Termination real talk

[loves2plan]

Hi everyone, first time posting here. Recently found out I am pregnant (around 8 weeks). Been seeing partner for around 4 months so it's definitely come a bit soon however I wasn't stressed when I found out - I've wanted to be a mum all my life. Partner almost had a panic attack the other night, said he can see a future with kids but maybe not this soon (he is 30 and I am 27). I've read lots about termination but I just want to know from people's experiences - how horrible is it? I'm guessing will be around 10 weeks gone by the time I can get in if that is what we decide to do. It makes me feel sick thinking about it and how it would live with me. Any advice welcome, thanks in advance.

By saying you’ve wanted to be a mum all your life, I really think you would regret a termination. I can’t give you any advice as I’ve never been in that situation, but please don’t make the decision lightly as I’d hate for you to regret it

You ask how horrible is it? Not horrible as far as the procedure, I had surgical and local anaesthetic, took a few mins and I went to the supermarket on the way home.

The question is, is it right for you and I can't say whether it will emotionally is horrible for you. I had two kids, one with sn so the decision was quite different

@Thefaceofboe

By saying you’ve wanted to be a mum all your life, I really think you would regret a termination. I can’t give you any advice as I’ve never been in that situation, but please don’t make the decision lightly as I’d hate for you to regret it

Thank you for your response. I keep going over and over in my mind and I just don't know what to do for the best. I am just out of a 10 year relationship with someone who I probably never would've ended up having a family with and now this is all happening very fast. Was really enjoying getting to know someone properly again and certainly hadn't envisioned a baby this soon. The good news is at least he hasn't bolted and said we'll get through it together whatever decision. I know he's leaning more towards termination but at the end of the day he's not the one that would have the psychological (and possibly physical) damage of it.

I had a medical termination 12 years ago, was in a similar situation to you but only 21 and was not ready for a baby or to be a parent. I have never regretted it. I had a missed miscarriage last year at 17 weeks and the procedure to resolve that situation was the same as the termination which was a strange turn of events. It was less painful physically than I remembered but obviously emotionally a lot worse when it’s a baby you wanted. Happy to talk specifics with you if you want to know xxx

@minniemomo

You ask how horrible is it? Not horrible as far as the procedure, I had surgical and local anaesthetic, took a few mins and I went to the supermarket on the way home.

The question is, is it right for you and I can't say whether it will emotionally is horrible for you. I had two kids, one with sn so the decision was quite different

Thank you for sharing your experience. I was thinking it would likely be a medical termination which certainly reads like the procedure is a bit worse than surgical?

@Ameteurmum

I had a medical termination 12 years ago, was in a similar situation to you but only 21 and was not ready for a baby or to be a parent. I have never regretted it. I had a missed miscarriage last year at 17 weeks and the procedure to resolve that situation was the same as the termination which was a strange turn of events. It was less painful physically than I remembered but obviously emotionally a lot worse when it’s a baby you wanted. Happy to talk specifics with you if you want to know xxx

Thank you for sharing. That's the thing in my mind I guess - I just don't know if I will regret it or not. I know I want kids, and I'd even go so far as to say I know I want kids with my current partner. I just don't know if it's all a bit soon. But then I worry it will never happen again if we go ahead with termination

It's not horrible in my experience. When I went through it, it was the option I definitely wanted, it was like a panic to go in and get it over with.

I did the surgical option - pain afterwards was the same as period pain, and I was sick after due to the anaesthetic. But other than that I was fine by the evening, back to 'normal' by the next day.

So in terms of the physical experience of it it's really not bad. It's more about what you really want to do and how you'll feel after. I found that in my experience I worried I would be really traumatised after but I actually wasn't because I made the decision that was right for me.

@georgarina

It's not horrible in my experience. When I went through it, it was the option I definitely wanted, it was like a panic to go in and get it over with.

I did the surgical option - pain afterwards was the same as period pain, and I was sick after due to the anaesthetic. But other than that I was fine by the evening, back to 'normal' by the next day.

So in terms of the physical experience of it it's really not bad. It's more about what you really want to do and how you'll feel after. I found that in my experience I worried I would be really traumatised after but I actually wasn't because I made the decision that was right for me.

Thank you, I do worry it will be traumatising. If you don't mind me asking, what made you decide to go with surgical rather than medical? In my head I've just thought I would do medical but not sure the difference in after affects etc. Got a telephone consultation with BPAS tomorrow and one with a midwife on Weds.

I had the surgical procedure at 13 weeks years ago. It was very straightforward and painless.

I had general anaesthetic, woke up with mild period pains, and after a couple of days of bleeding was completely fine.

@loves2plan I chose surgical because I wanted to go to sleep and wake up and have it be over, which is pretty much how it was. I liked that there was no waiting, very little pain, I didn't see anything, and it was all over at once. Good luck with your consultation x

@georgarina thank you - I think that sounds much more pleasant than a medical termination

I had a medical termination at 15 weeks about 10 years ago. I absolutely did not want a baby and didn't know I was pregnant until 14 weeks (I still bled) so I was 100% certain it was what I wanted.

It was really physically painful. I didn't really realise I'd basically have to give birth. The painkillers I was given made me puke a lot and didn't get chance to work and I passed the baby on the toilet and saw it all. I naively didn't know it would be so fully formed. I remember looking at its little feet and toes.

Once it was over it was fine. I was back to normal the next day. I can honestly say tho, the trauma of the whole event has stayed with me and now I have a child and I am pregnant again I do think of it often, wonder if it was a girl or boy and what might have been.

