10 wks, still numb/in shock and conflicted

[SwimmingInToys]

I'm 10wks pregnant today with a 3rd child and I feel like I'm really running out of time to work out what to do.

DH and I have suffered from infertility and both my previous DC were IVF. After 10 years of unprotected sex (having been told we'd never conceive naturally) in February I found myself pregnant.

Whilst this miracle conception should be a cause for celebrating, I've surprised myself by going between feeling numb/shocked and utter despair.

My DC are 5 and 3, we are financially comfortable, happily married, nice house, supportive family etc. There's no 'big' reason not to have another one. I just can't get my head around it.

I spent the first few weeks hoping I would have a miscarriage (I'm so sorry to anyone who is upset by that - I can't believe I'm writing it). I am now getting to 10 weeks and have to either decide to positively accept this is happening, or try to arrange a termination.

I've had a lot of emotional breakdowns about it, discussed it at length with DH, discussed having s termination. He is an absolute diamond and very, very supportive but ultimately he is delighted about the pregnancy and would be incredibly sad about a termination.

I can't even describe what it is about the pregnancy I'm unhappy about. Everything and nothing in particular? The effect on me, on my kids, on my marriage. I don't know. I feel overwhelmed by the thought of it. I also feel physically awful with nausea and tiredness, insomnia etc 24/7.

I've been referred to the mental health midwife but that was weeks ago and I've not heard anything.

Sorry, I don't know what I'm asking, just need to write it down. Has anyone been through similar? Or have any insight?

OP, I couldn't read this and not respond. I would call an abortion service provider like Marie Stopes, NUPAS or BPAS and ask for a counselling session. They would offer you one if you called up to arrange a termination anyway, but you can call and tell them and tell them you're unsure and would like to discuss it with someone. Alternatively, if calling one of those providers feels too much, get a private counselling appointment ASAP with someone who specialises in pregnancy choices/termination. Harleytherapy.com is an easy way to book a session. You really ought to have heard from the mental health midwife too by now (they're usually quite quick - I had a lot of experience with them as I had antenatal depression). You may well be in total shock as you never expected this to happen, and you just need to verbalise absolute everything to a stranger to understand your feelings. I hope you figure things out quickly and are at peace with whatever decision you make.

Thank you. I am definitely in shock and struggling to process things. My response so far has been to keep my head in the sand and stay numb. Unfortunately that means every so often it all bubbles up out of control and I have a bit of a breakdown and decide I don't want to go on any longer. Then I talk it through with DH and things seem slightly better.

I will see if I can find a number to speak to the mental health nurse and if not I'll try to arrange some counselling.

I never in a million years thought I'd be in the situation, unexpectedly pregnant and not really wanting to go ahead, without a really good reason. I feel very detached and like it's happening to someone else, other than the fact I'm like a nauseated zombie 24/7.

Thanks for the reply.

Hi princessonabudget

Thanks for the message. I'm feeling ok. Haven't spoken to the MH nurse, she's gone AWOL and I've no idea what's happening, couldn't get any info from my maternity unit. Not ideal. Thankfully I'm feeling less desperate and awful.

I'm 11+2 now and have my dating scan next week. I'm not happy but I'm moving to a place of acceptance. I don't feel utter, overwhelming despair all the time now. I still worry about what's ahead and how I'll cope but I'm now thinking about ways I might cope, rather than just thinking that I can't cope.

I still think if I'd had an early termination or loss I'd be happier with where I am and more positive about the future, but that isn't what's happened, so I'm dealing with the new future.

It's so hard to know what to do. I would never in a million years have pictured myself in this situation or feeling this way. You're not cold to consider a termination in the best interests of your family and yourself. We are lucky we have choices available to us, albeit difficult ones. You have to make the best choice out of two bad options.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Also - named changed!

@princessonabudget we've recently terminated, thinking we couldn't do it and having emotional breakdowns. we have 2 already. i was 11w4d. i cried at the consult, i cried during, and i have been a mess after. if there is any sliver in you that would keep the baby, then think about it longer. once it's done it's done. no one knows your situation though, and everyone is different. just sharing my experience. if you get there, and you're not sure, then don't do it. definitely talk to a counselor from a clinic who specializes in this. not just the dr at whatever appt you have for the termination. best of luck.

MrsOV hoping in time it becomes easier for you to bear the decision. It will have been the right thing in the long run even if it's painful just now.