t/w Abortion regret

[leishab]

Hi.
I wasn’t really sure whether to post or not, i’ve kind of been pondering for a while.
I’m 21, a university student and part time worker and my partner works fulltime. We both earn a decent income between us. I’ve just had an abortion, around ten days ago. As soon as i took the pills i broke down and had instantly regretted my decision, whilst my partner is so supportive, i feel like now he just tells me it was the right thing to do for all the reasons we decided but that doesn’t stop the guilt and regret that i have come with it all. I know I could’ve worked hard, i know we would’ve been able to afford it but i feel as though at the time i convinced myself otherwise. I know i can’t go back anymore and what’s done is done i just have to try and move on, but i’m just really struggling to do so, i’ve not been able to sleep properly ever since and everytime i close my eyes i can only picture what could’ve been. I’ve always been a firm believer of not living in the past but i just somehow cannot move on from this. I have Pcos and whilst it’s risky and irresponsible after doctors telling me i’d never conceive for 5 years i wasn’t using any protection so i thought it was truly impossible. I used to get negative tests and feel so disheartened even though knowing i was in no position for a baby back then- Now however i think i could’ve been. I know 21 is so young and i have my entire life ahead of me like my Mum keeps telling me, she tells me to go travel but i don’t think anything can fill the void i’m feeling inside of me. I apologise to my insides and i cry wishing i was different, that maybe if i’d completed uni years ago instead of deferring it could’ve been different and i wouldn’t have to ‘kill’ my baby. I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone. I just need a safe space to say everything that is literally drowning my brain. Does anyone have any advice on how i can even begin to be okay again? Once again i’m sorry if this post has caused any distress i just didn’t know what to do or who to go to. I just feel like no one understands me and i get the brush off with ‘you’re too young, live your life’ but when you see people becoming moms around you who are no better off or younger it really makes me think were my decisions just excuses?
Thanks in advance.

So sorry youre feeling this way. Before you took the pills would you say you were really confident in your decision? Or were you not really sure?

I had a termination recently and I absolutely know it was the right thing, no doubt in my mind, but that hasn't stopped me being so upset to the point I could barely breathe, thinking what could have been, and feeling an unbelievable amount of grief. However even with all those feelings I know it was right and don't regret it. I guess what I'm trying to say is even if you don't regret the decision I have found i still had to go through a horrible grieving process. Im about a week post treatment now and today is the first day I've been able to feel better about things.

My partner is exactly how you said. Supportive but using a logical brain to go through the reasons. That didnt make me feel better either. It took me going through the grief process before I could say yes youre right and be a bit less upset about it. I think you just need time to work through your emotions. I know ill still have sad moments but today is the first day since I found out I'm pregnant that I don't feel like I'm drowning.

Please do keep talking on here I find it helps so much x

So sorry you feel like this. Remember the hormones will still be driving your hormones crazy. I had one a few years ago - I felt horrendous for the first month or so, thinking this would be something I'd never forgive myself for. It took some time, but I did come to terms with the decision and know it was 100% the right decision. Give yourself time and take care of yourself

Hi, i’m so sorry you’ve had the feel like this too. I’d say i was unsure before i took them, i was very back and forth even though in my head i thought i had made a decision. My termination was almost two weeks ago now and as soon as i took the pills i broke down, i was alone and put my phone on plane mode so my partner couldn’t call me for half an hour and i just sobbed because it felt so wrong. I’m the same, i know it’s the best thing because how can someone who is just back in education and on track raise a child? But i also know it would’ve been possible for me so i think that’s what makes it ten times worse. I just don’t know what to do, or who to go to. I think i’m going to go to the doctors because even when i try not to think of the what ifs, they creep into my mind whenever i try to close my eyes for 40 winks. I just don’t think anyone can stop the pain i’m feeling, i feel like i’ll regret this for the rest of my life and i just don’t know what i can even do.

Aw hun I cant imagine how you're feeling. I hope someone can come along soon with maybe some experience they've had with counselling or something. I think you're taking the right step in starting with the doctor.

