Pregnant with 3rd child dont know what to do

[UsernameSpoosername]

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant with my 3rd child & don’t know what to do. It would be 3 under 4 which will be such hard work.

Practically & logically it makes absolutely no sense to have another baby, at all. Plus, we don’t actually want one.

But when I think about the alternative I feel so guilty.

I’m worried I’ll have an abortion and feel regret and guilt forever.
I’m also worried I’ll have the baby & struggle and hate our lives.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here? Experiences?

Thank you.

You will cope. I didn’t find 3 much harder than 2.

And get your contraception sorted out or you’ll be back on asking how to cope with 4 !!!

That’s a tough position for you be in, sorry. I guess I’d say that it will be undeniably hard early on but you will get through it. So you need to think ahead to whether the bigger family is something you and your husband can see yourself with and enjoying in the long term and how it fits with other plans and ambitions you may have. If you can then the next question is whether you think you have the mental and physical stamina to make it through the early years. Because it will be tiring and testing on your relationship etc. I have two friends who had an unexpected third. They said it is hard not to feel some resentment and sense of ‘what have we done?’ in the early hours of a morning when you are up with them or when things feel a struggle. But neither of them would say they wish they weren’t here. I have three by choice and love it if that helps. Good luck with your decision.

If you don't want a baby I wouldn't go ahead with it. Better having a termination than bringing a life into this world that isn't wanted and might cause the rest of the family to be unhappy.

You won’t ever regret having a baby - it’ll be hard work and you’ll fell like it was a mistake in the early days but as they grow up they bring so much joy and they’ll all be close growing up due to their ages. I wouldn’t have a termination if there was any doubt it would be the wrong decision!

@FippertyGibbett do you mind me asking the age gaps between children?

@Himawarigirl Thank you, really thank you, thank you for being so kind to me when I probably don’t deserve it. What are the age gaps between your children if you don’t mind me asking?

I know we could get through it, I’m just not sure we’d want to, or if our 2 children now would suffer with a more stressed, less patient mum.

Eldest would start school 2 weeks after this one would be due, then a 2 year old sandwiched in the middle. I feel like the joy of everything the children achieve would be over shadowed by a 3rd child & me having to much to do and no time to give each one.

Sorry, rambling.

@Kittykat93.

@Matilda1981

Both of you make excellent points & basically my 2 main causes of conflict.

What will I regret more?

I have a slightly easier age gap I think, 2.5 years between the first two but then 4 between numbers 2 and 3. So that meant that my second started school shortly after the third was born and both the older ones are now normally in school (small matter of lockdowns aside!). It does leave the baby and I quieter days and now he is a bit older I really appreciate that time. And I appreciate not having to do the baby and toddler combo again. But even with those gaps, the issue of time for all of them is significant but we’re managing. My dh and I are a strong team. I can’t imagine doing this with a less involved partner. I also worried about being tired, stressed and therefore shouty horrible mum and all my kids suffering as a result but it hasn’t been too bad. And the upside is they adore their little brother and that has eased things a lot. There are quite a few threads in ‘larger families’ on whether to have a third or not with lots of people sharing their experience that you can take a look at, which might help. I know I read the internet on this subject when trying to decide whether to go for it ourselves, it’s a big decision!

P.s. I’d say having one at school at least will be good. They will hopefully be having a great time with only two at home during the day, which you know you can manage.

I'll preface this by saying I have no experience of this situation OP but I recognise a lot of what you say about how another baby would impact you and your family.

I just wanted to say if you don't want a third baby, then you may not automatically be full of regret if you choose not to have a third baby. If you decide that you do want a third, then I'm sure you'll be fine even if it's a few tough years when they're all young.

I think everyone finds different stages and ages hard so everyone's experience of 2/3 or the ages gaps will be different. Think about you and how you feel and what you want. I know it would be a test of endurance for me and that I'm not as good a mother when I feel that way.

How far along are you OP? I ask because if you are very early stages you have some time to really think things over, it's certainly not a decision to be rushed.

I chose to have three with little more gap than you. Eldest was four and a quarter when DC3 was born. Step up from 2 to 3 was so so much easier than 1 to 2. Had some childcare for middle child but that fell over when DC3 was 12 weeks so had them both at home while eldest in school.

