I can't decide what to do

[Anonadviceinapickle]

I've got myself into such a silly situation, name changed for this.

ExDH and I split up last year. We have 2 children aged 9 and 12. A few weeks back we got a bit too friendly and now I'm 6 weeks pregnant. I'm at uni, about to go into my final year, have a 3 bedroom house with the kids in their own rooms. I'm 36.

I just don't know what to do, a lot of the time I really want to keep the baby despite all of the difficulties I know will come with it, finishing a degree with a newborn, money will be tight, starting over after such a long time. Other times I think it would be so much more sensible to end the pregnancy and continue on with my life that I'm perfectly happy with now. I'm so scared that I'll regret ending the pregnancy but then I worry that I'll have made the wrong choice in keeping it.

I haven't told exDH yet, I'm sure he won't be too happy but would ultimately support any decision I make.

How do you make a decision like this?

It's so tough, whatever you decide there will be "what ifs" The good thing is you have time to decide what to do and don't have to rush your decision.

Hi OP,

I can’t tell you what to decide but I can give a little perspective on being at uni with a newborn and on starting over.
I have 3 uni degrees and I earned them all while pregnant or breastfeeding. Easy/ideal? No. Doable? Yep.
My first 3 kids are for my ex-DH and when my youngest of them was 9 I had a baby with my current partner. I was 36. The thought of starting over with a 9 year gap seemed overwhelming. But once baby arrived my fears were unfounded. Having the older kids has been such a lovely blessing. They help out and are so hands on, not because they are made to but because they want to. They are 15,14,10 and they play with their baby sister (20 months) and care for her in the most heartwarming way. As for me, it’s been really lovely, aside from the obvious reduction in sleep! I’m 38 now, still feel young and really enjoying motherhood from a different and more experienced perspective this time around.
I guess you can only make the best decision for your circumstances and whether you’re ok with having another little one to look after. Either way please make sure the choice is yours alone. There are just too many sad stories of women who made decisions they regret based on pressure from others or fears and anxiety or wanting to please others. In my personal experience (I’ve had two terminations) it is far far easier to heal and cope when you are confident in your decision and you’ve made it for yourself. Counselling is something I highly recommend before you decide, if you can.

@ChickaboomZoom thank you for that. I am wondering how much of my fear about proceeding has to do with other people's reactions. Telling work will be awkward as they all know that I'm not with exDH any more. I suspect my parents (dad at least) will be less than thrilled although I know that will be because he'll be worried that I'm making my own life harder.

Obviously doing a dissertation with a newborn will be less than ideal and also due date falls right on winter exams. However also I'd get SMP from work so I wouldn't have that taking up every weekend and potentially I could get some help with the the baby from my many siblings.

I generally think I'm quite capable, I live down the street from exDH and he's here a lot anyway with the existing children.

I've wasted a whole day when I should be doing an assignment just going back and forth about this. I don't know if I just need to sit with it for a couple of weeks and revisit once this semester is done.

Sending you support. I suppose what I have learnt is that there is not always an ideal time to have a baby.
I have had a termination. The emotional aspect is the part i found incredibly difficult to deal with and more than the physical side.
It truly is an individual decision though. Perhaps consider some counselling?

Maybe you need to discuss it with DH and see what he thinks? It depends partly on how much practical support he's prepared to give if you have the baby.

Uni can be deferred. Take it out of the equation and weigh up whether you want to continue the pregnancy.

Just a bit of an update. Still not on a final decision, I'm swaying towards keeping the baby at the moment. I appreciate all your comments and opinions.

It's consuming my thoughts the last week or so and it's so difficult to know what to do. I terminated a pregnancy when I was 18 without hesitation and have never had a moment's regret about it and this time it isn't like that.

@Anonadviceinapickle, I can only imagine that it’s consumed you over the last week or so.

It sounds very different from when you were aged 18. There’ is a hesitation with this pregnancy that is worth perhaps listening to.

Have you had counselling the BPAS or Marie stopes?

Hi anyone who's still here. I've decided not to continue with the pregnancy. Its been a really awful decision but I'm not prepared to risk the happiness of my 2 children who are already here and I think an extra baby in a too small house with barely any income is just too big a risk.

We have a lovely life right now and much as I know the baby would be loved I have to make the decision based on the facts.

I have my first appointment with the termination clinic tomorrow, unfortunately I'm nearly 10 weeks pregnant now so I'm not sure what my options are. Oddly I really want to see the baby when they scan me - I don't know if this is a terrible idea or if they'll even let me see it.

Thanks for listening and supporting. It really is very much appreciated.

@Anonadviceinapickle How did you get on today? I had surgical at 9 weeks and I wish I hadnt got as far as that but I needed that time to decide what the hell to do

I was worried what they would think of me but I asked for a scan picture on the day of the A , they said of course and that it was much more common than you think! Its very painful to look at it ( which i rarely do for that reason ) but I also like knowing I Have it

Its such a horrific decision to make hope you are doing ok xxx

Hi I got on ok. Baby was only measuring 8 weeks so I'm not sure if things would be coming to a natural end anyway since I should be 10 weeks by now. I did look at the scan, I wish I'd asked for a picture now.

I'm having medical at home on Thursday this week which I'm not looking forward to at all but I'm hoping I'll feel better once it's done. They wouldn't offer surgical which I'd have preferred.

Aahhhh thats tough! why wouldnt they let you have surgical? I hope all goes well today & you have support , maybe hold on to the fact that naturally things might have been deciding for you xxx

@ZAK3 things didn't go great yesterday so they wouldn't start the process. I was really upset, even though I'm certain of my decision it's still sad and obviously hormones are flying about etc.

I now have a really busy couple of weeks at work and can't get any cover but the nurse yesterday was absolutely lovely and said to call and I can book back in for when I have time (that sounds awful I know but I need this job to keep us afloat).

I will have to go into hospital for the day to complete the termination but I'm ok with that, it's bloody covid for the surgical, they're only doing them where there's a 'medical need' whatever that means.

So anyway, another couple of weeks of waiting for now, unless nature takes its course in the meantime.