You said 'I've wanted to be a mum all my life". To be honest IME some men are never ready. In fact I found myself in my late thirties having wasted time when I was married with a man who was more interested in cars and not quite ready for children. Time crept on and finally got divorced and a new relationship happened. Finally I met a man who was ready (perhaps being 10 years older than me helped), however although I got pregnant quickly, I sadly had two miscarriages (age 37 and 39). More time ticked on and I'm now 40 and currently 14 weeks.

It's ok for men, their fertile window doesn't end as rapidly as women's if ever. They have all the time in the world. If you want this baby why not do this. To be frank, if he didn't want children he should have worn a condom. This man is 30, hardly a teenager. If you have a termination for your partner 'not ready' you may hold resentment later in the relationship.

Wishing you all the best

Your post resonates with me as I've been in your situation and bizarrely I have gone with both options. I came out of a horrible long term relationship and was sort of seeing someone, 4 months in i fell pregnant (having been told I was infertile!) I had always wanted to be a mum but had just come to terms with the idea it would never happen so it was a massive shock. I kept the baby but did so with it set in stone in my head that I would be keeping the baby and doing so as a single mother - I did this because the relationship was so young and also because for me it could well have been my only chance at being a mum. Well.... 5 years later we're still together and engaged!

I ended up compartmentalising pregnancy/baby and our relationship so we somehow managed to take things slowly-ish with our relationship whilst also having a baby! (I realise I'm making no sense here!)

On the flip side, I fell pregnant again whilst on the pill 18 months after my daughter was born! (it appears my DP is very fertile lol) having spent my entire adult life frequently going months on end with no period it wasn't unusual for me to not have periods. The first I knew that I was pregnant was when I felt a hard lump when I was lying down. I was utterly convinced I had a tumour and decided to take a test before going to the Dr as I knew they would ask if I was. It was positive and I was 15 weeks pregnant. I really struggled with being a mum in the early days and knew I most definitely wouldn't cope with another baby/child so I had a surgical termination. The worst part was waiting for the appointment - the things that were going round my head were intrusive and vile however once I had the procedure I felt nothing but relief. It was painless and I bled for a few days afterwards but other than that I had no horrible effects.

@Toastedsesame thank you for your honesty, this is what concerns me! OH says it won't look like a baby which is easy for him to say because he's not the one that will have to go through it all. Sounds really horrible - the pain, the passing, all of it. Just a huge decision to make, I think equal to deciding to go ahead with the pregnancy to be honest.

@LCDIT thank you. I do agree that some people are never ready and it's one of those things you don't know how you'll feel until it actually happens. OH wasn't shocked when I told him, the panic seems to have set in over the past week or so and I think it's because it's become a bit more real - especially the possibility of actually going ahead with it. I just can't help but think that if we terminate and stay together and go on to have kids eventually I will always wonder about this one. And when ever is the "right time"?!

@Nobranothanks that's really great that everything worked out for you with your current partner. If this happens for us I hope to be the same but I'm not sure I want to do this on my own. I just bought my own house after my separation and now we're talking about "where will we live when the baby comes?" but I don't want to live anywhere else except the house I just spent my time getting how I want. But there wouldn't be enough room here for all of us. It's so difficult! Your experience with surgical termination doesn't sound as bad as some of the things I have read about medical termination so maybe I just need to consider that option as I had previously discounted it. Phone call with BPAS this afternoon so going to get some advice and then properly weigh up what we will do after that I think

I had a surgical abortion at 5 weeks, so very early.
I just had local anaesthetic, no sedation, and it was completely fine. Bad cramping for maybe 30 seconds during the actual procedure, then just mild period-like pains for a couple of days. The procedure itself was extremely quick, I was in the room for maybe 10 mins, procedure itself only about 5, including a 2 min wait in the middle to make sure the anaesthetic had time to work.
But obviously 5 weeks is very early, so I don’t know how much my experience would translate to one even a few weeks later.

No one can decide but you and I wish you all the best with your decision. I recommend you talk it through with a pro-abortion counsellor or advisor if you can. I can give some info about the techniques, based on my knowledge about missed misscarriage procedures: At 10 weeks you may see the fetus and if you do it will have started to look like a baby (not exactly, but has general shape and some finer features) if you have a medical termination. Medical termination would cause basically contractions and may be painful. Surgical under general anaesthetic is pretty painless and straightforward but may not be ordered. Surgical MVA under local not general anaesthesia can be quite painful for some people. Medical fails and requires surgery fairly regularly (1 in 10 or so) All have roughly the same infection rate (low) and bad outcomes are v rare.

A pre abortion counsellor not pro abortion counsellor

Hi @loves2plan,

How are you now? Any clearer?x

Hi all, apologies for the delayed response on this thread. I went ahead with the treatment at the weekend - the pregnancy was much earlier than we thought (dating around 7 weeks opposed to 10). The pain after I took the 4 vaginal tablets was absolutely unbearable and I bled a lot but I am glad I made the decision I did and I don't feel any regret because I knew it was the right thing to do. I don't want to start my life on a crisis and hopefully a time will come when I am/we are more ready to start a family. I've been through a lot this year already - coming out of a ten year relationship and moving out of my home to buy another, I'm ready to get going and make the most of my life. Thank you all for your support, advice and concern.

Hope you're ok and glad you made the best decision for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Xxx