Medical Abortion at home. Starting tomorrow.

[ExquisitePotatoes]

Hey,

I've read a lot of these threads over the last few weeks and I've found a lot of comfort in reading people's positive abortion experiences. This has been the most agonising decision I've ever had to make, but I'm set on taking the first pill tomorrow evening (I'll be 7+2) and the next lot on Friday AM when my partner is off work and my other 3 children are with their father. They will be gone from Friday AM to Saturday PM so I'm hoping to be through the worst of it by then.

I was wondering if there are any other ladies going through the same? Or if anyone will be around for a virtual hand hold through the next few days.

I know I shouldn't and don't need to, but I guess to appease my own guilt I want to write down my reasons for termination. I've only been with my partner since Nov and we've had a rocky start really. As mentioned above I have 3 children, they are 11, 7 and 5 and are the lights of my life. My partner has 2 children aged 5 and 2.. so we gave 5 between us already. I work part time and study full time, I'm in my second year of university. I'm also responsible for my brother, who is 29 in a few days and has complex health needs and learning difficulties (he lives independently round the corner). I'm only 30 myself and we have no family support, we had a traumatic upbringing. I have anxiety and depression and PTSD as a result of a violent sexual crime.. Well a series or period of abuse. Historical abuse. As such I'm part of a police investigation and won't appear in court until August, when I'd be what, 7 months pregnant?

I had pre-natal depression with all 3 of my children and severe post-natal depression with my last daughter, 5 years ago. I was hallucinating and needed support from a mental health midwife and was watched for postpartum psychosis.

I love this little bean, I really do. I have a scan picture and have kept my pregnancy tests. But it wouldn't be fair to myself, the baby, my children, my partner or my brother to continue. I know that I wouldn't stay mentally well and it would be such a struggle.

I have gone from being 24 with 0 qualifications and never having worked to having NVQ 3 and 5, my management diploma. I started in care and worked my way to senior, to deputy manager, and now I'm finally in university. I had to sit my GCSEs as an adult as I left school age 13. I've worked my ass off to get to where I am, I'm only just learning how to heal from my traumas and have some life for myself.

Yet I'm still so sad about my decision and know I'll grieve this little dot. I almost feel it's hypocritical to grieve with it being my decision. I'm scared of the process, of seeing it (although I know I'll be looking for it). I've been trying to pretend I'm not pregnant but I'm so sick and tired and emotional now there's no escaping it.

Idk what I'm looking for here. But even if I get no replies, I guess I'll update through my journey incase it can help other women through theirs.

X

@ExquisitePotatoes

I didn’t want to read and run but I wanted to give you a massive virtual hug. You’ve been through a lot and overcome so much and achieved so much. You are brave and strong and have every right to grieve.
My partner and I have 6 kids between us and last November I terminated at 5 weeks for my mental health as well as medical ( I had severe Hyperemesis last pregnancy). Some people might not understand it but I loved that baby. I just knew I could not continue with the pregnancy. I grieved but I absolutely stand by my choice and I am so glad to have even had a choice.
No one ever ever wants to be in a position where they have to make this decision and I really empathise. Hope all goes smoothly for you. Mine was textbook, very little pain if any, and was all done in less than 4hrs. I’ll be around for handholds xx

Thank you for your kind reply. Of course you loved that baby, I guess until I was in this situation I didn't understand how somebody could love it but still know they couldn't keep it. I'd have liked to have thought I'd had done anything to make it work.

Was yours done in less than 4 hours since the second tablets? How did you cope emotionally through it? I spoke to my GP yesterday and she said I've to expect to be up and down as the hormones fluctuate etc. I'm taking it this evening but I'm just trying not to think about it. xx

Hiya, yes it was fairly quick after I took the last set of pills (inserted because it causes less side effects). My partner took all the kids out for the evening and I took a hot shower, had some soup and took a combo of paracetamol and ibuprofen (couldn’t have codeine because breastfeeding) and then inserted the pills. I lay down for about an hour after to let everything absorb. Then I just put on some music and danced and swayed and cried. I went to the loo and there was bleeding. I just sat on the toilet and let things happen. I could feel clots but I didn’t look, just flushed. I’d previously had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and this was the same. I had no real pain and kept topped up with meds. After about 4 hours I felt a bit of light cramping and pressure. A few more clots and that was it. I kept waiting for the excruciating pain that everyone kept mentioning in forums but it never came. I didn’t vomit or have shivers or anything. Just bled and that was it.
Emotionally I think I dealt with it the best way I knew how. Lots of crying during the process. I had a doula (she offered her support for free) that I messaged throughout for reassurance. I told the baby I loved it but that I had to let it go. It was heartbreaking but oddly spiritual. It’s so hard to explain without it sounding hypocritical like how can you love something but not bring it into the world? But I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had made the right choice. I’ve had a lot to distract me since then - I have 4 children including teens and a toddler. We’ve just had a big house move. My partner started a new job. I can’t say that it won’t upset me further down the line but so far I think that because I was very certain of my choice it really hasn’t had a negative emotional toll on me at all. And I know about abortion regret because I had one when I was 21 that I bitterly regretted but this time was nothing like that.
Sorry I’ve rambled on! Hope you are ok x

