(Sorry this was so long, hopefully someone has time to read).. So I hate that I even am writing this , but talking to my therapist , my partner, my family and my friends hasn’t helped me and maybe it’s because this decision is solely based on me but I figured I could use some external advice and experiences. Please try not to judge me although frankly .. I’m judging myself. I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and only have a few more weeks before the decision to terminate is no longer even a question. My partner and I began dating in an unconventional way. We were high school friends / sweethearts who lost contact for 9 years do to me being in a long term relationship. During a break from my previous relationship we reconnected and although he had a gifrlfriend we found ourselves falling for each other. He and his girlfriend didn’t last but I found myself bouncing back and forth between him and my long term boyfriend for 2 years before finally admitting my truths, moving out of my house that I loved with my boyfriend and temporarily moving in with my partner while I figured things out. 4 months into our relationship and I find out I’m pregnant. I never really asked him how he felt or wether we should keep the baby because I thought we were on the same page , which i now regret not doing. You see in the 4 months prior he had multiple conversations with me stating he wanted kids with me, when I complained about how the birth control made me feel he told me “You can get off the BC if you want because I wouldn’t mind having kids with you” he had once even asked are we trying because we were having unprotected sex and I stated “No I’m not trying but if it happens it happens and I’m not having an abortion”. I already had 1 abortion while I was cheating with him and my ex and it tore me to shreds, I never pictured myself doing that and because I had to hide it from my ex it put me in a deep depressive state and that’s when I started seeing a therapist. I honestly don’t know how I would handle a second abortion. The weeks keep flying by and in the beginning he barely spoke about it and only said a few times “I’m sorry if I’m acting more testy lately , I’m just stressed and I’m not ready for a kid yet”. I honestly took “I’m not ready” as in he just needed time and would take the steps to become ready .. not that he expected me to terminate. Until my 12th week where he exploded and told me “I didn’t care about him or his feelings and I just move for me and what I want. That we aren’t financially ready for a child or know enough about each other to bring a child into this world and we’re going to be stuck and struggling.” I do agree that I wish it happened later, i don’t even have a good relationship with his mother yet. But had I known he just wanted to have daily unprotected sex and leave it up to me to abort every time we became pregnant I wouldn’t have been having sex with him to begin with. I do agree that i wish i was more financially stable.. but I have a career, a rent a 4 bedroom house with a backyard and have enough space to raise a child, my mother was temporarily living with me until she retired in a year so really she’s offered to retire early and help with child care and her living with me will make things a lot easier. I may not have it all but I still feel like together we make enough to support this child and still reach our goals. My mother and sister have offered to watch the baby and even give me months off in the summer if I needed it to still be able to vacation and take breaks. I’m 27 years old and he’s 29, we’re not young children. But we do move freely, we are very spur of the moment and just in any random weekend will decide to go to Miami or on vacation. I’m sad to think that we may be tied down more and not have the opportunities to really enjoy each other before a child. I want to still adventure with him. And even tho a part of me thinks we can still do that just more planned out, I’m scared he won’t stay because this isn’t what he wants and he made it clear. He’ll probably get a childless girlfriend to adventure with spur of the moment while I’m stuck at home raising our son. I also wish I had more money saved up, i don’t have much to my name and right now my bills are high.. I still think I can make it work but I know it’s not ideal. With him I think we could save up for a house but without him, i feel like I will get stuck financially and that worries me. I battle in my head .. “is he right ? Is the timing just really bad? But how could I kill my own child that I’ve already started planning for? That my family is excited for? Just to have a baby a few years later? How is that fair? Why can’t we just figure life out with a baby together? But is it fair to bring a child into this world when the father doesn’t want him and I know financially I’m not ready just because he’s in there already? But how could I terminate so late in the pregnancy? What will I tell everyone? How will I feel? Will I dread looking at my friends children that would be his age? Will I dread June 6th every year? Will I resent my partner for not supporting me? If we don’t work anyway will I regret the termination more? Or will having this baby and having to do it alone cause me to resent my child or regret the decision to have him?” I know people say “yea u may have moments of thinking you should have waited but then you’ll look at your son and it’ll be worth it” .. I know that that’s true but right now I do have the choice to wait .. before
I have to silently regret the decision later. I dont know.. I feel shitty because if I had his support I probably wouldn’t be worried about half these things, but then I feel like less than a woman to even be so dependent on a man, like women raise children alone all the time. This whole thing has even given me suicidal thoughts which makes me feel like I’m not ready even more. I feel it’s a no win situation, either way I lose in someway. I’ve never been great at making decisions and here I face the hardest decision I have to make. I wish I spoke to him in the beginning, I wish I didn’t tell people so quick. But i can’t take those things back I can only move forward..