32 - pregnant but don't want to be pregnant right now right now

[Mufflon]

I found out I was pregnant a few days ago for the first time. It was sort of planned - had just stopped being careful and got pregnant on first attempt. Once I found out it all started to feel wrong - a Christmas baby, the possibility of having to spend time in a hospital during a covid wave (fingers crossed for no more waves), not being able to see my family (I live abroad) due to being unable to receive vaccine, feeling restricted in what I can do as lockdown eases after a long winter.
Neither me nor my OH are firmly pro or against having a baby generally... It just doesn't feel right right now but I'm still worried I'm making the wrong choice. We're possibly thinking having an abortion now and start properly trying again around August. That would help both our finances and my career too.
Anyone had an abortion as a way to delay pregnancy until a later date? How did you feel? Were you able to conceive again?

I don’t see the point in delaying for 4 months. We had a surprise pregnancy and went with it - there’s never an ‘ideal’ time to be pregnant/ have a baby.

Very tough situation. I would say this is the third thread I have seen in a couple of weeks about huge concerns about a planned baby and it not feeling right. I wonder if the feeling (and I think a large proportion of pregnant women get it) is exaggerated because of the year we have just had.

Whatever you do I just offer sympathy and understanding. It's such a huge thing to decide to bring a baby into the world and utterly terrifying.

This is a really difficult decision, and you must of course do what is right for you, but I would try to put your concerns in context too. Most of your concerns are relatively short term - for the duration of your pregnancy. And they may be overstated - if you have a relatively easy pregnancy, you can still enjoy the summer with lockdown lifting - I did lots of activities, meals out, even pub visits when pregnant and enjoyed soft drinks with friends. It is really hard to miss family, but there may be ways to see them anyway. The Christmas baby one is the only one that will stick - but even then you can do a summer celebration each year if it bothers you / them that much.

If you want a baby later this year, I would think about how much will actually be different then, what those few months will mean in the long term, and then make the decision.

@twiggytwoo defintely agree there isn't ever an ideal time. I just hadn't thought about how un-ideal December 2021 was for before I had the date in front of me (sadly - largely due to covid uncertainty). Appreciate your input - running with it is still on the table.

Personally I couldn't abort just to try again a few months later. As someone has said, there's no ideal time to have a baby.

It's your choice.

I wouldn't personally if I was planning a pregnancy soon. How do you know you'll conceive easily next time? Why put yourself through it for a few months difference? If you don't conceive by next Feb will you stop trying to avoid a Christmas baby next time?

@SummerHouse Thank you! I think you're right. So many of my concerns are related to this strange year. Had this been a couple of years those worries wouldn't even have crossed my mind and maybe that's why it was not these things I had expected to feel so strongly about.

@ToffeeAppleCaramel putting it all in to context is indeed important (but also tricky). I'm technically not worried about missing out because I'm pregnant but because I have to miss out due to being pregnant whilst unvaccinated (worried about putting myself and the baby at risk). Delaying a few months might just allow me to sort these bits out (a bit of naive positive thinking perhaps). Really appreciate your input and perspective

I'm totally pro choice, have had a termination and was booked for another one a couple of years ago but miscarried beforehand.

With that caveat - I would not terminate in your situation. You are 32 already. Nothing significant will change in the next few months.

I've had a December baby also, fwiw.

Personally I wouldn't presume that you will be able to fall pregnant as easily next time. How will you feel if it doesn't happen when you want it to?
I've had 5 miscarriages and am now in my third trimester but there have been many years of heartache to get here.

I'm definitely pro choice but I think terminating because you don't want a December baby and whilst planning to try again in 4 months is insane

You're worried about having a baby in December I have a December baby.

It's totally your choice, no one on here can make the choice for you.

You don't sound particularly keen to have children at all? When I was TTC I would have given my right arm to get pregnant.

OP you sound very anxious and worried.

I'm pro choice but I have to say having an abortion now to try again in 4 months time doesn't quite make sense. I don't think any of the reasons you give (other than December birthday) will necessarily have resolved in 4 months. We all face uncertainty but life goes on. And you were trying so something must have felt right.

What if you can't conceive again? Unlikely but it could happen. If that were the case would you still be sure it had been the right decision to terminate now?

It's panicky when you conceive, even when planned, trust your judgement that made you try in the first place.

OP no woman has to go through with a pregnancy if they don’t want to.

But the reasons you’ve given sound a bit like you’re grasping at straws as to why you shouldn’t do it. Are you just scared in general? It’s bloody scary. But a December baby is as good as a June baby as a September baby....
and covid is going away. Ok we’re still knee deep right now but by December? Different story.

I had a shock pregnancy and did consider not going ahead but he’s now a chubby toddler and couldn’t imagine life without him.

But if that’s not for you then it’s ok but having a baby is scary even if it’s planned.

I think I put too much emphasis on the December baby bit (that's one of my least important worries). Reading everyone's comments has really helped and made me think and realise that it is more about being scared of covid and everything this affects over the coming year. I might not sound excited (enough) but I'm honestly rather terrified and overwhelmed with feelings I didn't expect. I'm on a roller-coaster of emotions varying from excitedly looking up names, learning about preggo exercising etc etc to looking up abortions (which is why I posted on this thread) . Me and my OH previously decided to wait at least two weeks to allow things to sink in before we make any decision (and we are taking into account it might not happen as easily or ever again)

It sounds like you really need to decide if you want children at all, rather than if you want children right now.

