Miscarriage. Now pregnant again. Not ready.

[GizmoBasil]

Have NC'd.
Please, any advice anyone has would be so appreciated right now.
I had a very much wanted pregnancy which ended in December at 11 weeks in miscarriage. I was, and still am at times, absolutely devastated.
DH and I always said we would try again but at the moment I am still in counselling, on reduced hours at work, and on a high dose of anti depressants.

I took a test yesterday because I just had a feeling and it's positive. Not even late for my period yet.

My head is such a mess. Being totally honest I feel like I'm still in mourning for my first pregnancy. But then on the flip side I know I won't regret it when it's here, if I do manage to go to term this time. But then again, my head space is completely wrong.
DH is supportive of whatever i decide. He has said it does seem too soon for me. Only last week I got the materials from my lost pregnancy from pathology and we haven't buried it yet.

Please help. I'm so lost.

Oh lovely it's so hard. Very similar situation to you. I lost my baby at 17 weeks in september and was desperate to try again. I'm now 12 weeks and have an abortion booked for Tuesday but I have no idea if I can go through with it.
I had no counselling as I only had two weeks off work, which in hindsight was an unwise decision but I felt pressure as I am a teacher and it was the beginning of the school year. I am not having counselling with Marie Stopes ans they mentioned that I didnt have time to deal with the lost baby.
The thing from the counselling I am taking away now is that I should envision what life would be like with a baby and then a child. Would this be a good thing? And to know that neither choice I make comes without challenges.

Thanks so much @disconnecteddrifter

Of course you're right about envisaging a baby and then a child. Of course I know I wouldn't regret the baby itself. But I also know the pregnancy is not the one I want.
It feels like a rebound. You know when you've been with someone, imagined your life with them, and then they leave you, so you throw yourself into another relationship, thinking that's what you want and will help you move on, when actually it does the opposite and actually makes you realise you're not over them.

I just wish I could know.for certain what to do.

I know exactly. I have scoured these boards and some people have terminations for this reason and feel relieved and dome continue and regret and some continue and feel great. It's so hard isnt it?
I asked how someone puts themselves first in my counselling yesterday and he said breathe.i was massively sceptical but did it this morning for an hour just forcing my thought back to my breathing and am now starting to feel that I do want this baby.

I’m sorry for your loss.

If you want to be a parent, you should go ahead. A new pregnancy will never replace what you lost, but I’d be very careful about adding to that loss.

I say that because every pregnancy will remind you of the loss, the one now and every one in the future.

Have you told your mental health therapist about the new pregnancy yet? They can help you put things into context.

Thanks all

I've only just woken up. I thought if I slept on it I'd feel clearer but if anything I feel more confused than ever.

I just wish I had never lost my first one. Thats all there is.

@usedupusername

Thanks for your reply I do know what you mean.

It just feels very soon and I'd be staying pregnant for the wrong reasons. Obviously I wouldn't regret it when it's here. But I really am still in mourning. Work has been my lifeline and I'm on a new team which I absolutely love. To mess that up now. I don't know.

My pregnancy wasn't an easy one last time, I had hyperemesis, and had 3 hospital stays. It wasn't so bad because I knew I wanted that baby. So when I lost it it was like it was all for nothing.

I'm already having waves of nausea (at 3 weeks!) which doesn't bode well.

I guess it's weighing up the impact of all of this on my mental health. I tried to kill myself after my miscarriage. I'm genuinely worried about it.

Pregnancy after loss is really hard, two months on, two years on, you never have that naivety of not having experienced a loss.

You can get in touch with your local midwifery team and ask to be put in urgent touch with the perinatal mental health midwife - they can support you through this. It sounds like you want the baby so take it one day at a time.

I felt like this I had a miscarriage in September 2018 I was floored and so upset. I then got pregnant again in the March I think of 2019 and had my son December the 27th he nearly came on Christmas day.

I felt how you did that this isn't my baby and I actually saw a therapist halfway through which helped, even up to being induced with him I felt weird and like I'm not ready yet. Now our bond is very strong and I'm happy but that feeling didn't leave at all even seeing him on scans didn't change the feeling.
But I am so glad I had him, we've decided not to have any more children and he is a lovely baby to finish our family with.

If you felt so terrible (which of course is totally understandable) after losing your previous pregnancy I would say chances are you might feel even worse after losing this one. Your head and emotions are all over the place but it won't be like that for ever. And then you would look back and think What the hell have I done.

Don't do it. You wanted a baby, that's why you fell pregnant last time. You still want to have a baby, and this is her/him.

I wouldn’t terminate in this circumstance- this is your baby as much as the first one was your baby. I have been in this boat and did terminate, my hormones were all over the place and I wasn’t thinking straight. Initially I felt relief and tried to block it out emotionally but a few months later when I’d ‘come round’ a bit I thought what the hell have I done. That was my baby. It took a lot of counselling and tears to forgive myself and move on. Please don’t rush into anything. Nothing will replace the baby you lost, but that will always be the case. This is a new baby. Not a replacement but still yours and maybe the new focus that you need? It’s very early days, in a couple of months you may feel different

@GizmoBasil I don't know if this is helpful but I thought I'd comment because our situations are a little similar. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks in November last year. I'm now 9 weeks into a subsequent pregnancy, I had known I wanted to try again soon because I have potential fertility problems but mentally I wasn't feeling ready.

I struggled at the beginning, I think getting pregnant again brings up so much grief over the lost pregnancy. I'm feeling much more positive now. It sounds like you're still in a really tough place, try and give yourself as much grace as possible over that. It's completely reasonable to have these feelings. If I were you I would speak to your GP as soon as possible about how you're feeling and about the need to continue your medication, and getting on anti-nausea medication immediately (it's apparently more effective the sooner you start). And at your next counselling session I'd talk about your feelings there. You have plenty of time to decide what you want to do so don't feel rushed.

Also in case it's helpful there's a really lovely group (which I'm part of) in the birth club forum called "pregnancy after loss - autumn babies - thread 3" it's really supportive and a good place to talk about the anxieties and feelings that come up in this situation, if you felt ready you'd be very welcome there

Also (sorry for all the comments) but just to emphasise that I do believe it's possible a termination would be a good idea in this situation, pregnancy can be really hard on your mental health (especially with hypermesis) and you're absolutely right to take the impact of this pregnancy seriously.

It's obviously impossible for me to say, but my instinct is to say don't do it. You will absolutely grieve this baby, you might not think that way now, because you're already grieving, but I'd be very hesitant to add more onto your plate whilst you're still grieving your first baby.

No your current pregnancy isn't your first baby, but they're siblings. They're part of each other and they're part of you.

Is there a chance that you are on some level, scared to get attached incase of another loss? Maybe you not getting attached and causing the loss yourself, as it were, would prevent you having to hurt like you did before?

I might be way off the mark. But to me it seems like there's probably so much more to unpack here than it simply feeling like a replacement. Obviously further made complicated by hormones and your grief which is still very painful for you. Do feel free to DM me if you would like a chat. My heart goes out to you xxx