Did you have an abortion when you weren’t sure?

[UsernameSpoosername]

If so... how do you feel about it now? I’m almost 7 weeks pregnant, I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I’ve been going round in circles since I found out.

One minute I’m absolutely certain I have to have an abortion because 3 so close in age will be so hard.

The next minute I think I absolutely cannot have an abortion and start getting my head around the idea of a third. (Feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed accompany this decision.)

I thought after 2 weeks one decision would become the obvious one for me, but it hasn’t and I just do not know what to do at this point.

I’m in a similar position, except I already have 3 Dc a d slightly older 8,5,3. I have been to the clinic twice booked in to have surgical and left both times. The waiting in the clinic killed me, i couldn’t have anyone with me, and I didn’t feel resolute in my decision enough. I became overcome with anxiety and grief and left. I think I am now reluctantly continuing the pregnancy although still not sure if that is ‘right’ either. I had some counselling sessions with bpas, they helped to an extent, I also spoke with local birth reflections service, and I have talked to friends, but I felt I was just going round in circles too. With Christmas it’s so hard as well, and has felt like agony. I hope you find a resolution.

Hi @Mincepiebelly so sorry you’re in this position. How far along are you? Is it guilt alone stopping you from having the procedure or something else? Take care of yourself, I know it’s scary but everything will be ok x

I am now 14 weeks. Found out when I was 8 weeks already and then had to wait for an apt. I think it was partly guilt, and sense of loss, but also possibility that it might be ok, and also I didn’t feel clear about reasons to terminate. I do wonder what outcome might be if i was able to have partner with me in clinic. Waiting on my own for two and half hours, just was too hard, even though nurses when I saw them were very nice and understanding.

I thought we were done at 3, work, house/space, worries about other children, finances, were my reasons to go ahead, but they are all partly solvable. House would be tight, but there Is space, work would be awkward but these things happen...still feels like a mess, but trying to be kind to myself. It’s heartbreaking. Gd luck

How are you doing
Today @Mincepiebelly?

I had a termination recently, I have 3 dc already, age 7, 2 and just turned 1. I fell pregnant when my youngest was 9 months...I was very torn in what to do. My reasons for terminating we’re mainly because of difficult pregnancies and births (on crutches in pregancy and all births ended in csections with complications) and being advised against having another csection at my youngest child’s birth so I had worries surrounding that...I was that anxious about being pregnant again I actually thought I was going to die and leave my kids motherless (I realise now this was unlikely). I was also worried about it being completely the wrong time for us with already have 2 under 3. With all this said I desperately wanted the baby and didn’t want a termination...But the anxiety made me feel I had no choice.

I can say now the anxiety has lifted that I did have a choice and I probably overreacted. I feel although it was probably the best thing for the rest of the family it probably wasn’t for me as I wanted the baby. I had a very hard time accepting what I’d done in the first 2/3 weeks and wanting to turn back the clock, this could of also been hormone related as I can say I am ok now and it hasn’t destroyed me but it has changed me as a person and I think if I could turn back the clock I would and I would try and be braver and have the baby (as I did want it) however if I could also turn back the clock and not have got pregnant in the first place that would have been the best option. I cannot change the clock though and I have 3 children who have helped me through it and it was because of them that I felt I couldn’t “risk” another pregnancy and had to put them first which helps me. I think the key to deciding and not regretting your decision is....if u want the baby have it, if you don’t, don't...look at other factors of course though but don’t base it on that x

Thanks, UsernameSpoosername I am feeling slightly less panic stricken today, possibly as I am trying to put it out of my mind for a little bit, as a few days ago was really struggling. Just trying to let my feelings settle a bit, as I can’t think straight when I’m so overwhelmed. The time pressure thing is very hard. I don’t manage under time pressure. Hope you are doing ok.
Sorry to hear about your experiences Mummy23GBG but glad that the anxiety has lifted a little and you are doing a little better. Really resonate with your feeling of wishing you were never pregnant in first place, that’s exactly how I feel.

I had a termination and wish I hadn’t. Or wish I hadn’t got pregnant in the first place. The problem was following the termination I struggled to reconcile it with who I am. It’s not a position I thought I’d ever be in at nearly 40 with a lovely happy family. As soon as it happened I wanted to be pregnant again. I am now pregnant again (planned) and part of me feels it’s a second chance but mostly I feel just absolutely terrified that something is going to be wrong and that it may impact on my existing 2 kids negatively. The pandemic is not helping. I don’t know if it’s hormones or antenatal anxiety or what it is but I feel in exactly the same state I was in before but know I can’t make the same decision again. I haven’t had a midwife appointment yet but will speak to her about anxiety as really think that must be what it is.
OP, I’d also have 3 close in age. After the termination it suddenly didn’t seem such a big deal and I’d be happier with 3 and being too busy than the regret I felt. However not everyone feels regret and I maybe should have got counselling to get over it rather than thinking another baby would solve it. I’m in a bit of a state now as feel back at square one but it could be amplified due to early pregnancy. I hope I have helped a little. Really feel for you as it’s such a hard place to be in x

@Mummyto3GBG I feel just like you. I did then and I do now. I am so worried I’m going to die and leave my children motherless. I am scared I’ll get covid in the last trimester and won’t survive or that my baby will have a condition which will impact on my current children’s lives. I don’t know what to do really as I’ve ended up in the same state of anxiety. When I wasn’t pregnant I could think rationally and know these things are unlikely but now I’m thinking they are highly possible :(
@UsernameSpoosername I hope this thread helps you. I’m not sure there is a right answer just the best one you can make at the time for both yourself and your family. It is very difficult dealing with such a shock and the time pressure to try make a decision is very difficult. Take care

Hi OP, name changed to answer this as I can relate, it's an absolutely awful time.

