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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

44 just got agency back in life now pg with 3rd

22 replies

sisteroutlaw · 16/02/2021 09:28

Hi all. Am facing another lockdown if I go ahead with the pregnancy. That's how I expressed it to my husband last night. Just when I expect everyone will return to the new new normal of mixed office/home working, I'll be going on mat leave.

I triumphed last summer - applied and got a job that I really wanted! Having worked part time for 10 years it feels so good to be using all my skills and be really valued again in the workplace. What will it do to my new career? It feels like I'd be throwing it away. Now that my boys are 11 and 8 it's fine to be full time again. A baby would screw it all up.

I'm worried about what it will do to my body. Christmas was a rich food and booze frenzy with no exercise so I don't feel in tip top shape. I realised I was pg when I did my back in lifting the coffee table! At 44 ailments are thing now.

And then there's my undercarriage! I had just seen a consultant to get it sorted. Two big babies and poor stitch ups. Nuff said. I was going to get my snap back and not fanny fart in yoga.

But if I terminate will it marr the relationship with my husband? He's supportive of the decision I make. He's a sunny soul so only remembers the good bits not the interminable drudge of early parenthood. When I see our boys I marvel at what another could be like and maybe this would be a girl? But I'm not sure it's enough. Am seeking your counsel please x

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Frenchdressing · 16/02/2021 09:32

Can’t advise you on such a big decision but I had my kids at 43 and 46. Was all fine and still is.

I took mat leave then returned to my career and it didn’t hold me back.

Good luck with what you decide.

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NellNorth · 16/02/2021 09:36

How far along are you? Nature may make the choice for you. I thought I was a pregnant when I was about 43, and no way was I willing to going back to that- luckily, it turned out to be a bug!

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Cauterize · 16/02/2021 09:37

Have you actually talked to your husband about the possibility of termination?

I definitely wouldn't have the baby in your position. If you want to progress with your career then you can probably kiss goodbye to that for a long while! You will likely be the one who has to make the sacrifices whilst your husband just continues on unaffected....

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sisteroutlaw · 16/02/2021 09:44

Thanks for your responses all. Yes I keep thinking it might not stick @NellNorth and that's sort of held me in hoping the decision would be taken out of my hands. It's a doozy of a decision to make oneself. I had a termination in my 20s and was the right thing then but it did mess with my mind. I'm not such a high earner that I can afford nor want ft childcare for a baby and be able to return to my career. I think I'll call the GP this pm and start the process. Am 7wks.

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NothingIsGoing2GetBetterItsNot · 16/02/2021 09:45

I couldn't.

45, 2 kids, 6 and 8, all nicely in the swing of things (lockdown aside), had a Pg scare over Christmas and honestly driving to buy tests was absolutely shitting myself at going through it all again! Also had issues with mechanism in 2nd Pg that would mean another baby would be quite risky, for especially in mid 40s... as you say the body is harder hit at our age, just turning round suddenly can cause injury for me! 😂

You've obviously got to do what feels right but I honestly feel it's a game changer, and not in a good way... Good luck with your decision. 💐

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murbblurb · 16/02/2021 09:49

If a miscarriage would be a relief, there is your answer. Every child a wanted child , although never an easy decision despite what many evil people think. I wish you the best.

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Muskox · 16/02/2021 09:51

This is such a difficult choice OP. Personally in your circumstances I would terminate. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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RagzReturnsRebooted · 16/02/2021 09:58

Hi OP, I had a 5th pregnancy (4th was late miscarriage/stillbirth) 5 years ago, 6 months before I was due to go to uni having had my DCs and planned myself a career. I was devastated by the idea of not only having another child but also going through pregnancy after the loss of the previous one, plus financial considerations. I had a termination, ended up having a lovely chat with another mother in the waiting room while we were there, who was doing it for similar reasons. In your situation I wouldn't keep the pregnancy, but obviously that's me and others definitely would...

You don't need a GP referral if you're in England, you can self refer to BPAS and they are brilliant, will counsel you by phone first.

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RagzReturnsRebooted · 16/02/2021 10:01

Info here and they may allow you to do it all from home if you're 7 weeks. You don't have to though, but it's an option.
www.bpas.org/contact-us/covid-19

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sisteroutlaw · 16/02/2021 10:14

Thank you for all taking the time to respond. And @RagzReturnsRebooted good call on BPAS bypass. Big deep breath.

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morninglive · 16/02/2021 10:33

I would be horrified at the thought of a baby at 44. My life, my body, my career would be totally taken out of my control. Yes I'd love the baby but at 30 I was done with it all.

I can travel, work, enjoy my family and my freedom. An early termination would unfortunately be the right thing for me. I was born when my mother was 40 and my sister when she was 45. I'll always remember the embarrassment of having such an old (but lovely) mum.

