Not for everyone - post abortion.

[ED81]

I realise this is very sensitive and it’s not everyone will wish to read. No offence is meant at all to anyone.
I had a medical termination 2 weeks ago. I was having a planned pregnancy but it felt so wrong. I had counselling and made the choice to terminate. I don’t agree with what I did but it was the right choice and I now feel lighter and brighter again.
However, I’m not sure what is best to do moving forward. I never thought it a million years I’d not have children and now it seems this will be the case.
I had planned the pregnancy and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was sick to my stomach about it and didn’t want to continue with the pregnancy. Has this occurred with anyone else?!

Being a woman is so very difficult sometimes.

Take every day as it comes. You'll move forward naturally but try and not dwell on what's psst. Guilt is natural but unhealthy to continue to feel it. I wish you all the best moving forward, you made a difficult decision.

@Ludo19. Thank you for your kind words.

Hey,

What do you mean, that you're not sure what to do going forwards? Do you mean regarding having children?

This hasn't happened to me but happy to sound things out with you if you'd like xx

Hi @ExquisitePotatoes. Thank you!
Yes, I think that’s what I mean at least. The fact that I had a termination would indicate that I don’t.
I want to want children. I never thought it a million years I’d be in this position. I’m so very torn. It makes me sad.

It sounds awfully hard for you :( Can I ask what it was that made you want children, and also what made you want to terminate? X

This was a planned pregnancy. I’ve been ambivalent about children for a long time. My husband has never had the desire to be a father but was happy to go with what I wished. I’m very lucky.

I turned 39 last year so suppose my hand was forced really due to my age and felt like it was now or never so we decided to try. And were successful. From the moment I’ had the positive result I was sick to my stomach. I was so fearful about everything changing and it being bloody hard work which I didn’t want. My life is quiet where I can do what a I want, when I want with a good disposable income. Maybe the idea of pregnancy was nicer than the reality.

I had counselling and spoke about my lack of desire for a baby and that doing it incase I regret not doing it isn’t a reason to progress. Along with thinking I should do it so we aren’t alone in old age. Both not reasons to bring a baby into this crazy world.

There obviously is a social expectation. And friends who say I’d be great! But how do they know? I worry about chromosomal issues being older and a child developing autism or adhd. I’m not equipped for that. Also the teenage years fill me with dread.......

BUT what if it is great......is the risk worth it?

Thanks for listening @ExquisitePotatoes

I'm right there with you. We had a planned pregnancy. We have 2 kids already. We were happy but so scared how to make it work. All of the fears got us, and we let the stats and normalization of abortion make us think it was the right choice for us and our family. But as soon as it was done, even during the procedure, I was losing it and crying. Worst decision of my life. Kids are hard, but bring so much to your life. And the hugs and snuggles are so worth it. I am so heartbroken over it. There's a point where the "ball of cells" is no longer a ball, ours had arms and legs and a defined head. I can't justify it, and it's not right. I respect everyone's choices rights, but there's got to be more to it. All of our fears and considerations no longer mean as much to us, and we are desperate to get to a point where we do have our third baby. But that seems so wrong now. I hope you find comfort in what life brings you next.

@ED81 I think what you went through is more common than you think, I hope you are feeling better now.

I have felt exactly the same in each of my pregnancies and did terminate one of the pregnancies. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where there's no right answer, it is like taking a big leap into the unknown having a child as you don't know how you will feel until they are here.

In your situation I wouldn't be getting pregnant again any time soon just incase you go through the same thing again. You may never really know how you feel about things I guess until age or circumstances decides it for you.

Honestly, I think your reasons for not having children are completely logical and reasonable.

I dont think it sounds like you do want them and thats completely normal and fine.

It's natural to wonder about the path not taken, but in a few years this part of your life will be over in any case. Enjoy your child free life.

Thanks @sleepyhead and @Nowifi.

No major decisions for now. But yes I am worried about what would happen if I did get pregnant again and felt the same! Is the risk worth it? Perhaps not. I might just have to except that being a parent just isn’t for me. Like I say, I don’t have that desire.

Sounds like you don’t want to be a parent, nothing wrong with that! If that was your reaction then you probably have your answer. You don’t need a child to have a fulfilling life. I’d say make sure you have reliable contraception to not find yourself in that situation again, it’s always your choice to terminate but not a nice thing to do... imo.

Thanks @laura212.

The whole experience has been so very overwhelming. I’ve hated every minute of it.

Maybe being a full time parent isn't for you. But possibly the experience was needed to show you you want some sort of "parent" /guidance role in your life? Maybe a mentor for kids? Or adoption? Big sister program? Just some thoughts if you're still having that urge to find meaning for the next generation.

