Unexpected pregnancy in bad relationship

[Ilovewatermelon]

Hi,

I feel so lost right now and so stupid for allowing this to happen but here I am anyway..

I've been with my partner almost over 5 years and tbh it hasn't always been great (he's always resorted to drinking / drug taking in tough times and is not emotionally available). I guess I stayed becuase I had my own issues and was drawn to a toxic relationship and just brushed it off as 'he's got a good heart really and not abusive like my ex' ..

Anyway fast forward to 2017 we had split up due to his bad behavior and I was finally done.. Except I wasn't as found out I was pregnant after we'd split! Cut a long story short we ended up getting back together and he sorted it out and although he was never the most hands on dad he nuckled on down with work and was completely sober for a couple of years once DS was born and we did the usual family stuff holidays / picnics etc and it was lovely to share the experience of our baby together (even though I did most of the childcare but he was working a manual job a bringing in the money so it didn't phase me).

Fast forward to summer 2020 I don't know if it was boredom, lockdown, the novelty of having our son wearing off but my partner started drinking casually again, at first I thought who am I to stop a working man relaxing at the weekends but since September he has rarely worked blaming lockdowns for feeling depressed and of course this has lead to drinking and I know drug taking although I'm not sure what I just know he is self medicating with something!

Christmas he didn't get up till 3 in the afternoon and in the evening decided to go round his mates house and didn't come back till 1am. I've been telling everyone we are done and I was making my escape plan (although also tough one as no one seems to want to rent to a single mum currently not working with a child and a dog).

Now for the real crunch.. I have just found out I'm pregnant again!!! (5 weeks) We literally slept together once in the past month and I feel so stupid for getting my self in this situation!!! I told him and he's told everyone before I could even get my own head round it and my father even put it on FB not realising a) I hadn't made up my mind and b) the 12 week rule!

'Partner' was over the moon and said he'll change bla bla bla but he's been out all night yet again and he sounded wrecked! I'm completely done with him as how can I trust him at all now! (not to mention putting us at risk hanging out with low life's and obviously not taking and covid precautions!).

I feel like I had come to terms with keeping this baby either way but maybe I was just living in hope and got ahead of myself.. Now I'm so confused what to do, I know it will be tough with two on my own but do I really know how tough!? I've been trying to justify it as I always wanted two anyway and at least same dad, he's stuck in my life anyway so maybe it makes no difference having another and I would be doing the childcare alone probably even if I stayed with him so maybe going it alone and having one less person's washing to do (his) would be easier. Or am I being completely naive, maybe a termination is the right choice and I'll just have to get over the 'what ifs' and hope I can have another baby in the future if I met the right person..

So sorry for the essay.. I just wanted to give some background to my crappy situation. Please don't judge me for staying in this relationship and not taking precautions. I guess I've let him off as he says he's been depressed because of lockdowns etc but his behaviour towards me and his son is not excusable and I realise this now.

I know it's a bit too personal to ask what I should do re keeping baby but I guess if there's any one in similar experiences or feels they do have advice I'd like to hear it as I'm feeling totally lost and stupid right now.

TIA x

Oh OP, you can still make the choice that’s right for you and tell people you’ve had a miscarriage.

@Changedforthisyear

I did consider that but it's not really me to be dishonest and I think that would make me feel more guilty. It did though cross my mind as I felt like everyone knew before it had even sunk in and Im wondering if that influenced my decision. However I'm still dewan back to the what ifs.. Then I argue its only 5 weeks.. But then my friend recently terminated at similar time as her situation wasn't right and shes urged me not to saying she thinks about it all the time x

You’ve still got options, but only terminate if it’s what you want to do. I’m a single parent with two children. yes it’s hard, but I don’t think it’s harder practically than being with a partner who doesn’t help with the childcare anyway.
Financially it can be tough, and it doesn’t sound like he is going to be financially responsible. You can claim benefits until you go back to work.
Either way, leave him as he brings nothing to the relationship by the should of it.
Does he own the house/is you name on the rental agreement? You can speak to the housing department and ask for advice. There are people who will foster a dog until you are back on your feet.