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sisteroutlaw · 16/02/2021 11:50

Horrified @morninglive! Grin It just seems irresponsible to proceed. So I'm peri-menopausal (this is how I missed I was pg initially as been skipping every third period for a few yrs - my mum went through it early). I've been feeling a little frumpy with that anyway (in dreary lockdown attire) and not sure I can brave a pg out and then do a year of bf to be a super-desiccated husk still going through the menopause with a baby.

OK. I am very lucky. It is liberating to have the choice.

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morninglive · 16/02/2021 12:49

It is indeed. It's always sad (I had a termination at 21) but I don't regret it and absolutely no mental trauma! If I hadn't done it I would have lost the opportunity to train for my career, I would have struggled with jobs, childcare, marriage and probably never been able to own my home because of poor job opportunities. i would have loved the baby of course, but I went on to have 2 lovely DCs I could give more time and opportunities to because of my career choice, which I would have lost or been so much harder to achieve.

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Lumene · 16/02/2021 12:57

I'll always remember the embarrassment of having such an old (but lovely) mum.

In that generation giving birth at 30 was seen as ‘geriatric’. Now 30 is mid range and 40+ plenty common enough, certainly in London anyway.

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Frenchdressing · 16/02/2021 13:27

@Lumene

I'll always remember the embarrassment of having such an old (but lovely) mum.

In that generation giving birth at 30 was seen as ‘geriatric’. Now 30 is mid range and 40+ plenty common enough, certainly in London anyway.

Yep didn’t take long for the negative comments against older mums to show. I get that it is some people’s lived experience but MN is full of ageist bullshit about older mothers.

I am an older mother, it’s fine. That’s my lived experience. Think about what you post!
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Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 16/02/2021 13:30

I couldn’t have a termination for those reasons myself. I think it would mess me up too much.

But you have to do what works for you and yo ur family

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AIMD · 16/02/2021 13:34

It’s sounds like you have made a decision and based on your circumstances and feelings it seems to be the right decision for you.

I’m 36 with a 4 and 6 year old, I wouldn’t want a third child either. The first few years of a child’s life is so intense and draining and I would in no way want to return to that.

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sisteroutlaw · 16/02/2021 14:05

I'm sorry to offend anyone who's been blessed with kids in their 40s.

Now if I didn't already have two kids I'd be leaping for joy! But I do, and they need me. There's DS1 approaching teens with mild learning difficulties and a second who already feels like he gets less of me for the extra support we give his elder sibling.

A baby is a beautiful joyous creature and I would love to see it pan out with everything rosy and perfect and a magically larger house with ample storage and wonderful flow! And for work to not forget me when they giddily get to know each other in person after we all started remotely! I'd feel like I was letting the team down, myself included.

FYI early pregnancy sucks. Headache and a gippy tummy. It's like a two day hangover.

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Frenchdressing · 16/02/2021 15:01

@sisteroutlaw you didn’t offend me at all.

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FourTeaFallOut · 16/02/2021 15:10

I'm 42 and there isn't an amount you could pay me to do it all again at this point. I'd be on the phone to Marie Stopes before the pregnancy stick dried.

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Runnerduck34 · 16/02/2021 15:11

Its such a personal decision, obviously you need to talk it through with DH.
I have friends who have had babies at similar age to you and all worked out fine, having a child at 44 isnt that unusual anymore, your body clearly thinks its doable but it maybe harder than having a baby in your thirties.
Question is will you regret having a termination? Will there always be a what if?
I would try and let the shock settle before doing anything hasty.
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with DC 4 at 35 , my reaction was very much like yours although admittedly I was younger, I went to abortion clinic twice before deciding I couldnt go through with it, it was a heart versus head decision, anyway it all worked out in the end and Im so glad I went ahead with pregnancy.
At 7 weeks I was also hoping it wouldnt "stick" and if I could have taken a pill to make it all go away I would have ! So all I'm saying is make sure it's not a knee jerk reaction.
Many employers are now more flexible when it comes to working arrangements -part time, WFH, compressed hours are now in most work places considered normal so it maybe that you don't have to choose between career and baby, but clearly it is more juggling but dont forget DH can do his share too.
Ultimately its something only you can decide, good luck

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sisteroutlaw · 16/02/2021 19:38

@FourTeaFallOut GrinWink I took a picture of the second test as I was incredulous. I feel I should post on the peri-menopausal forums and remind everyone like a nagging aunt to be super careful with contraception.

So will have a Big Chat with DH tonight. You're right @Runnerduck34 to not be too rash. The thing is you can and do literally get a pill (pills) to induce abortion up to 10wks now. The trick will be making a decision and really getting behind it as the right thing for us.

Another concern on the pile is the anomaly scan and the heightened risk of birth defects as eggs are older. Then potentially having to terminate later and it all being more traumatic. Shucks. Thanks again for listening x

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