always wonder what could of been.
Be kind to yourself.. It really is the hardest decision.

@charliebear78 how did you get on with your appointment today?

@Littlewillow78 I had an appointment made for 1,however at 10 30 I got a text to say it had been cancelled die to a technical error-I cried.
I rung back and now have one for tomorrow Afternoon,I plan to work Friday as usual and then take the second dose after work..I have a lot on this Weekend and hope I will be okay by then?
I have been bleeding on and off since I found out I was pregnant and today it is quite heavy, plus I have constant belly ache-I don't know what to think..I just hope this next appointment goes ahead.
I am going with my OH so I have asked my Mum to collect our 6yr old from School-made a crappy excuse up, I do not want anyone to know.
I still just feel so rubbish.
It means a lot you are asking after me. so Thank you x

@charliebear78 I've been thinking of you.. Sounds funny, but it's comforting to talk to someone who's going through a similar situation!
You'll definitely need to take it easy for 24 hours after the 2nd dose. I know everyone is different, but I felt completely wiped out, and very delicate.
Glad you managed to get an appointment for tomorrow. The wait is agonising! Maybe the bleeding is the start of a miscarriage? Hope all goes OK for you tomorrow and over the weekend! I'll be checking in to see if your OK x

@littlewillow78 I haven't told anyone other than my partner so it is nice to be able to talk to you..especially as you have gone through it.
Did you tell anyone else?
I was wondering if the bleeding was a miscarriage(then I wouldn't have to feel this guilt)
I should be able to take it easy,least I wont be at work until Tuesday.
Thank you for thinking if me..it helps and I will update after tomorrow

@charliebear78 no I haven't told anyone else. I'd feel to ashamed. Only myself and husband know.
I'm often wondering why we don't talk about it to our close friends.. Afraid of their thoughts and reactions I guess. Then I wonder how many other people go through the same.
I'm feeling so much better this week in myself, relieved its over and went relatively smoothly.. The fear of the process and reading some of the story's. I'm still bleeding but it's more of a heavy period now. I did have an evening on day 5 of heavy clots for 3/4 hours.. But after checking on Google.. It appears normal!
I did expect to feel more sad and regret my decision. Which Ive not. So I know I've made the right choice. X

@LittleWillow78 I am so glad you are feeling better about everything and have no regrets.
It is tough when we cannot talk it over with people in "real Life"-For this reason I have found MN a big help-Even just reading others stories helps.

I went for my Appointment this Afternoon,They did the Scan and reckon I am about 6 weeks,However there was no yolk sac! So no Baby!!! They diagnosed a Blighted Ovum.
He couldn't give me any pills as they do not offer a in clinic option so would have to be at home and it is against their protocol( I went through Marie Scopes)
So I now have another appointment made at an Hospital closer to home and I think they will give me the pills-and I may have to stay in to be checked.
I am bleeding heavier now so I don't know!!-maybe I will miscarry myself and not need to have any medication.
I feel confused but relieved that it has been taken out of my hands now in a way.
I still would have chose to terminate and probably will still have to go through the process.
They did throw Ectopic Pregnancy out there but told me not to worry and I was scanned for this.
x

Hey @charliebear78 how have you been getting on? Yes I bet it still was a bit of a shock hearing the news.. Even if your kind of expecting it.. It still plays on our emotions. Hope your next appointment isn't to far away and it's all over for you soon enough so you can move on.
I had to call bpas last night as I'd had heavy bleeding all day for 12 hrs.. They said its completely normal.. Much better today.. Just emotionally draining.

Hi again @littlewillow78 Hows things going for you now?
I finally got my tablets and have just taken the 2nd dose,I am still annoyed and slightly confused why it took so long for me to receive them,Getting the news that the pregnancy was not viable made all this easier to take-I would have really struggled with the wait etc if things had been different.
It has been a strange few weeks and I am already sick of bleeding and having stomach ache.
Things at home have slipped because I have been so consumed by all this, anyway I feel things are now returning to normal.
I really just wanted to come back to say Thank you for your support it really has helped and I appreciate it.
x

Oh @charliebear78 I hope you've been OK this afternoon after your tablets.. Take some time to rest for a few days as much as you can. I'm still feeling washed out.. Like I have zero energy and so tired.
Last Monday I started bleeding again and then on the Tuesday flooding pads whist out for the day with my family. It was pretty horrific trying to hide it from the children with blood trailing down my legs into my shoes. I called bpas again and they advised to monitor and if it continued to the morning to go to A & E. Thankfully it stopped and the next day I was so much better. They did say retained products. I was supprised at how much one bleeds with a 6 week pregnancy loss! Anyway today I'm pretty much stopped.. Just spotting. Although I had a positive preg test 3 weeks post treatment. I just have to repeat the test again in a week.
Really hope your doing OK this afternoon.. Hopefully by the weekend you'll be feeling so much better xx

Oh No @Littlewillow78 it sounds like you have had it quite badly, That all sounds quite stressful, you probably thought everything was done and no more worry, Nothing is ever straightforward huh?
I started this process at 2 30 and so far nothing has really happened, I have been bleeding quite heavily for 2 weeks and both Friday and Sunday I passed a large clot/tissue blob..I also had pretty bad stomach ache Sunday morning before I passed the clot/blob, so this leads me to wonder if that was it then?
I did try to mention this to the Nurse I saw when I took my first pill but she couldn't have been more uninterested- she was horrible and I felt so judged, previously everyone had been so nice and caring that I have seen or spoken to.
I doubt taking these pills will do me any harm if it has already happened-or I will be one of the ones whom it can take hours/days to pass!!!
I hope things continue to improve for you
The sun certainly helps.

@charliebear78 wow I can't believe the nurse was so unpleasant. It really doesn't help at all when someone isn't so kind.
Hopefully yours has all passed already then. Did you have to have another scan before the medication to see if the miscarriage was underway?
Oh the sunshine definitely helps and a busy half term helped keep my mind off things and hopefully did you a little bit x
Fingers crossed for you that its all behind you very soon. I just want to put it to rest and move on now.