What is abortion guilt & anxiety like?

[Orangebitters]

Hi everyone, I'm 34 and unexpectedly pregnant. 2+2. I'm really struggling with what to do. My personal situation is stable and my DP and I could have this baby. What's worrying me is that I just started a new job which I love, and really wanted to be successful at. It was the best opportunity I've ever had in my career. The thought of being sick for the next few months and not being able to work properly, and then having to take leave after 9 fills me with dread. This year has taken a real toll on my mental health, like everyone, but the job was the one positive I had. And now this-- it's overwhelming.

I do want a baby one day. I just wasn't ready. Given how unsure I am, I imagine the guilt associated with an abortion could be huge.

I also have anxiety that if I don't go ahead with this pregnancy, I could struggle to get pregnant in future. Just because it was so easy once doesn't mean it will be next year, right?

Does anyone have any experiences or guidance to share?

Nobody else’s feelings will predict your own. Lots of people happily have ToPs without suffering any guilt or anxiety. However, you seem to think you are likely to experience both.

My experience won’t help you at all. We are more than likely very different and how I coped with my two abortions won’t be the same as you might cope.

Only you can really make this decision. You are right that it may not be easy to conceive again but neither should you lose your career for being pregnant now.

Grief is a very very personal experience so its really hard to give an answer. Add to that eceryone who approaches abortion has different reasons and circumstances, which all greatly effect how you will feel afterwards. You could even ask someone with exactly the same reasons as you, and how they feel afterwards could be completely different to how you feel. The only person who matters here is you. If you sit and think about it calmly( hard i know) and picture yourself in a year from now with both scenarios, how do you feel about each one? Does one feel more overwhelming than the other? It sounds hard, but its much easier to focus on the known outcome as you are sure they will happen, for example. Would you have to leave work when your baby is born? Could you job share or work part time? Is it possible for dad to stay at home while you return? These are all things you can work out now that may well make the desicion easier either way.Good luck

I think it's different for everyone, but the only things I would say are - think of it as having to manage grief rather than guilt - I hope you won't feel guilty (you shouldn't, it's a valid choice) - but you will possibly have to manage some level of grief. And then try and separate that feeling from the more practical fact that as you say you aren't super young, so it is possible (not necessarily the case of course) that if you do decide to try later it may not be as easy, so you may have to manage your feelings around that.

Beyond that, I think previous PP advice on sitting and thinking how you will feel in a years time is a good one.

Also I would also think openly about whether you can in fact manage your career successfully alongside a baby, should you decide you'd like to do that. One of the main factors here is will your partner step up and do 50/50 with you - absolutely the most important thing in being a working mother.

I had a termination in similar circs a few years ago. The timing was totally wrong for us, although happily married etc DH had just given up his job to go s/e which we had been planning for a few years, with the intention I would be the breadwinner for a few years whilst he built his business. I had also just changed jobs. We had also been partying pretty hard and the thought that I might have a baby with health problems because of my own actions worried me a lot (although that may have been totally irrational I know).

DH was really against having the baby due to the bloody awful timing, I was less sure but knew it probably was a very bad idea from a practical and financial perspective. So I picked for me, what was the least worst option. I wont lie, I found the first year afterwards very hard, particularly around the time the baby would have arrived, and mothers day. No guilt as such, but some sadness around what could have been if I'd made a different choice. What also didn't help was DH had absolutely none of the angst I had - once I'd had the termination and he had looked after me for a few days, the event was over for him and he never mentioned it again. Not sure if that's just my DH or a male thing! Whereas I got quite weepy on and off for quite a while. It did feel like there was a hormonal impact for a few months afterwards.

I am now 7 years on and I don't regret it, and pretty much never think of it at all. As its turned out, we haven't, and won't have children, and I'm actually fine with that.

My understanding is abortion regret happens when the decision to abort was not a considered and definite decision made by the woman. So women who are pushed into it by partner/family, women who feel financial/work/family circumstances leave them with no choice etc.

In my opinion, the best way to determine whether a termination is the right decision for you is to access some unbiased counselling. Nobody else can make that decision for you but I think it is very important that you actually make a considered and well-thought out decision. That may be to terminate or it may be to continue with the pregnancy.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

I can only share in terms of how I feel after a very recent termination. It was 100 percent the right choice, I took weeks reaching the decision. I made the choice due to high risks to my health, and I still feel guilty, sad, full of grief. There is even a twinge of regret but I know I 100 percent made the right choice for my family. I guess its that niggling voice saying but you might have been OK. But I couldn't take the risk.

Just trying to say that you may suffer those feelings of guilt and grief even when you are certain you've made the right choice. I think its just natural and a process you have to go through. I have friends who have went through it and they said it took a while for those feelings to start to diminish.

I think just take some time and work out what you want without putting too much pressure on yourself. I was up and down for weeks in my decision it was only when I was absolutely certain that I went ahead. I had a very strong feeling in my gut not to go ahead with the pregnancy. Xx