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Pregnancy choices

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How do I get over termination

14 replies

Chunkybutfunky1 · 18/04/2021 11:05

Today I saw the baby for the first time, a healthy 7w4d heart beating little thing. What would have been my 3rd. There it was on a private scan in black and white.

We’ve chose to terminate. I’m too ill, too down, too everything to carry on with the pregnancy but im grieving before I’ve even took the pills. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this pain and grief and what’s worse is I chose to terminate.

I’m obviously writing into the universe.. nobody has to actually write back or even read this. I guess I just need somewhere to talk and vent my anger, frustration, grief, sorrow, pain. The baby is unplanned, and unlike my other two, technically unwanted. But why do I feel so awful? Like it’s died and I didn’t have a choice because I was backed into a corner of shitty events?

I was always pro choice, but in all honesty, no one ever talks about the anguish a termination brings because we’re all meant to be proud we can even get it, I’m glad I have the choice, however, utterly devastated I’m having to do what I’m doing.

My DH (the only person that knows) is shutting down, emotionless because he doesn’t know how to handle it all, so I’m basically doing it alone with 2 small children to care and there for also with having hyperemesis. My heart is broken.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 18/04/2021 11:06

It just takes time, Chunky.

You are already grieving before your termination. When it is all over you will move on.

Chunkybutfunky1 · 18/04/2021 11:08

Is it normal to grieve even before you’ve terminated? @Maggiesfarm

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 18/04/2021 11:39

I think that's normal OP. In other circumstances you would have chosen to keep it so you're grieving the child of an alternate reality.

Be kind to yourself I'd say. Not an easy decision but you've chosen what's best for your health, family and living children.

everydayiwritethebook · 18/04/2021 11:58

Please look into getting some counselling. There are counsellors who specialise in post abortion issues. I waited years before I did, and I wish I'd done it much sooner, as the grief and guilt was destroying me and my relationship. A good counsellor will help you work towards acceptance and in my case saved my sanity.

Chunkybutfunky1 · 18/04/2021 12:12

Thank you. I am on the waiting list for counselling (it’s 6-8 weeks) so I’m hoping that will help!

OP posts:
ChickaboomZoom · 18/04/2021 13:25

Gosh I do feel for you so much. It’s so hard. I’ve been on both sides. With baby #4 I pushed ahead with the pregnancy despite desperately wanting to terminate. I got early testing at 10wks to find out it was a girl, gave her a name and forced myself to bond so that I wouldn’t terminate. It was excruciating but by 16wks the hyperemesis lifted completely and obviously now I am so happy I carried on the pregnancy. By contrast, the pregnancy last November I just couldn’t do it - I didn’t WANT to do it again. I know some people wouldn’t understand but I loved the baby. I just knew that I had to put myself and my 4 existing children first. My health and mental health had suffered so badly as well and the wellbeing of my family. I grieved like crazy but I stuck to my guns. Speaking to a counsellor the day before collecting the pills really helped me feel a sense of peace and closure about it. She said she heard such passion in my voice that she could tell I was doing the right thing for the right reasons at that time. And I guess that’s all we can do. Make the decision we feel is best in our gut in that moment. It’s bloody hard and I don’t wish the emotional rollercoaster on anyone. But likewise, hyperemesis is an evil evil illness and one that can’t be understood fully until you’ve actually been through it. And I lived it 3 times and I didn’t want to again despite knowing the baby would have been loved beyond measure. That’s some hard stuff to reconcile.
Please feel free to reach out if you need any more support and definitely try counselling. I didn’t tell anyone in real life either and I went through the whole process alone and it was ok - never ideal but it was fine in the end. The nausea went almost immediately and I cried from the sheer relief. I know it sounds heartless but when I felt myself again and was on the other side I felt a new lease of life and so grateful to return to being a mum who was well and happy.

cucumberrock · 18/04/2021 13:28

How you are feeling is totally normal, because you are a normal person. It is not a nice thing to go through. You will be ok and you will get through this.

YumYumApplePie · 18/04/2021 13:30

In your situation, I'd feel the same. I only want 2. I have 2. A 3rd wouldn't ever be the plan. If I got pregnant again, I would terminate. I know it would be the right choice. But I know I would be devastated. You're allowed to feel the way you do. You're allowed to make the choice you have and still be sad about it xx

mineofuselessinformation · 18/04/2021 13:39

I felt terrible about mine, too, but was eventually able to come to peace with it, knowing that it was the right thing to do for me and my current family - that helped a lot, but took time.

ThisWitchSinks · 18/04/2021 17:39

Similar here (not hyperemesis but maternal risk). I’m 3 weeks down the line. I didn’t want to do it. But it was the best thing for me and my family. I grieve and regret it terribly. But I’m functioning and getting better over time.

My husband shut down. It’s been hard. Keep talking. Even though it’s hard. Try not to be too hurtful but don’t let him hurt you.

Why is your wait for counselling so long? I accessed through bpas and the hospital (x2. Had to travel for the termination because of the high risk 🙄😢). Do you feel up to fighting for this, because I have found it so useful. I don’t know how I’d have coped without it.

All my love. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hope it’ll be the hardest thing I ever do. But we will survive.

Hug your kids tight.

user1636853246842157 · 18/04/2021 17:45

Anticipatory grief is normal. And survivable. You will get through.

Eyevorbig0ne · 18/04/2021 17:48

I'm sorry for you.
But life would be far harder if you continued with this in your present state plus you've 2 young ones to care for.
Blokes often are at a loss in these situations. Funny how they're enthusiastic at the conception though.
Ensure good birth control or ask him to get snipped.

Mdaviesxxxxx · 04/05/2021 00:21

Please don’t be so hard on yourself I’ve just been through a similar thing, I am still heartbroken. I found out I was pregnant at 23 years old and just panicked and thought everyone would judge me and I wouldn’t be a good mum. Everybody has there own reasons. The first few weeks were really difficult, what helped me was writing a letter of how I’m feeling ( very personal and only for myself to read) I placed this in a box with all my positive tests and am keeping it safe. I know the time wasn’t right but trust me it gets easier each day. You will feel better in time and stand by your decision- you’ve had these thoughts for a reason and if your mind doesn’t feel happy at the minute or ready you are putting yourself first and doing the best thing. Sending lots of love to you your so brave xxxxx

ED81 · 09/05/2021 15:15

Hi @Chunkybutfunky1. Sorry to hear you are going through this. It really does feel shi*te. I’ve been there.

It does improve. The negative feelings you have are only temporary. They will fade over time. Take each day as it comes. Some will be good, some will be not so good but eventually you will feel like your old self again. Time (unfortunately) is the answer. I wish we had a magic wand to wave and make it better straight away.

Sending you good vibes and a comforting hug.x

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