Unplanned pregnancy - completely torn

[Lou1293]

Hi everyone - this is going to be long so hope someone has time to read it. Please don’t judge.

I’m 27, partner is 25. We’ve both got careers, own our home and have been together for 3 years. Financially stable and happy together.
I have fallen pregnant whilst on mini pill, currently 6+1.
I’m swinging between this is absolutely not the right time - we’d planned to renovate our home, travel and then consider having a baby in 2/3 years time to ‘we could make it work and we are stable and this was the long term plan anyway’.

I had an abortion at 18 with my ex who was abusive and I do not regret at all. This time, one minute I think I’ve got to end the pregnancy and the next I’m crying at the thought of doing so.

My partner would support me either way but I know deep down he really does not want a baby yet and his opinion affects mine.

To make it more difficult, I’m actually a midwife so will be surrounded by pregnant women/babies and have no escape from it.

I’ve been to BPAS and have had the tablets sat here now for 2 days. Scared to take the mifepristone knowing that will be the end.

We’d planned to travel, save more, renovate our home and ideally get married. I just don’t know what to do and whether this is the right time.

Will having an abortion affect how I feel about becoming pregnant when we plan to do so? Will I feel regret and sadness with a ‘planned’ pregnancy?

Anyone been in a situation where they feel stuck between a rock and a hard place? Any advice to help us come to a decision?
Thank you xx

Sometimes we can't always plan our lives in correct order, the future hasn't happened yet, this is the present, you will get to do all those things but Perhaps it'll take a bit longer than expected.

I had a termination two weeks ago, the father was happy, I was conflicted, one minute I wanted it, next I didn't, I choose want i wanted to do and deep down I knew I wasn't in the right relationship.
Afterwards I've had the odd pang of regret, it's not an easy decision.

How do you think it will affect the relationship? and in your own time away from your partner think which way is swaying you the most, go for what you want now in life.

Oh op I feel you.

I had two abortions - one at 18 and one at 23. I don't regret either. I very nearly had one again when I fell pregnant at 30 and had just been made redundant from work, but my partner wanted to keep it desperately (but would have supported me either way). The first 3 months of my pregnancy was horrendous mentally and I just thought there was no way I'd make it through to 9 months, I told a couple of friends and when I did I thought why am I telling people this I'm not going to keep it - it felt so wrong and weird. I remember going for my 12 week scan and thinking it's not too late to have a termination even if I see the baby is ok. But by the time I got to 14 weeks something in me flipped a switch and it was suddenly something I wanted more than anything in the whole world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that either way, whatever decision you make is the best for you and your family. I don't regret my terminations and I most definitely don't regret having my daughter, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I think you need to write a list of pros for each scenario and decide which are more important to you at this moment in time.

Again I can't stress enough that whatever decision you make is YOURS and if you choose termination for whatever reasons, those reasons are good enough. Be kind to yourself always. Xxx

@Lou1293

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I went though something similar. Fell pregnant at 21 and my partner clearly didn’t want the baby. I terminated at 6 weeks against all my better judgement as I desperately wanted to be a mum. It tore me up mentally and I became obsessed with marrying my partner and getting pregnant again and having a baby the “right way”. Long story short, we got married and I got pregnant again trying to replace the baby I terminated. We had a son with special needs the following year. Our marriage started to fall apart immediately. But I was relentless in my quest to be a mum (still full of pain and regret) and stayed and had 2 more children before getting divorced. I should have never stayed with him - he showed his true colours when he pressured me to terminate and then watched my mental health deteriorate. Thankfully I’ve had years of wonderful therapy and made peace with it.

I guess my advice would be to just think carefully about what YOU want and not to feel pressured into making a choice you may not be able to live with. Life never turns out the way you expect it to. And definitely seek out counselling no matter what you decide, I really wish I had all those years ago. I’ve since had a second termination with a different partner and this time around I was confident in my decision and did it because I knew it was best for me and my existing children. It showed me the huge difference it can make mentally when you are making the choice that YOU want without any outside influence.

Good luck to you! X

@Lou1293
Sorry I should clarify that I’m not suggesting your partner is pressuring you to terminate, I’m just trying to highlight the importance of making the decision without the opinions of others clouding what you want. Mine is more of a cautionary tale to show what can happen when you rush to do something that you don’t really want to do and the toll it can take on your mental health if you let it fester and don’t address things. I should have made different and better choices. I don’t regret that termination now 16 years later because it led to me having my beautiful kids. It was just a very hard path at the time.

