I’m so torn

[UsernameSpoosername]

Hi

I posted a few days ago. I don’t know what I’m hoping for here, advice & maybe someone who has been through it?

I have 2 children, 3 & 1 and I’m 5 weeks pregnant.

I don’t want another baby, I’m not sure I could cope with another baby.

But the emotional toll of having an abortion is just killing me. I’m not a crier - yet I have been weeping for days, I have this constant fuzzy/heavy head from it.

I feel so guilty. DP absolutely doesn’t want another baby, he has no emotions about it. It’s pretty clear cut for him.

I will struggle with 3 under 4.
I will struggle with an abortion.

I just do not know what to do. Has anyone felt completely conflicted but gone ahead with the abortion? How did you feel during/after/now?

I guess I just have to wait for my phone consultation, get my pills and see how I’m feeling?

Thank you...

Sorry no specific advice but sending you a handhold and a hug. It will be a tough choice but I think you need to ask yourself which you will regret most in the long run.

If you choose to abort then it may help to think of your current situation as being a late period rather than a potential baby. You may well have been in the same situation before and not have known ie had a chemical pregnancy where you are technically pregnant for a few days but then your period arrives. I had this once when TTC and to be honest I don’t think of it as a miscarriage; I was pregnant for only a matter of days. Maybe if you try to frame it like this it will help.

Sending you strength x

If you don't want another baby, why are you so conflicted? I don't mean that as an accusation but more: what is behind that?

I meant to say, if you did decide to go ahead then could you afford to throw money at all the difficulties of having three such young ones? Eg pay for a cleaner, full time nursery for the older two, or get a nanny etc? The answer to this would sway me a lot personally. I couldn’t cope with three very young ones at home with me all the time.

And yes I've had an abortion which I didn't really want (for very different reasons - I did want a baby but it wasn't the right time or circumstances). It was sad but I moved on.

Losing a very much wanted pregnancy in a 2nd trimester miscarriage was much harder.

Thank you @BabyGirlNumber2. No nanny or Cleaner I’m afraid 😂... eldest is at nursery 2 mornings a week, that’s it. But she starts school in September.

@Clymene I think it’s guilt. I know it’s really early but I am imagining who this baby would be, if it would look like my first or second child, or neither. I’m taking the chance of life away from it.

It would be a huge struggle, I just feel very, very guilty.

In your shoes, I would think ahead to how your life would be with or without another baby / child to deal with.
If the answer for you is don't go ahead and keep the pregnancy, don't.
I've deliberately kept it down to you, but I will tell you about my experience - it is very different to yours, but may help you to put things in perspective. Sorry in advance if it's not appropriate.
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, when my marriage was failing. As much as I wanted to keep the baby, I also knew that it wasn't fair to bring another life into the world when they would be probably a child of divorced parents who would be very much at conflict, with difficulties with current dcs brought into the mix also.
I chose to not go ahead with the pregnancy.
It was very difficult - I had infertility issues, so it totally went against all that I had strived for previously, but I knew it wasn't the right choice for me or for my current children.
It took me a long while to forgive myself for the decision I made, but it was right for me and my dcs.
I wish you the very best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

Thank you @mineofuselessinformation. I also had fertility issues, maybe this makes it even harder in some ways?

All I wanted was a baby, now I have been blessed with 2 healthy children. & now this. I feel so ungrateful, like the worst person ever.

Mine & DPs relationship is not good. He actually stayed at his parents for a week before I found out I was pregnant because we weren’t getting along.

But I keep thinking, separated parents is better than not existing at all isn’t it? I don’t mean to offend anyone, & I probably sound like a nutter.

Just hoping if I put these crazy thoughts out there someone might help me to rationalise them.

I think you need to think more about what is right for you as a family. What is better for your children, for you, for your husband? And for all your relationships with one another?

It was an accident and were lucky we live in a society where we don't have to go through with accidental and unwanted pregnancies

Sorry that was an unfortunate cross post. In your situation, I would definitely not go through with it.

Don't forget that your hormones mess with your head. Could you have counselling with bpas? I found that helpful.

It's such a hard situation to be in, I'm very sorry.

You will come to your own decision, in your own time.
Whatever you choose, it will be what is in your heart as the right thing did your own family.
Stay strong, and do what you want and need it get through the days and months ahead. (Un-mumsnettyhug.)

I will struggle with 3 under 4.
I will struggle with an abortion.

Existing children take priority over potential children. I can’t imagine any pleasant, sane person thinking otherwise. If you’re expressing that you don’t think you’d cope, then this is about the welfare of your two children and it’s serious. Be kind to yourself

Thank you both
Yes I will definitely be seeking some counselling through BPAS. Although I don’t even have my phone consultation until 30th December. Really annoying... I just want to get it over & done it really, try & get back to living.

Even if I don’t decide to terminate I feel like having that chat & having the pills in my hand will help me come to the right conclusion. The waiting is just torture.

Thank you @GroundAlmonds. Actually the only thing that makes me feel slightly less guilty about doing it, is thinking my girls lives might be better for it. I will hold on to that

I was in a similar situation to you.. I thought of my children and what would change...

I wasn't in a position financially or emotionally to have a third baby..

I don't regret my decision but I still grieve and think "what if?" But I know it was the right decision for my family as awful as it was for me personally.

