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Pregnancy choices

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Choosing between abortion or divorce

9 replies

Lisaann83 · 25/02/2021 13:17

This is a bizarre story but I want to include the lead up so it makes more sense. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and we have two children, one a toddler and the other just turning 7. We’d talked about having a third before I gave birth to the second but my husband was not happy with the idea while I was more open. One night while my youngest was still small my husband said ‘what do you want me to do’ when it came to the question of putting the condom on. I repeatedly told him to put it on because we can’t make a choice like that in the middle of sex. Eventually he put one on. Fast forward months later and we ended up having sex without a condom. That was the first time ever we’d not used contraception except for previous attempts TTC. The next day he said ‘you’re not on the pill are you because I came inside you last night’ it was a weird convo (staying the obvious!) but we talked about me not being on the pill and I was waiting for my youngest to give up breastfeeding so he’d have to use a condom. He said he raised it more to flag it to me when I asked if the night before had concerned him. Fast forward again to a couple of months later and he asked if he should get protection, I said it’s was risky if he didn’t but he grinned and said ‘risky huh’ and carried on. From that point we didn’t use contraception again. Several months later and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. When I told him he took me upstairs and we slept together. I’d assumed that was a positive reaction?! I had to head off out afterwards but by the time I came back he said he couldn’t cope with another baby and we needed to decide what to do. A week later he had nearly a full on panic attack when I said I didn’t know what to do and he said I’ll ruin his life if he doesn’t get a choice and I don’t abort. he has moved into the spare room and told me he’ll divorce me if I don’t abort. I’m devastated and completely at a loss. I realise we didn’t have the ‘shall we try for a baby convo’ but surely it’s obvious what might happen, he’s experienced in becoming a dad! I’m so perplexed. He seems very serious about leaving. I really don’t feel comfortable aborting and especially when his decision doesn’t seem to be well thought out or stable. Normally he’s far from stupid or reckless in what he does. He says he’s too old (40) and doesn’t want another child even though money wouldn’t be a worry. Anyone had similar? Or any advice at all?

OP posts:
Bubbles1st · 25/02/2021 13:31

You do what you want regardless of threat because if you do abort the resentment may well have the same outcome.

What an unreasonable and unacceptable chap he is.

ChickaboomZoom · 25/02/2021 13:33

Gosh I’m sorry. Me personally, I’d go for divorce. He happily had unprotected sex with you while knowing he didn’t want another baby but now is bullying you into an abortion? And he thinks your marriage could survive if he pushed you into making such a choice? No way, he needs a slapping (sorry I get so upset about these stories where the men act like it doesn’t take TWO people to tango, yet want to blame and pressure the woman!)

I had a termination back in November at 5 weeks for various reasons including medical and the fact that I have 4 kids already. My partner was very supportive and we both knew it was the right decision. But had I wanted to keep the baby and he was pressuring or bullying me I would have had to walk away from the relationship because the resentment would have been huge. Since the termination he’s been super touchy feely with me but reluctant to book an appointment for the snip. I’ve told him he can forget about sex until he sorts that out - don’t come near me.

Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in?

Diddledumpling22 · 25/02/2021 13:34

Awful behaviour by him. Completely irresponsible. If he was so against having another baby that he would end his marriage over it then surely he should have taken more care. Have you actually said that to him?

No woman should be forced or in this case blackmailed into an abortion they don't want to have.

InkieNecro · 25/02/2021 13:36

I had a similar dilemma. My outcomes were either keep baby and divorce, abort baby and divorce or keep baby and it works out. I'm pro choice, but I knew I would regret aborting.

I am now in the process of getting divorced, but I am so happy I didn't give in to his pressure. My youngest is an adorable monster and I would always choose him over a marriage.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 25/02/2021 13:36

I’d never ever have an abortion I didn’t want. That would be the end of a marriage for me, if he tried to dictate what I did with my body.

If he didn’t want kids at 40 and over he should have had a vasectomy shouldn’t he? He’s taken no responsibility for contraception. Surely he’d know that could result in pregnancy.

BumBurnerBum · 25/02/2021 13:37

He is dreadful. Do only what you want. Regardless of your decision I would be seriously considering divorce based on his behaviour.

seensome · 25/02/2021 13:41

If it was me then both I would have an abortion and divorce him

BrilliantBetty · 25/02/2021 13:48

Given he doesn't care about your opinion at all, despite it being your body that's affected either way, and is happy to blackmail you. The only thing i'd be sure of is that it's the end of the marriage and I would want him out the house today! And for good.

Then you can think on being a single parent to three, including baby.

sisteroutlaw · 25/02/2021 20:00

Oh @Lisaann83 what an unfair position to put you in. You're probably feeling quite betrayed.

Can you get some emergency couple's counselling? I know you have to do what's right for your existing family so no judgement whatever path you choose. Is he a good dad and partner otherwise? Have you considered going alone before? You suggest this irrationality is out of character. Counselling now! I totally understand how it would seem terrifying to be pg and left to deal with it existing kids. What an odd unsupportive stance for him to take. Hugs x

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