Unexpected 3rd pregnancy- advice needed

[Confusedat38]

I found out yesterday that I am pregnant with my 3rd child and have pretty much cried solidly ever since.

My DCs are 3 and 1. I am the wage earner in the household, we live in Singapore which is extremely expensive and I only get 8 weeks paid leave. We are $10,000s in debt after the last two, my boss already hates me for 2 maternities in 3 years, we are nearly 40, own no property and have no assets and just cannot really afford another baby. In fact not sure if we want a third at all!

But the thought of terminating just breaks my heart.

I am so confused and torn and living on the other side of the world from my family. I just need some advice.

Hi confused, not many up in the UK yet but I don’t want you to feel ignored. My surprise was number 4. I went ahead, the pregnancy was hell and I had an accident during birth that kept me disabled in bed for three months after, which was hell for everyone except the baby (turns out babies adore being held by their mother 22 hours a day and never going anywhere!). Best accident ever for me though (the baby, not the injury!) even though it’s been bloody hard.

My first thought on reading your post was whether you could get jobs back in the U.K. (assuming from your post that that’s what you mean by the other side of the world). And if you could, would it make things easier and would you want that?

You can only do what is right for you and your family, remember that. Is relocating a possibility, can your husband take the maternity leave like here in the U.K?

I’m a very firm believe in women’s choice, not to get into the politics of termination, so I would say you have options and hopefully even a little time to get your head around the news and weigh everything up. What would you say to your best friend?

I’m sorry this is so hard for you.

That sounds so hard. Having two children so close together before you add in the pressure of a short Mat leave, bring the main wage earner and living so far from home do not having family support in the same way - it's a lot.

I totally understand where you are.

Only you know the true cost to you and your family, mentally and physically and you don't need to feel guilty about that either way.

When I was young I always thought I could have a termination if needed without too much of a heavy heart (not cold just practical) but having had two children I think I would, like you find the idea of it very hard. However I am quite a practical person and know a very early termination might be what my family and I might need for many reasons. Is it even an option in Singapore? Does your health insurance cover counselling which you could perhaps access ASAP to help you with this?

I am also newly pregnant with my 3rd, (6 and almost 2 yrs). I am also the sole earner. I looked at your age difference and it's so close, freaked me out too but we mothers are so strong and can do anything we set our mind to. We don't have much support here too. You are almost 40, I would tough it up and raise the baby, your 1yr old will be almost 2 when the baby comes. Your boss cannot fire you for being pregnant, and surprises happen to most people. I am trying to clear off 9k debt before the baby comes. We live minimally, I got on a budget (Dave Ramsey.com), watch what I spend weekly, I should be debt free in 5 mths then it gives me 2 months to prepare for the baby. With 2 young kids you will use lots of hand me downs. But think about and do what you think it's best for your family. It's definitely scary because you are unprepared, there is a lot to think about.

@Coolhand2 "tough it up" seems quite hard advise to me. Also life and laws are very different in Singapore than they are here. On top of that having no support network around as an Ex Pat, you is SO hard. I know past colleagues who had babies in jobs overseas not choosing to have more children for this reason alone.

OP you sound like you have a lot of pressures in your life and you also sound like a very strong woman coping with them all already. Please reach out to your closest friends as well for a good heart to heart with those who know you inside and out. You don't need to make this choice alone. Lean on your husband and friends as well as getting some paid help if you can. Hugs.

Thanks for the comments so far. Moving home is not really an option, then we would have no jobs, no income and still have a lot of debt but no way to pay it. My earning potential in the UK is a fraction of what it is out here, even if I can find a job.

I get access to free external counselling as part of my benefits at work so have reached out to HR to see how I access it.

I dont even know when I have to make a decision by. My missed period was only last week, so still only 5 weeks pregnant.

[quote ColdCottage]@Coolhand2 "tough it up" seems quite hard advise to me. Also life and laws are very different in Singapore than they are here. On top of that having no support network around as an Ex Pat, you is SO hard. I know past colleagues who had babies in jobs overseas not choosing to have more children for this reason alone.

OP you sound like you have a lot of pressures in your life and you also sound like a very strong woman coping with them all already. Please reach out to your closest friends as well for a good heart to heart with those who know you inside and out. You don't need to make this choice alone. Lean on your husband and friends as well as getting some paid help if you can. Hugs. [/quote]
Thank you so much for this comment, but it has absolutely set me off in floods of tears again. Termination is legal and readily available with high quality healthcare here, so at least I have the option if that is the path I decide.

Hi @Confusedat38 I'm in a similar situation - overseas and very unexpectedly pregnant with DC3. Admittedly we don't have financial issues but for various reasons, I will only be able to take one month maternity leave if I don't want to lose my job (it's a bit complicated) I am also in a country where terminating the pregnancy is not possible.

I don't really have any words of advise, but what has really helped me is talking very openly and honestly with my DH about it. He shares many of the same concerns as I do, but he is also very pragmatic and of the opinion 'whatever happens, we will make it work and we will be ok.'

I have my first ultrasound next week and keep asking myself how I will feel if the pregnancy is not viable. The honest answer is I would feel a mixture of sadness but also relief.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

I'm glad to hear you have manage to arrange some counselling. It's early days, your head must be swimming and the hormones don't help.

Be kind to yourself x

How are you doing @Confusedat38 ?