Today I saw the baby for the first time, a healthy 7w4d heart beating little thing. What would have been my 3rd. There it was on a private scan in black and white.
We’ve chose to terminate. I’m too ill, too down, too everything to carry on with the pregnancy but im grieving before I’ve even took the pills. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this pain and grief and what’s worse is I chose to terminate.
I’m obviously writing into the universe.. nobody has to actually write back or even read this. I guess I just need somewhere to talk and vent my anger, frustration, grief, sorrow, pain. The baby is unplanned, and unlike my other two, technically unwanted. But why do I feel so awful? Like it’s died and I didn’t have a choice because I was backed into a corner of shitty events?
I was always pro choice, but in all honesty, no one ever talks about the anguish a termination brings because we’re all meant to be proud we can even get it, I’m glad I have the choice, however, utterly devastated I’m having to do what I’m doing.
My DH (the only person that knows) is shutting down, emotionless because he doesn’t know how to handle it all, so I’m basically doing it alone with 2 small children to care and there for also with having hyperemesis. My heart is broken.