DC3 had same problems feeding as others so I was combi feeding and pumping which was tiring, but overall has been an easier child - not because he is (he's two now and stubborn as anything) but because he has become independent earlier (feeding himself, self soothing, playing) because we're busier.

For us it has been a lovely family dynamic, especially as our eldest has some SEN issues. But it was planned and we have the resources

Thanks all your replies. I’m reading them all & they’re helping me get a clearer picture. I am 5 weeks.

So you have a while to really think this over OP and let's face it, this time of year is demanding on us parents at the best of times, let alone with the pandemic etc.

What does your DH/DP feel?

I have 2 DSs aged 7 and 9. Their dad left when they were 1&2. It was truly hard work but I got through it and the kids are relatively unscathed I now have a DD with 2nd DH and I never, ever thought I would have any more kids. I appreciate that there's a big age gap and my boys are at school so it's not exactly the same situation but wanted to tell you for context.

If I were to get pregnant again now, it would put a huge pressure on our finances, our lifestyle dynamic would change (kids each have a bedroom and space etc). I would seriously be questioning if I could do it too.

I think you should wait until after Christmas and new year to make any complete decisions. You have time right now. Your hormones will be changing and you may find that one way or the other that helps you and your partner make a firm decision.

Thank you @hashbrownsandwich yes I’m worried that the pandemic has made parenting 100x more intense so may be clouding my decision. I will definitely spend some time thinking & hopefully it will become less 50/50.

Not trying to sway you but I would say going from 2 to 3 was much easier than 1 to 2.

@hashbrownsandwich that’s interesting in what way did you find it easier? Knew what to expect more?

@Matilda1981

You won’t ever regret having a baby - it’ll be hard work and you’ll fell like it was a mistake in the early days but as they grow up they bring so much joy and they’ll all be close growing up due to their ages. I wouldn’t have a termination if there was any doubt it would be the wrong decision!

Well plenty of women do regret having a baby so pretty stupid comment to make.

They certainly do not always bring joy. Tell that to some of my friends with grown up children

I'll be honest, by the third people don't question you so much, they just think 'oh another one' but that's just my own experience. With the first one I remember feeling so pressured by everyone including midwives on what I should or shouldn't do. Third time round I was sure I wanted to formula feed, have an epidural if I felt like it at the time because there's no prizes for doing it naturally (I say this as the first two were quick labours with only a tiny bit of gas and air).
On a practical level, I also found by the third I know I am done so long term contraceptive options are now being considered (aka husband getting the snip).
Finding out you're pregnant is always a shock, I would imagine if it wasn't planned then of course you need time for the news to sink in and really decide.

I should also add on balance that obviously when I found out about the third, I was also thinking 'what if this child has additional needs and it destroys the dynamic I have with my sons?'. I think that sort of thing is fairly natural to worry about. What if I had complications and died? Would it be worth it?

Again I think it's all natural worries and while no one can guarantee, you'd be unlucky for things to be worse.

Don’t do it based on what others might think 3 isn’t that unusual

Think about your own circumstances can you afford another? Can you provide for 3? Can you house and transport 3? Impact on your career?

Personally I’m coming up for 40 and mine are 3 and 8 I would abort if pg with a third our family is complete and a third would lessen opportunities for my existing children I wouldn’t want them impacted detrimentally.

And you absolutely can regret having a/more children so don’t agree with pp

A bit different to you as we planned a third dc, but dc3 is almost 2 now and, for us, having three has been really good so far. In many ways it's easier as I'm just used to parenting small children and I know how quickly phases pass.
It's already more expensive for days out/holiday planning. You obviously need to think about space and money as well as how much you have to give emotionally to three children. The older two (6 and 4) absolutely love having dc3 around and dc2 often asks for another brother or sister! (Not happening!!). They do help out to a certain extent too.
If my coil failed and I accidentally got pregnant again, I'd certainly be swaying towards an abortion as I don't want four children. It's a completely valid choice and no-one would fault you for it.

Agree with @Figgygal think about the potential impact on your existing kids. Plus there is such a thing as a bad time to have a baby. I desperately wanted kids but had an abortion the first time round because it wasn't right, I wasn't in the right frame of mind, had had a very difficult year and felt very depressed. I thought I couldn't be the best mother to this child. It was the right decision at the time and I wasn't 100%! I now have an amazing 2.5 year old I utterly adore !

Did you keep the third x