Your choice entirely but just to say that I fell pregnant unexpectedly at 25 whilst in the final year of my degree. I couldn't terminate and only considered it briefly as an option because I knew that I wanted children in the next few years and so, in my head, I knew I was just saying that the timing was inconvenient rather than terrible. I didn't actually realise I wanted children until I had that decision to make.

It’s so hard when a situation like this arises. I’d rather, were it me, it be completely the wrong time/ situation that ‘just a bit off what we planned’

Whilst it’s never an easy decision it’s especially tough when you have the inclination, stability and resources to do it but it’s just not quite what you planned.

Only you can make the decision but 100% do not take the tablet until your totally sure and have remained totally sure (no changes) for a decent period (a week or so). You can’t undo it once done.

It is one of the worst situations to be in. The only thing worse is to have an abortion and regret it. This is my experience amidst the 1st lockdown last year and I'm only now (after a hell of a lot of therapy and medication) able to see a future again.

I agree do not do anything until you are sure. You have time here yet so don't take them until you have been certain for some time. If that doesn't come, that may be telling you something. I think you need to be certain to have an abortion rather than certain about continuing a pregnancy. You cannot undo it, but given time you could become happy with the pregnancy as you plan more.

You say about your partner's opinion affecting your opinion. I think you need to look into that on this occasion. Do you think you'd keep it if he was supportive? I completely understand why you'd say it, as I thought the same, but now I honestly can't believe I would put what he thought on this up there (he was not supportive at all). It's made me feel very weak and reassess everything.

For me the things I had planned seemed exacerbated by the lockdown pressure, before having another kid I wanted to get back to normal life first and do things again! But maybe covid has shown us that maybe sometimes plans do get f*cked up, but that life is not over, we just have to rearrange a bit. I already have a daughter and we are doing all you planned since having her.

And I'm actually pregnant again now (8 weeks) but it's definitely now not the happy pregnancy that I had always dreamed of. I feel I've chosen a haunted life over an uncertain 8 months which would then have turned into the best thing ever in my life I'm sure.

And I've also had the aversion to babies thing since, and have had to have time off work, and I don't work anywhere near kids! Please just try and take your time and try to work out why you are thinking certain things and be sure about this. All the best x

I think there's definitely something to be said for having a baby when you're ready (as much as you can be, obvs), when you feel like you've done all the things you want to do like travelling etc, and when you're sure both parents are 100% all in and on board. That is how I'd be viewing this - you can't half-arse having a baby, if you're not 100% all in I wouldn't do it because it's such a huge upheaval to your entire life.

But that's me - I've ended a pregnancy before because I wasn't ready to give up my life to parenthood, despite my situation being pretty ideal, and I have no regrets at all. Other people are a little more 'this is where life has taken me so let's go with it' and that's absolutely valid too!

Only you know if you'd:

• regret having the baby now before you're ready/have done everything you wanted to

or whether you'd regret not continuing with the pregnancy more.

Good luck, whatever you choose. I know it can be a tough one but your decision is absolutely fine, either way ❤️

Hi there, I haven’t got much to add to what all the lovely ladies here have said. I’d say exactly the same things: don’t take the pills if you’re not 100% sure because once abortion is done it can’t be undone, and with either choice you make, we’re here to support you. At the end of the day it’s your decision what to do; I would never judge you and no one should, not for either choice.

I thought I would add my personal story to the thread; it is similar to others on here. I fell pregnant at 20, living at home, with no education or job. I wasn’t even sure I wanted a child, then or ever. My boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion, but, although everything seemed against me having my baby, in the end I just couldn’t do it. I kept my son and raised him without that boyfriend in the picture or without help from any man, and things worked out really well for him and for me! His arrival motivated me to turn my life round, go back to school (yes, parenting and education can be done at the same time), and get a pretty good job to provide for us. He’s grown now and is successful and happy in life, and helps me in many ways. As for me, I’ve travelled extensively – often even with my son both as a child and adult! I’ve had nice boyfriends when the time was right and have a lovely home. Has life always been prefect, and is it perfect now? Absolutely not, of course. But no one’s is, and there’s really no ‘ideal’ time for anything, is there?

I sincerely wish you all the best no matter what. Would like to know how you’re doing if you would care to keep in touch! xx