@BlueistheNewme

Can I ask how you find bring a single mum to two, do you ever get a moment to yourself, or do you have a good set up with their dad/s? My worry would be that no one would ever want to babysit two but maybe it's not so bad as they can entertain each other a bit? Financially yes can see it being more of a struggle so definetly that to consider too. With regards to living situation, council can't help me unless I'm mentally unstable and have proof because of it, otherwise I am intentially making myself homeless if I leave. I currently live with his mum (we rent the flat downstairs). She's totally on my side and would rather kick him out but this is how he always ends up worming his way back. As for the dog he's a big nervous dog and won't go with anyone else so that's a tough one too x

I’ve been on my own since they were 2 & 4 years. There’s 18 months between them. Before that he worked away, so I was used to the practicalities of being on my own. You just get into a routine, and have your time in the evenings. And make sure you go out for a walk every day, even if it’s just puddle splashing!
Obv it’s different at the moment, but I always found it easy to have people over with their children to play. I’d invite a few groups of friends over, and everyone would bring something for dinner. So we socialised and the kids played/crafted/ran around the park. And there are always other single parents who are happy to meet up and do things. We’ve been camping, Legoland overnight, budget city breaks with friends. Either single parents or their partners aren’t interested in doing things as a family/or are farmers.
I’ve always shared sleepovers/helped my brother & kids wife with childcare. Or have used childminders when I went back to work, and found one to work shifts. Before/after school clubs. I went back to work as a nurse, and tax credits (now universal credit) helped with childcare. I’ve worked various hours/shifts for 18hs a week to full time. And changed shift patterns/Jobs when needed. It’s hard, but less soul destroying than living with a man who isn’t able to put his family first. And when you know you have to do it all yourself, it’s easier than expecting the help and being disappointed!
Have you got a tenancy agreement with his parents? I don’t see why you would have to have a mental health problem to be re housed. Have you spoken to Shelter, maybe they would be more helpful.
You would not be intentionally homeless if the tenancy agreement comes to an end and his parents follow the process for you to leave. If there is no tenancy agreement then his parents can ask you to leave.
Who is funding the drugs & alcohol, and is he depriving you/child of finances to pay for them?

Thank you for your detailed reply, I do have friends with kids similar age so maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself and yeah tbh, whilst I don't really have them over much now as it's all about 'our family' I can see this being quite a nice set up and actually I'd probably have more fun having my own time in the evenings once kid/s in bed and with friends if they came over. You've shown me it can and does work. I actually think my little boy would be in a better routine if I was in my own and I wouldn't have to worry about having to make time or worry someone else (who clearly doesn't deserve my time). The council would have to obviously help if I went there with my bags packed etc but I've heard stories of being stuck in a run down bedsit for a couple of years and I guess I feel like that would be a worse quality of life than what it is right now (and there's still the dog situation), but maybe it's all worth it in the long run for a better future..!? I will try shelter too and see if they have any suggestions with my situation. Money wise he's always very generous when he's got it and he applied for a loan a little while ago which has seen him through along with borrowing from friends so he'll have all that to pay back too which would be a stress if I stayed with him. If I had a house to move into now I know I would be gone so I do know I don't love him anymore and I dont even know if that would ever come back even if he changed (he won't) so in terms of the relationship its fine and I'm fine being a single mum just need to work the housing /dog side out and still not 100% of I should keep the baby or not. As much as he wasn't that much help I can't imagine not having someone there to share those first moments and that does break my heart, I don't know of it would send me into depression as not what I thought my life would be, but I guess it never is. Well done you though it sounds like you are a strong woman and have really shown how single mums can do it.. Thanks again for replying x

I can’t advise about the new pregnancy, it’s a decision only you can make. And when you make it, it will be the right one for you at the time. x
Even if you do decide to leave, you don’t have to leave straight away. You can try and save some money, prepare yourself for moving out. And maybe look into options for your dog while you are between houses.
Even if you try getting the dog used to people, there is the borrow my dog where people come and walk the dog, get to know it.
Thank you for being kind, I’m no stronger than you though. We just have to keep doing our best. And do the things we need to, to make life the best it can be.