Sending

Be kind to yourself OP and do what you think is right for you and your family. There are lots of things to consider. Would you manage financially with another DC? Is your current home big enough? Do your DC sleep through the night, or would you be getting up with 2 babies during the night? Do you want to be a single parent to 3 young children if things between you and your DP don't work out?

I fell pregnant with DC3 unexpectedly, and like you was torn. I decided to keep the baby only because I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion, not because I actually wanted another baby. I think I was well over 30 weeks before I even felt a bit of excitement. My other DC were 5yo and 15months when DC3 was born and my god it is hard work. None of them sleep through the night. I have really struggled recently with having little to no support. I don't know how I'd cope if DD wasn't such a good baby.

Everyone has their opinions on the matter but I think you need to make your decision independently from you DP. A relationship may or may not work irregardless of a pregnancy/child. I personally was in a similar situation where I found myself unexpectedly pregnant on birth control and DH was very clear he did not want to have another one. The logical and practical choice is usually to terminate but like you I felt like extremely conflicted and in the end, I did think the feeling of a termination hanging over my head for the rest of my life was not what I wanted and I had my baby. Choosing to carry on a pregnancy does not mean that you prioritise an unborn over your existing children, it is very much an emotional decision. It’s also a matter of personal beliefs. This is my opinion, Yes it might be more work, yes you worry about your existing children being worse off, getting less attention, money being tight but these are things you can work around, change and manipulate. Once you terminate , it’s done. Unfortunately no one can tell you how you will feel after a termination and it’s easy to say oh if I was in your position I would do this and that. Doesn’t work out that way, you may be completely fine or you may have huge regrets and wish you could undo it. You just don’t know. My children are close in age and I have to say that i thought it a lot easier going from 2-3 than 1-2. Also if they are close together, they will come out of the baby / toddler phase in one go, go to school together and just have a great bond. This is my experience. No one can make the decision for you, it’s yours and yours alone. Best advice I think is to properly think things through and to give yourself enough time. All the best.

Thanks all for your on going support it really means so much.

We rent a 2 bed currently, we could afford to rent a 3 bed. We’d be a bit worse off obviously but not enough to severely impact our lifestyle. We would need a bigger car, but we can afford that too.

Otherwise, babies don’t need to cost to much ay? Maybe in 10 years time... but I can’t get 10 days ahead right now so probably best not to go there!

All those things are workable. I am most worried about coping myself & my existing children suffering.

I recently had a termination. I was very very torn on what to do. We have 3 children and 2 under 3 as it is....I ended up terminating mainly due to health reasons (I have bad pregnancies and births and had been advised another could be risky- however they were happy for me to carry on in the pregnancy but I’d be high risk), we did look at other reasons....financially we would of managed but nursery fees would of been a lot, we’d need a bigger house and car and my current children would have to miss out on things they do now and possibly not get as much in the future, Covid also worried me and finally I struggle with the 3 young children I already have sometimes with no help so to add another I was worried how we’d cope. Despite all this I really wanted the baby as I always envisioned myself with 4 but I wouldn’t have chosen it this soon...maybe in a few years when the others were less demanding of my time. After a couple of weeks going back and forth and worrying I terminated...physically it was fine, emotionally I did struggle for a 3/4 weeks grieving and coming to terms with what I’d done. However I can say I am ok about it all now the hormones have gone and I’m 5 weeks down the line....I’m sad it happened and regret that I got myself into that position. I am still torn whether it was the right decision but more of the “what ifs”....I feel it was 100% the right thing for my family but for myself I am more 50/50 as i did want the baby and didn’t want to have a termination but at the time I was so very anxious about having the baby. In my heart I would of liked to keep it but my head won in this instance and I just thought I can’t regret putting my current children first. Feel free to message me if you want any other details. Xx

Also something someone said to me on this group helped me when I was feeling so torn and trying to desperately to decide what was the “right” thing to do...”sometimes there is no right, just 2 wrongs”...it doesn’t help you decide which option to take but maybe helps to not put so much pressure on yourself to find what is “right”. Xx

@Mummyto3GBG thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I read of your circumstances on another thread actually. I’m really sorry you were put in that situation, I’m glad you’re managing to come to terms with it now though. That’s what I am hoping for myself, so it gives me strength to know it’s possible.

That is an excellent way of putting it, there is definitely no right decision. Thank you for that

@UsernameSpoosername

Thanks all for your on going support it really means so much.

We rent a 2 bed currently, we could afford to rent a 3 bed. We’d be a bit worse off obviously but not enough to severely impact our lifestyle. We would need a bigger car, but we can afford that too.

Otherwise, babies don’t need to cost to much ay? Maybe in 10 years time... but I can’t get 10 days ahead right now so probably best not to go there!

All those things are workable. I am most worried about coping myself & my existing children suffering.

You will cope because we do, we have to! They would obviously enjoy having a sibling. From your posts it comes across to me that you would like to keep it you just need some reassurance. I don’t think anyone can answer how you will feel afterwards, they say most feel relief but I guess those are the ones that are 100% certain

You have to make your own mind about this, Spooner. Nobody can give you advice - we could be wrong.

Unless you have a lot of help at home you definitely will struggle with another baby; I do not understand why you would struggle with an early abortion.

All I can say is, whatever you decide, make sure you don't become pregnant again.