There is no 'right time'.

I got pregnant right before my wedding -hen do, wedding, honeymoon, Christmas and new year - all very much not as planned due to pregnancy. We’d been ttc years though and I knew when planning the wedding it was the risk we were taking and I wouldn’t have put it on hold for anything.

Then we had the pandemic and baby was born as my area went back into local lockdown.

Having a baby in 2020 was really shit in a lot
of ways but it’s hopefully only going to be that tiny fraction of her life whereas I get to be her mum for the rest of mine.

If you’re sold on wanting a baby in the near future I honestly think having an abortion now to try again in a few months is insane.
If you’re not sure you want to have a baby at all, or you want to wait a few years then that’s different.

I’m absolutely pro choice but I really think it’s a huge thing to put yourself through and a big risk if you’re only talking a matter of months.

I do understand it’s tricky and I wish you all the best in reaching a decision. But I would say, even if you are a cautious person and have a really quiet summer to protect you and the baby - pregnancy is short, in the grand scheme of things.

(Like PPs I also have a December baby and never worried about it - we have birthday and Christmas traditions to keep them separate and special.)

Also with the Covid fears - going to appointments and things alone wasn’t brilliant no, though I think partners are allowed again now. My birth experience and time in hospital was affected by Covid in some ways but in other ways it wasn’t massively different. I don’t think the postnatal ward is heaps of fun at any time. It’s kept hugely separate to any Covid ward/ patients. My husband was allowed there pretty much all day just couldn’t stay at night which I didn’t mind too much, at least it meant there were no other husbands/ partners there either to deal with. Same for other visitors - was quite glad to forgo my in laws descending on us if it meant I didn’t have to deal with everyone else’s visitors coming in and out.

Having a new baby through lockdowns has been shit but even if we did get to that stage again you’ll have the support bubble option and there are loads of online groups and things, plus some baby groups continued to run as support groups throughout.

There's never the perfect time. These really are short term reasons all of which you can overcome.

I think that many women have a panicky "I'm not ready, I've changed my mind" moment when they find out they're pregnant. Even if it was planned and wanted. As my mil said, nature basically gives you 9 months to get your head around the idea.

I'd give yourself a bit of time for the initial panic to wear off before making a decision.

I am so much for choice and everything but honestly to terminate to try again August is really only a matter of weeks. I think try and talk to someone impartial and professional to work through this.

@Mufflon I found out that I’m pregnant on Friday. DH has a lot of family birthdays in December and it’s always been a joke that they’re really rubbish, so we “weren’t trying” this month... but it happened. Overall I’m thrilled, but I have those moments of panic, which is definitely linked to the year we’ve had, I think... of the things we should have done, or might not be able to do, or the worries about vaccines and family and keeping a winter baby safe from Covid if we’re back in lockdown.

For me, I’ve got no symptoms of being pregnant other than perhaps some extra tiredness, and so it all feels so abstract and strange. It’s been a bizarre year.

This might not help at all; but I just wanted to say that being happy but also unsure and panicky is really normal and you’re not alone.

Personally, if we didn’t continue this pregnancy, I’d want to leave it a decent amount of time before we tried again... I think a few months would feel too strange, and it’d be too prominent a decision to forget about, but that’s based on me and how I tend to think - it might not feel the same for you. Just make sure you’re not just gently pushing the nerves down the line, because you might always have them in this stage.

As I posted on one of the threads referenced upthread, I had this to varying degrees in all of my three planned, much wanted, term pregnancies (and possibly in some of the six pregnancies that ended in mc too). The issues and practicalities can feel overwhelming. I do think that part of it is the shock of having started a process that ultimately can't be controlled, and that this is what your (sorry) completely irrational idea of terminating now to 'start again' four months (!) later is about - wanting to return to something controllable, or at least that seems as if it would be. Don't discount the impact of the strange times we have been living through in all this. You recognise this already. Things have been weird at a level we have obviously become a bit inured to, but all that diffuse fear and lack of control that has built itself up has to attach itself to something.

Of course, if you don't want to be pregnant, you don't have to be. But I really, in your place, wouldn't do it fully intending to conceive again just a couple of months down the line.

I'm pro choice ordinarily but I just can't get my head around the idea of aborting a child only to try again in a couple of months.

There is a lot of uncertainty at the moment and it may not be right for you to continue with a pregnancy right now but you need to think carefully and more deeply about if having a child is firstly something you want and secondly something you want right now.

Take your time and make a rational decision.

I don't think trying to pinpoint when in a year / covid / anything else a baby arrives is healthy for anyone involved.

I had my abortion 4 weeks ago. We weren't actively trying, we were seeing what happened and it was as we discussed stopping that and using protection again (so I could work on my career, we could travel post covid), it turned out I was already pregnant.
It took me a couple of weeks to make my firm decision, the first twenty four hours I simply assumed to myself I was keeping it, it was the following day that I started realising that I didn't want this yet.
We're planning to try again in a year or so.