Advice needed - termination booked but still so unsure

[Jenga83]

I'm 37 and 9 weeks pregnant with my first and utterly utterly lost and confused as to what to do. I'm in a 2 year relationship with a good guy but prior to finding out I was pregnant, I came to the painful realisation that I was not in love with him the way I wanted to be and after a lot of soul searching, came to the conclusion that I needed to move on. The thought of being single at my age terrified me as I've always wanted to settle down with someone I love and have a family but I thought it still wasn't too late to maybe find that.

Then this happened and I honestly don't know how to feel. BF is super excited and supportive which actually makes matters worse...I feel like if he was unsure also, it would make the decision easier in a way but he's against terminating as he sees it as a blessing and a gift from the universe. I, on the other hand, am unable to think of anything but negatives....I'm financially secure and in a good place to have a child but I so desperately wanted it to be within a loving relationship that I feel it's irresponsible to bring a child into this world knowing that our relationship will more than likely not last. To add, I live in Ireland and come from a very Catholic family....a baby born outside of marriage even at this age will still be frowned upon, having a baby and not even being in a secure relationship is the height of irresponsibility and shame. I know these views are antiquated and in another situation I would be scoffing at them but when it's actually me who's involved, I can't help the stigma and shame that I feel. I really don't want to be a single mother.

Part of me is clinging to the hope that going through the pregnancy and having the baby together will actually bring us closer together and I will feel come form of content in the relationship. Part of me knows that if I continue with the pregnancy, I will force myself to stay with my BF in order to keep the family together even if it means a lifetime of not being truly happy. I have a romanticised notion that if I terminate, break up and move on, it's fairer on the baby and I'm giving myself a chance of finding true love and happiness before it's too late.....but maybe I'm kidding myself and just need to accept the reality for what it is right now

Help, what should I do?

Only you can decide but I’ll tell you my story.

I had a termination 2 years ago at 9 weeks. I already had a 10 month old and my relationship was failing. I knew I wanted out if the relationship so the decision was easy for me. I couldn’t be a single parent to two small children. I find being a parent really hard, it’s not natural for me at all.

I’ve never regretted my decision to terminate but if the pregnancy had have been my first, my decision may have been different.

My personal opinion is that you should be 100% sure you want to terminate and any doubts should really be considered. Being a single parent is hard but it’s also amazing

I went through with my pregnancy knowing I wouldn't carry on with my relationship. I had an abortion booked but just decided that I wanted the baby. It actually cristallised in my mind that his father wasn't the right man but that I did still want to be a mother.

It's very hard OP. If you do want kids one day then this makes it harder. You DO NOT need to stay with this man, even if he is lovely.

I do think it's probably easier to regret an abortion than regret having a child. But I haven't had one and I support any woman in having one, at any point during the pregnancy, for any damn reason she cites.
I'm sorry you're going through this. What I do think is you need to give yourself a deadline. Don't become a mother by default.

OP, have you had any proper counseling? Have you spoken to a doctor or clinic? BPAS?

If you really want a child, given your age I would think seriously about keeping this baby. You have to be completely sure a termination is the way to go I think, even if you know you’re not going to stay with the father.

Thank you for the replies. I have had a couple of calls with a counsellor but it has only resulted in me feeling more conflicted with the decision. It’s like I just can’t let go of the idea that this isn’t the way I wanted my life to work out and I feel like I’m deeply grieving it already. Terminating now may give me the chance to go out and find what I’m looking for, or it may not...I could be left with nothing but regret at the end of all of this. I meditated and set an intention at the start of this year that I would one day hold a baby in my arms...and now it seems like the universe has answered but I’m firmly rejecting it, I can’t seem to make sense of it at all why I’m feeling so strongly like this. I think it all comes down to shame...I think if I was advising a friend I’d say to go ahead with the pregnancy but when it comes to me and the reality of the situation, I can’t accept the stigma/shame around being a single mum...good old catholic guilt is really getting to me

Take time to make your decision, I had a termination and decided very quickly that I was going to do it. I now regret it. Not saying you’ll do the same just take time x

Tbh it sounds like you want to keep the baby. I think in your situation I would keep the baby (not that you should just that I would). And I think you need to find a way to get over being so panicked about the stigma around being a single mum (rather than worried about being a single mum which I think is a different issue). At your age you must have seen a lot of strong, successful single mums in Ireland.

I just can’t let go of the idea that this isn’t the way I wanted my life to work out and I feel like I’m deeply grieving it already.

It can be very hard to let go of the life you imagined and acceot how things are today. As a Catholic who's separated w5uth two dcs I understabd that angle too - sympathies.

I think to have a termination you need to be really sure. If you definitely do want to be a mother you also need to be realistic about your age and fertility.

