What do I do?

[Chunkybutfunky1]

I have tokophobia from two bad pregnancies and labours. I’m now 7w pregnant. I’ve booked a scan for tomorrow morning to see what our situation is, a booking appointment for the afternoon (my midwife pushed for it) and I’m booked in for a termination appointment (over the phone so only to discuss options and moving forward) on Friday.

I’m all over the place. We can’t afford another baby, I only had my last a year ago, I’m scared stiff of labour and already suffering from hyperemesis (I’m on meds but still nauseous). I just can’t imagine having an abortion though, never thought I’d be in this situation and have no support around us to even discuss moving forward either way.

The baby would be loved but it will strain everything we currently have.

I feel so trapped and claustrophobic right now, right on the verge of a panic attack daily. So ill already because of the pregnancy and just don’t know what to do at all. DH thinks termination is best route.

Oh chunky how difficult for you. I’m sorry you’re in this position

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you. What do you want to do, in your heart of hearts? What would you regret more?

I agree with your husband but it is up to you, Chunkybutfunky. Why put yourself through all that again when you have two children?

Heart of hearts I don’t want the baby. As much as I’m terrified of labour I’m also terrified of having a termination because it’s the complete unknown (been told likely at home with x 2 pills). I’m genuinely devastated at being in this position. Hormones are absolutely everywhere, I’m constantly snapping at my DH. He’s wondering where this hormonal sick monster has come from I think!

People do recover from having a termination, you know, and you are still in the early stages of pregnancy.

Thank you @Maggiesfarm I do hope it’s a smooth process. I’m reading up and I think I have antenatal depression. It’s progressively getting worse as the weeks go by too and I’m so sick, it’s not fair on my family.

I completely empathise with you OP. I had hyperemesis with 3 of my 4 kids and the last time around by 9 wks I was at deaths door and suicidal. I survived and that baby is now 18 months old but when I found myself pregnant again last November I knew there was no way mentally or physically I wanted to go through that again and I terminated at 5 weeks with no regrets at all. At just 5 weeks I was already desperately ill, was still breastfeeding my toddler and could not bear to have my kids see me suffer again (they were utterly traumatised from my last pregnancy).
I had the pills at home and honestly for me the process was completely smooth with no complications. Was similar to my 5 week miscarriage which was just heavier bleeding and some cramps. Nothing like the horror stories I’d read. Perhaps I was lucky but I think many women also have a similar experience of it not being as bad as they fear. Thinking of you and wishing you luck with whatever you decide.

I just wanted to add that if taking the pills is a particular issue for you, you could request to have it done surgically. Obviously I don’t know your specific fears, but for me I have severe emetophobia so was terrified of the fact the pills could make me vomit. On that basis alone they said I could come in and have it done surgically, I was only 5 weeks.
If the surgical option is worse for you then of course that’s no use, I just wanted to mention it in case it might help, if you decided to have an abortion.

@ChickaboomZoom thank you so much, that’s brought so much comfort to me. I contacted pregnancy sickness support a few days ago and they was really helpful but ultimately I’m still very poorly despite taking meds. My poor kids and DH are going through the mill with it all too. Yes I’m also still breastfeeding and that’s taking it’s toll also.

@ChristinaYang10 no fear of pills luckily, I’m sorry you had such fear. I’m more worried about the pain of the process (termination) as my actual labours were incredibly and unbearably painful so I’m worried this will be too.

I’m just going to have to bite the bullet I guess and go through the process.

@Chunkybutfunky1

How are you doing OP? Xx

OP @Chunkybutfunky1 can I ask how you are doing? Did you go through with the termination and how are you feeling?