I have seen women in similar situations posting this on MN before. It must be a very confusing time.I think the best way forward Is to have counselling to talk about your feelings and how you want your future to be.

@Viviennemary. That’s what I’m currently doing. Hopefully it will be helpful. I feel very stuck at the moment. I wish I could find those people in a similar position. I feel quite alone.

@MrsOV. That’s it. I don’t want tot be a full time parent. Isn’t that awful.

@ED81 , no. It's not awful that you don't want to be a full time parent. There's nothing wrong with that. You may be associating the abortion feelings with those feelings. For instance, maybe you're feeling the guilt of having the abortion to make you realize this. Those are two separate things. You can be sad and feel bad about having the abortion, and that that was needed (in a sense) to make you realize you don't want to be a full time parent. As in "why couldn't you know this without the abortion? ". But you'll never know if you would have had this same realization without it. And how awful would that have been if you did have the child, and end up not wanting to be in that situation, resenting it, not bonding, and possibly being a neglectful parent? Good luck through this. It's not easy. I'm trying to cope with the other side, so I understand the confusion and all the emotions and thoughts fighting each other.

@MrsOV. It truly is so difficult. I can’t see the way out of this at the moment. My feelings are so contradicted. I’ve had an abortion but yet wondering if I should have a child. How mad does that sound.....

How are you? Are you feeling any lighter about your situation?

@ED81, I am also constantly contradicted. I can see some positives of my situation. I have so much more patience for my two kids, and am able to respond to stress so much better. I am a much better parent to them now than I had been at any time previously. But it weighs on me so much everyday that this happened for me to get here. I'm constantly wondering why I couldn't feel this way before getting pregnant, and especially before the abortion. Things point to the abortion being the catalyst for things to line up better, which I totally don't agree with! Why did that awful thing have to happen for me to be better? It doesn't make sense. Also, for us, it has solidified that we can handle 3 kids, and are meant to have another one, which brings its own feelings of why? Why not that baby? Were they not good enough? It's a struggle. We are going to try again, and it makes us feel that sense of joy we felt when trying for #1, as opposed to that feeling of "well now's a good time, maybe, so we should see what happens " . It's totally different now, but I don't agree how we got here.

@MrsOV. I suppose you made the decision and it was valid at that time.
The counsellor I spoke to said to me “ you don’t always have to agree with termination but at that moment it wasn’t the right time to continue”.

You’ve reflected and now moving together as a family.
It’s sounds really tough for you though. There will be many questions and not all you can answer. I hope you continue to heal & things get better.

@ED81 I really hate that phrase "best thing for you at that time" . I don't know why, and everyone says it. How is a baby and their snuggles and the love not the best decision always? I struggle with that. There are some things I've come to realize, a big one being that I'll never be ok with what happened to our baby, and that it's not right to have had happened. Everything else you've said though, is how it's going. Good moments and rough moments. My therapist recently discussed with me the differences in agree vs accept. And how they can be different about the same thing, and bring different emotions. I can accept we're at a better place now than before, but I can't agree with how we got here. And it's that agreement part that brings me the regret and grief and sadness and anger, etc. But yep, working through it together. I am so lucky to have my husband who's been right there with the same emotions and thoughts before and after. So that is definitely helping. Hopefully you have some personal support too. I hope you have some clarity soon on what your current emotions and thoughts are bringing for you. Sending you good vibes.

We all have phrases we don’t like - I will be mindful of that in the future.
Glad you have your husband for support. It’s so important.

My husband is so wonderful too. I’m very fortunate in that sense. I’ve probably haven’t been easy to live with and I hate that for him. Everything is still quite new so will just have to take each day as it comes. I’ve cried my eyes out this morning but hopefully I’ll be fine tomorrow.

Sending you good vibes aswell.x

No problem, you can't know what is going on in someone else's head. I don't take it personally when someone says it. I'm sure there are some for you too. Last week was really rough for me, crying every night, and staying up late thinking and visualizing things. You never know when something will get you. One day at a time, and sometimes hour by hour. With my husband, what helped us get through a rough few days was me telling him I felt alone. Everyone told him to be there for me, that he wasn't sharing his thoughts and feelings so as to try and protect me and stay strong. But he needed me too. It was a really tough hour of talking and crying, but then it really opened us up to each other's pain, and the support we have for each other. It may be something that you're needing if you haven't done that yet. It hurts like hell, but it was really good for us. Feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to chat further too. The rough times suck. I have no reassuring words I can share, because when I'm in them, nothing helps me get out of it, so I wouldn't even know what to say.