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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Abortion Advice

17 replies

Chezzerz · 21/04/2021 02:39

Hello everyone, I found out I’m pregnant today. I should be happy but I am conflicted.

I have 2 kids (one DD From a previous relationship, I am really good friends with her dad but we were too young to make it work) And another DD (18m) from my current disastrous relationship.

I was single parent for a long time, met my current partner and he was a godsend in the beginning. We had an amazing relationship and I got pregnant after a while of us being together. He went through something traumatic in my pregnancy and ever since has just been extremely difficult to deal with and just not very nice, I have tried to understand and be there got him but there is only so much I can take. I struggle financially now because of his lack of help (I was financially stable before him). He helps here and there financially but nowhere near what is reasonable although we live in the same house, he actually has savings but we don’t see them. We argue constantly and it’s just not a healthy environment (it is not blazing rows but there is nothing we can agree in anymore even if it is the simplest issue, it’s like we are now two different people but we were once so in sync). I was actually planning to leave him at the end of the month but I’ve just found out about this pregnancy.

Fortunately I have a forged a successful career for myself and although I will be leaving my current job shortly as it is no longer compatible with my family life, I have good job prospects moving forward.

The plan was to leave him, remain amicable for the baby but set my new life up for myself and my children. Now this baby just changes things. I definitely want to leave him he’s not for me at all and this relationship Is horrendous. And I am 99.9% sure that I want an abortion. He would be extremely unhappy if he found out so I would probably have to hide it from him but that makes me feel awful. He usually is the one who lies (he recently cheated and also gave me an infection to add insult to injury) and I feel like I’m as bad as him if I don’t tell him but also I feel like if I told him it would result in a barrage of arguments and judgement from him and his family. I feel trapped.

Please don’t judge me and I hope I don’t offend anyone but I feel super alone and don’t have anyone to turn to. I just want to run! Ideally if he was the man I thought he was to begin with I would keep the baby happily but I’m struggling with our DD who has just started somewhat sleeping through the night and he doesn’t come home until late and is unpleasant when he is here and not the most helpful, it’s like having another child!

Any advice would be appreciated, my life is a mess right now, only good thing is my children and career, I want to be free.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2021 02:46

If you're going to have an abortion, don't tell him. Because he would either agree and therefore it doesn't matter. Or he wouldn't, and would either get more abusive or would be incredibly sad. Either way, there's no 'win' for him. You just saving both of you pain.

I get that honestly is important to you and that he lies so you want to maintain the moral high ground. In this case the sensible, and best, course is to not tell him.

Good luck.

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user1471549213 · 21/04/2021 03:02

Agree with above poster OP. You feel guilty about not telling him but you are pretty certain he will make you feel horrendous if you do. Why would you put yourself through that with a man who seems to treat you so badly anyway. Make your plans, have a termination and leave him. Best of luck OP x

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Jamboree01 · 21/04/2021 03:03

I’m confused by the advice above for many reasons. Hypocrisy being one.

My exh sounds similar to your partner. I got pregnant with my last child at the end of a long, horrible road. I didn’t realise it was near the end of the road or how awful the situation that I was in actually was. I’m 💯 happy that exh is out of my life (apart from his fortnightly few hours with the kids) but I could never be without my last child (or any of them) but he was definitely meant to be here.

Give yourself some time to think about it. Life rarely works out according to the plans we have in our heads- sometimes it works out better.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2021 03:16

Is it hypocrisy Jam or that you think someone who wants an abortion should be talked out of it? If OP wants an abortion, it's her decision and her business. 💯 percent.

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category12 · 21/04/2021 05:42

It sounds like you know what you think is the best course for you. You're not alone, many women make similar choices and some things just aren't the right timing. Flowers

I would get on with splitting up with him, as he sounds awful, and move on with your life.

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BadNomad · 21/04/2021 05:56

If keeping the baby means you'll have to stay there and therefore force your children to witness this awful relationship drag on further then my advice is to not continue with the pregnancy. You almost have your freedom and stability.