I'm so glad you had a pretty straight forward experience. It sounds like you dealt really well with your emotions. I have taken the first tablet 2 hours ago now, I had a cry with my OH and we spoke again about the reasons and he was double checking with me that I felt like it was MY decision (because he didn't want to keep it either but would have supported me). I've a bit of a headache and have started with cramps already (?) I wasn't expecting that really with this tablet for some reason. Theyre only a 3/10 for pain. No bleeding or anything and I feel otherwise fine, emotionally I'm okay.

I'm nervous about passing the actual pregnancy, I know I'm going to look. But I know I want to. I'm really sorry about your miscarriage, I'm fortunate enough to have never experienced that.

I love that so much - "I love you, but I have to let you go". That just sums it up, doesn't it? I've done a lot of reading about development etc, there won't even be the simplest of brain activity etc there yet, so my little dot will never know how much I love it, but likewise it won't know anything at all.

At first I was worried I'd feel regret, like you mentioned. I'm sorry you felt that too. How did you move past that? I think that sometimes I'll be sad, but I know that this is the right decision for my babies and for myself. So the process has started now. I guess I'll see what the next few days bring.

I don't like the thought of not knowing whats going on inside me right now. Has its heartbeat stopped already? Like I don't know. One day at a time. I'm hoping tomorrow is uneventful before the second meds Friday AM. X

I woke up to a white feather on the bottom of my bed this morning :)

The first tablet was fine for me. I had some cramps but they soon died off. No other side effects at all. I'm taking the second lot of pills soon. I'm quite scared and very emotional today :(

How are you, OP?

FWIW from my (multiple) experience of miscarriage at similar or slightly later stages than you, the 'passing of the pregnancy' isn't as awful as it might sound beforehand - there won't necessarily be a recognisable moment where 'it' has gone. I've had medical management of an incomplete mc and the panful bit was reasonably time-limited and not too terrible.

As far as regret goes, it's possible to regret any road not travelled, but it does sound as if you have an enormous amount on your plate and I too would be wary of upsetting a hard-won and potentially quite fragile balance in order to meet the narrative of 'making it work somehow' which you see quite a lot in response to unplanned pregnancies (incl on here) and which it's very easy for those who aren't going to have to 'make it work' to come out with.

FWIW (again), I'm a good decade older than you, with three children, married 20y, comfortably off and without the family and MH pressures you have, and if I were to get pregnant now I would almost certainly terminate. It's OK for it not to be right for us.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate that you've taken the time to type to me when I'm going through something like this.

Thanks for sharing your experience and I'm sorry that you went through that. I think the nurse warned me of what I might see as a worst case scenario, I guess I would be horrified if I had no idea and then saw something. But I know that's not always the case. I'm just hoping it all goes as smoothly as possible.

You said exactly what I needed to hear re: regret and my situation, thank you. Right now I don't feel regret for the termination, but for the situation in general. But I think I'll come through it okay.

I've started cramping a bit, I'm an hour post pessaries. My guy and I are hunkered down in bed today watching documentaries, so far its okay.

Please if anyone has been through this and is around please reply. Not tryna worry anyone but I'm struggling a bit now physically

Pains built and I passed the pregnancy sac. They eased and built again and I passed a big thing, like two 50p's together side by side kinda size.

Now the pain has built again and is coming every few mins but is worse than before and nothing else is coming out

Hang in there. It may still cramp, that's the effect of the medication more than anything else. Have you got painkillers?

It will be over soon.

I'm on codeine and paras. I spoke to the nurse who said it sounds like something isn't getting past my cervix, but I've just taken another lot of paras so gonna see if that helps. She said to go to hospital but I'm just gonna try this first x

An update: I spoke to the nurse on the phone twice and she told me to go to the hospital. However I stayed at home and managed to pass it by myself. This was the pregnancy, Lord knows what the first thing was. I feel so much better.

I hope that I've not scared anyone with my experience. I had a rough few hours with it being stuck but thank goodness it came away without intervention. The pain has subsided massively now and bleeding has ramped up, but not too much. I'm through the worst I'm sure. I feel so relieved. X

I'm glad to hear you're through the worst. The bleeding shouldn't be too bad (which is to say, if you find you're soaking through towels in a short time etc, get medical attention). Take care of yourself.

Thought I'd update.

I had to go to hospital and have what was stuck removed, the doctor has sent what he removed off for testing to see why it went wrong and he mentioned a partial molar pregnancy which is maybe why my experience wasn't as straight forwards as others. I'm home now with just moderate bleeding and period cramps, I feel fine now that its all done.