I am one of those people who thinks everything does happen for a reason and we make the decisions we do for a reason. May not be clear now. I know that's not helpful at all when you're feeling as desperate as you are. I wish I knew the right thing to say to start to help. But just know you aren't alone and keep talking to your partner about how you feel xx

Thank you so much for even commenting, i was considering deleting it because i felt so stupid for posting. It’s so nice to feel like someone at least hears what you’re saying when you feel so alone. I hope the doctor can help! I don’t even know how to bring up any of my feelings with my partner.

@leishab you did what you thought was best at the time, having just gone through one myself, it only took me 4 days to decide after finding out a week before I was pregnant, I was 6 weeks and knew I would rather end the pregnancy sooner rather than later before the pregnancy progresses too much, so there's not much time, I try to find comfort that the foetus wasn't fully formed and unable to feel pain, my circumstances wasn't right to bring a child into the world. I've had a few pangs of what if but I do try and bring myself out of it and some days are better than others, it's still a raw experience for you.

I'm glad to hear your partner is supportive, you are very young at 21, you have years ahead of you to have children when the time is right, you will have that part of your life to look forward to.
Do talk more to your partner and ask the clinic for counselling.

I was around 10 weeks when it happened, it didn’t help that i read a lot of stuff about a baby forming a heart beat and limbs. I know i shouldn’t have looked but i couldn’t help myself at 2am when i was all alone and curiosity got the best of me. It just hurts so much. Hopefully a doctor can help me out especially with my sleeping because it’s so hard to manage work right now with no sleep let alone uni when it begins. Part of me was the same; i just wanted everything over with as soon as possible because the longer it went on the harder it was, it didn’t help the abortion pill clinic delayed the pills because their systems were down.

So sorry you are feeling bad OP.

I think this decision is often one people don’t feel entirely certain about. You will have done what seemed best at the time which is all anyone can do.

It’s totally natural to feel grief, and I think you should go and arrange some counselling so you can work through that, and not let it start to tangle up with regret in your mind. I think it would be great to get some help so you can move towards being at peace with your decision, which will be possible.

Also think you should go see your GP at the same time.

@leishab

Firstly hugs to you. I could have written almost your exact post nearly 17 years ago. I was also 21, in uni and working part time with a partner working full time. I had always wanted to be a mum and in fact when I found out I was pregnant (totally by accident) I told my partner by saying “you’re going to be a daddy”. His reaction however was panic. He said his mum would kill him and that we were too young etc but he would support me “either way”. Well it didn’t feel like support to me at all and I terminated at 6 weeks against all my better judgment. So this is where my tale becomes cautionary. After the termination I was consumed with guilt and grief. I never sought counselling and the only people who knew were my mum and partner so I had no friends to confide in. I became completely obsessed with being pregnant again and made some not so great decisions because of it, namely rushing to marry my partner and by the time that happened I was already 9 weeks pregnant less than 9 months after the termination. Our son was born with special needs and the marriage very quickly began to fall apart. I mention all this just to say - how you are feeling is very normal and you made the decision you felt was best at the time. Be kind to yourself and definitely seek out some counselling and try to work through your feelings. Your hormones will also still be settling down. I know how much this hurts. I’m a very headstrong person and I thought I could “fix my mistake” so to speak, and replace the baby I terminated . It was a very painful time.

The silver lining is that I am now a mum of 4, divorced from the father of my first 3 but in a loving long term relationship with the father of my 1yr old. I had another termination almost 2 months ago now and I was so much more confident in my decision and it has been far far easier on my mental health.

It might take a little while but you will eventually get to a time and place where it will feel easier. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal and try to focus on some of the goals you’d like to achieve in the near future. I’m sure you will be a great mum whenever you feel ready.

@ChickaboomZoom I’m sorry you also had to go through such a shit time. Truly no words can ever fix the pain you’ve previously felt. I felt so bad for wishing upon a miscarriage because i felt like it would be easier than having to make the decision myself - how disgusting is that? Your message truly truly made me sob, and i’m so glad you’re finally happy and with someone who is perfect for you. It’s all anyone deserves. i just want this to stop, i want to stop hurting and i want to be okay but it’s like no matter what i do or what i try to focus on and hope for, it doesn’t fix the hole in my heart. I keep thinking all i’ve done is kill my baby how do i deserve a life? It’s so so horrible. Thank you so much for your reply, all of these messages from everyone is bringing me comfort when i read them to know i’m not as alone as i thought. Thank you and congratulations on your four beautiful babies ❤️