Mixed emotions

[April98]

Hi MN's
I found out on Monday that I was 4 weeks pregnant. I was not taking contraception and purposely came off contraception so that I could conceive, however we were planning on this to be at around end of summer based on what my gyny estimated my fertility to return.
Since finding out I have been in shock, I haven't really cried or smiled or felt any feeling of happiness, more worry over happiness.
I've used online calculators and my due date is around New Years which is a heavy weight on why I am considering termination. Christmas is hectic with my family and we lost a significant family member early January this year and I get an overwhelming feeling that I won't be able to feel joy and happiness around this time of year despite it being the due date for our little one.
I have called BPAS and booked an appointment for next Friday, since then I have had such mixed emotions on whether or not I can go through with termination or if I should continue

• we don't have the savings we would need or were hoping for as we anticipated a mid 2022 baby which I think is adding to my anxiety

I am currently 24 years old and have always wanted children young - now I'm pregnant I'm thinking what the heck do we do?? Has anyone experienced anything similar? I feel so awful for not feeling happy! Is this just overwhelment and shock or am I genuinely feeling unhappy about this. I welcome any advise or personal stories

So obviously it’s up to you but termination can affect your fertility going forward. The due date of my little girl was on the birthday of a family member who died last year and honestly I thought the same way you did but it actually helped bring light to the whole situation.

It’s not true that abortion will affect your fertility so don’t listen to that or let that guide your decision. However it’s also very normal to feel overwhelmed by a pregnancy and down - even with planned ones. Why don’t you ask bpas for a counselling appointment to help you work out your feelings.

I was always under the impression that termination did not have any impact upon future fertility, unless it comes with complications such as infections
My appointment is still a few more days away but I keep having conflicting thoughts each day, will be calling BPAS today to speak to someone

That really isn’t true about termination affecting your future fertility. I had a termination fairly recently. The BPAS nurse I spoke to was on the phone with me for almost an hour, no question left unanswered and extremely understanding and compassionate. I agree with Dancingbea - talking to a BPAS counsellor is a good idea. I’m absolutely not saying termination is the way to go, but talking to trained professionals who have heard from women of all different mindsets could be really helpful.

Honestly, this sounds a little crazy to me. You were actively trying to conceive (no contraception + sex = trying to conceive, however you label it), you are wanting a baby a few months later, you just don't want it born 9ver the Christmas/new year period.

You may not well conceive in a few months, or your baby could be born early, you could end up conceiving again at the same time of year. Having an 'ideal' time of year to have a baby and hoping that you get lucky at just the right time is one thing, to terminate and try again in 3-6m is very different.

And whilst I do understand wanting to avoid that time of year because of your bereavement, avoiding Christmas because it's hectic is totally bizzare. It's going to get a lot more hectic once children come along, irrespective of when they are born.

Assuming your bereavement is perhaps a parent (😢) then a birth in April would coincide with mother's Day, or June for father's Day.

Babies also have a window of arrival of about a month (though can live if born 3 months early). Once you start thinking through all the variables, then you are looking at some very specific Windows if time conceiving.

@Babyboomtastic I completely respect your opinion on this however I know plenty of family and friends who 'planned' their children for a certain time of the year so it was more convinient for them around work commitments, house moves, weddings etc
We wasn't actively trying and did not have sex for a few days before and after the fertile window just to make sure which is why I think I'm in such a shock that I have had positive tests

It's been a few days since I found out now and I am really anxious about making a decision. Some days I feel like this will all be okay and to continue and some days I have such bad thoughts I feel sick. I am hoping my thoughts become more clear in the next few days. Appointment is next Friday

Planning it's one thing, but you've already conceived, so I think it's a little different. It sounds to me like it's more the shock of succeeding so quickly. I'm not sure how much you 'oh crap' worries will really be reduced though if you terminate this pregnancy and start again in 3 months time.

Obviously sometimes after a termination a woman may decide actually to try for a baby after all, but to plan to do so just at a more convenient time shortly after raises so many potential issues for you.

You'd likely be pregnant around your original due date, and you'll be constantly reminded of your choice, whilst at the same time trying to get excited about the new baby's development. It's going to be really, really hard. It's likely to make the new year period even harder for you, knowing that you 'should have been due' then, or at the least, really really weird.

Neither of my children were conceived through the sort of 'trying' you see on MN -, no scheduled sex, no ovulation strips. In fact neither were conceived when I was at a fertile part of my cycle, we just ditched the contraception. I think most people do the same and I'm confused because I recognised your name and realised it's from a ttc board on here where your said you been TTC for 3 months

I think it's worth exploring why you are panicking (it's a pretty normal reaction to even a planned pregnancy) or you may well feel the same in 3-6m.

Best of luck.

Have you considered that a termination might be equally as traumatic as a birth that coincides with a busy time.

What does your partner want?

Maybe this is a sign that at 24 you may not be as ready for a child as you had imagined.