The man gave you an STI ffs. You owe him nothing. Tell him or don't tell him. Whatever makes life easier for you. I wouldn't waste my time wondering if telling him is the right thing to do.

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Timeishere · 21/04/2021 06:06

No judgement here.
But you don't need to tell him anything. My grandmother has often said that women don't need to tell their husbands everything, that women have their secrets too. Particularly when the partner/husband is being secretive themselves.
My husband doesn't know that I had an abortion before we met, never told him. I know it's not the same though.
My only advice would be to give it a small amount of time to make sure you're making the righr decision. I've never regretted my decision at all, but I also had my 2nd child when I was in a rocky relationship (albeit, no adultery or STIs involved), but I'm so glad I had her.

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updownroundandround · 21/04/2021 07:03

@Chezzerz

Follow your heart and do what you think is the right thing for you.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, this decision is yours.

If you decide to have an abortion, then I agree that there would be nothing to gain by telling him.

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RizzleRazzle · 21/04/2021 07:32

I think it sounds like the right decision for you OP and I'm glad you've decided to end the relationship as he doesn't sound worth your time at all

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coginamachine · 21/04/2021 08:21

This sounds like such a difficult time for you already and then to find out you are pregnant it's no wonder you feel conflicted. Do you have someone that is neutral and wouldn't judge you to talk this through with to help you work through your feelings.

As a woman you have options.

Your local BPAS clinic can provide you with support to help you feel confident and sure of any decision you make.

How are you feeling today?

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osbertthesyrianhamster · 21/04/2021 08:23

You owe him FA. Tell him nothing. Your body, your choice. Best of luck. No judgement from me! Flowers

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pointythings · 21/04/2021 08:31

If having this child is going to jeopardise your job and your financial independence, forcing you to stay with your partner, it's a no-brainer. However brilliant your relationship was to start with, it's awful now and you need to get out. Your partner needs to work on resolving his issues, but that's for him to do, not you. Have the abortion, don't tell him, move on.

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Chezzerz · 21/04/2021 08:38

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments... I feel so much better, I felt awful last night, but you’re all right.

Honestly in a half decent relationship I would have kept the baby but this relationship is awful. I have not been happy in 3 years. It’s always lies, he is disrespectful, he has cheated and thinks he is above everyone including his own parents. I already feel sorry for our DD that she has to grow up and will one day witness the kind of man he is.

Secretly his parents (who are separated) have both told me he doesn’t deserve me and I genuinely did not see any red flags at all until I was pregnant with our DD.

Unfortunately I know keeping it would have a negative impact on myself and my girls and will throw me further in to debt/depression because the support is just not there and you are all right that if I tell him he will guilt trip me and try to force me to keep it as he has been saying he wants another baby since the birth of our DD, I honestly think he loves the idea of a mini him (our DD is his twin) rather than assisting with the work involved with raising children. I really don’t want to bring another baby in to this misery, it’s just not fair.

Thank you all so much, I don’t feel like an awful human being now, off I got to book an appointment. I hope you all have a wonderful day!

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Treetops73 · 21/04/2021 10:38

FWIW @Chezzerz, I think you are making the right decision. You sound like a strong, sensible and capable woman. Good things lie ahead for you when your partner is gone. 💐

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2021 15:23

All the best @Chezzerz

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Chezzerz · 21/04/2021 15:39

Thank you!!!

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Jamboree01 · 21/04/2021 19:22

@MrsTerryPratchett

Is it hypocrisy Jam or that you think someone who wants an abortion should be talked out of it? If OP wants an abortion, it's her decision and her business. 💯 percent.

Advising someone to take some time to think about such a huge decision isn’t trying to talk them out of it and I didn’t say it wasn’t 💯 her business so you should probably mind your own.

The decision is made. The hypocrisy is some of the advice given.

Good luck OP. Wishing you all the best 💐
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