It's not easy being a single parent. But it has huge value and my kids are amazing.

I’m so sorry for your dilemma. Please remember that shame is a total social construction, and that for every person that would judge, there is someone who would applaud and admire. What you have done is absolutely not shameful. People have unplanned pregnancies all the time, all over the world, every hour of every day. It’s not shameful.

I had three children incredibly quickly and when I found out about the third (unplanned) I seriously considered terminating too.

Only you can make your decision but please don’t feel shame for whatever choice you make. You have done nothing shameful.

If your partner is a good man, is there a reason that you couldn't bring up the child as good co-parents but not necessarily as a couple? In many ways single parenting is very hard (having done it on my own) if you're completely alone but it is made much easier by having a good coparent to do it with, share the cost and taks, and that said brings its own benefits if you're able to successfully divide childcare between parents (you have more time to yourself, to pursue another meaningful relationship etc).

Sorry OP I missed the points about being in Ireland! I guess this means my thoughts above are not really relevant, as in the UK people are more accepting of children born of single parents.

NB a single parent is nothing to be ashamed of, maybe you need some counselling as other PP mention. It may help you come to terms with your feelings in the context of your family's reaction etc. Being a single parent has made me one of the strongest people I know.

My good friend had 3 abortions in her late thirties and early 40s. She always desperately wanted a child but never found herself with the right man or in the right place. She's now 52 and childless.

It's never perfect. It just is. You have to just know that the best decision for you will just be 'the best decision at the time'. Whatever you do is life ever the life you imagined for yourself? It's just what is. Don't second guess yourself or regret. That way unhappiness lies.

I'd say in your 30s in Ireland, you won't be judged the way you think you will. I'm a few years younger than you but got pregnant before marriage. My mother is more catholic than the pope. I asked them not to judge me at the very start & that was that. All so excited for the baby. I've had no judgement from extended family or the hospital staff. I work as a teacher, probably one of the more conservative professions in Ireland & on the whole I don't think I felt judged at all. I'd say the only people we felt judged by were some of our friends who were probably more surprised than anything. I would have considered it a huge shame but that was all in my head. My partner and I are happy together though and are getting married if covid ever fecks off. Are u sure if it's generally a good relationship has it just got a bit stale and boring over lockdown? This has got to be the hardest time to be with someone, let alone be pregnant. You are stuck with them and their flaws constantly with few outlets for fun either together or apart.

I think you could be content with a little family with this man but maybe you're scared of commitment? You'be got what you wished for in a way but now are unsure? A decent man in his 30s in Ireland is like hens teeth. I lived abroad for a long time and there's a lot of lost souls, girls in their 30s from Ireland and england, chasing after some truly awful men that treat them badly. Are u sure the shine hasn't just come of your relationship? Is he a good man? All long term relationships go through peaks and troughs. Could you plan an activity together tonight or tomorrow? I know there's not much u can do with level 5 looming? Maybe make a fancy dinner together, go for a nice walk somewhere you used to go & just talk and see if there still is that spark there. This isn't a natural time we're living through at all. You could terminate & get rid of the man but then what? Will that make you happy? Or will you still be searching? It's scary, you sound so unsure and afraid.

Thank you all....I guess the word commitment definitely rings true for me, I seem to have real trouble with it and always think there’s more out there or I could be happier. He’s a good man for sure but not without his flaws, he treats me so well...but I seem to think I can find someone else out there with all of his good parts but less of his bad parts. Probably stupid I know...

I guess the overwhelming feeling is that it’s unfair to bring my first born into this world knowing that I am not giving them the solid family unit that every child deserves. I feel so guilty about that and that by having this baby I’m being totally selfish to my own needs only. I dunno, I just look at my young nieces and nephews and see how much the family unit means to them d as d how much they need both parents, ideally together and in a loving relationship and that’s what makes me feel so guilty to go ahead with having it

I think you might be in danger of over idealising "perfect" couples and families. Single parenting is not a walk in the park but it sounds as though even if you split the dad is a good guy and would be a reliable, hands on father. In my experience many married couples have their ups and downs and this is not necessarily always better. The rows and the difficulties behind closed doors that are not always visible to others can make things very tough for kids, it may be that what you perceive as perfect relationships are in some cases probably far from this. Being a single parent looking in on other couples raising kids has made me more aware of the fact that no relationship is perfect. Kids just need love and security in whatever form that takes. Whether that's from one parent, two together or two separated doesn't make much difference.

I'd suggest trying a different counsellor. Maybe call a few to see if they sound sensible and compatible with you.

Regarding the guilt, that is about others, not you. This is absolutely your life, not theirs. They get to have their opinions and make their choices, you get to have/make yours. Hopefully they will respect you for making your own decisions regardless of whether or not they approve.