I had a termination 18 months ago, when my 2 DC were both under 5. I went round in circles too, mainly because although there were loads of good reasons not to proceed, they were probably manageable enough, and we could have muddled through ok.

Ultimately I went ahead with the procedure as I realized it was mainly the terrible guilt that was throwing me off so badly. Of course in a perfect world I'd like to have gone ahead, I'd never NOT want any baby of mine - that's why it's such an awful dilemma. But the circumstances were definitely not right and on balance I felt it in all our interests not to have it. My first sinking gut feel never went away, so I went with it.

I cried a lot of tears and on the day of the pills I sobbed at what an awful person I was. I think it probably goes against all our natural instincts. But I didn't really doubt the choice I'd made was the right one. I actually felt much better for having made a decision. The limbo was truly the worst part.

The process was painless and over quickly, and I can honestly say I've never regretted it, nor dwelled on it. I think the underlying guilt will always be there, and I'll have the odd random pang when I'm in the shower, or watching something on tv. But there has been nothing strong enough to overpower the relief, or make me unhappy. I believe a decision can be dreadful, but still be right.

Sorry that's a bit of a ramble. It's very hard to give advice as the decision is SO personal, and nobody takes it lightly. It's trite but I think whatever you go with IS the right choice. Good luck to you, it will work out. X

@quicknamechange100 thank you so much, you have really summed up my feelings perfectly. I’m so sorry you had to experience this, it really is awful.

But it gives me hope that you live a happy life now despite having to make that decision despite having doubts. Wish you all the best

@ScaredyCat40 this is exactly how I was...so anxious about being pregnant and what could go wrong I couldn’t see anything good in it other than I would of liked another baby and would of been ok once it had arrived. This anxiety was amplified by medical staff advising another pregnancy would be high risk etc. I literally thought there was no other option but to terminate. Now I’m not pregnant I can’t see why I was so anxious but it’s easy to say that when your not in that situation anymore. I think I just feel guilt that I terminated as it went against everything I believed in and against my mothering instincts but at the time my mothering instincts told me to protect the children I have. I do have guilt and think sometimes I should of carried on but also the thought of being pregnant now or getting pregnant again fills me with the same anxiety so i don’t think it’s the right thing to do. I think I just wish I could rectify the situation and I can’t as the only thing that would rectify it would be to have not got pregnant in the first place. Someone said to me on here when I was deciding what to do and feeling guilty for terminating that sometimes there isn’t a right decision, just 2 wrongs. X

@Mummyto3GBG yes just 2 very difficult decisions. I’m glad you are at peace with your decision. I wish I had been with mine. Now I find myself in the same situation as I thought it would I fix it and it hasn’t. If I’d known I’d feel like this again I wouldn’t have tried again. It’s such a mess. It’s not that I wouldn’t love my own baby and make it work it’s just that it’s so overwhelming in the middle of a pandemic too!

@Mincepiebelly hi , I know this is a older thread but everything you've posted is what I'm going through . I have my 3rd surgical booked Thursday . How did things turn out? I'm 11 weeks with my third . It's a very u planned pregnancy .

I was in this situation a couple of weeks after the start of the first lockdown, with a 7 month and 2 year old. Everything was so uncertain. I had huge waves of anxiety over how I’d cope, covid, lockdown meaning no support network. I also couldn’t shake the strangest of feelings that something would be very wrong. The hardest decision I ever made. I went to the clinic twice and finally, after still not really knowing but on the other hand a subconscious certainty I took the pills home. It took me another 4 days of going around in circles, I started the process…

It was an instant relief however I do have moments when I know I made a big mistake but this is mixed with ‘knowing’ something was wrong and it was for the best. Strange, I can’t explain. I still do have moments of what if…

Hi

I continued with pregnancy in the end. I couldn’t go through with termination, as I couldn’t find a clear enough reason in my head for me. I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy ( and I feel sad about that) it did get easier as time went by and I told people and it was a reality.

Now my little baby is 3 months and very cute, and sometimes I think why was I so anxious/stressed about whole thing. Having said that it’s hard work with a baby and I do think it has taken its toll on us all, although my others on the whole have been besotted with the baby. Financially things aren’t so bad at the moment as we got given lots of stuff and I’m on mat leave.
Good luck it’s one of the worst situations to be in. I definitely found things easier when a decision had been made.

Mincepiebelly@IcewiththatThank you for your replies ! Helps me very much to hear both sides , I'm glad it worked out ok for you both in the end!