So much grief, guilt, regret and sadness

[Mummyto3GBG]

I don’t know how to make myself better. I had a termination a week ago. I was so torn on what to do as I wanted the baby but in the end I panicked and went with a head over heart decision and did what I thought was best for everybody but me. I was scared for my health with another pregnancy after being told not to have anymore babies after my last baby and I was so worried about leaving my children without a mum that I felt I had to terminate even thought the consultant said everything was looking ok at that point and although the risks for me increase they would support me if I wanted to continue. I didn’t even consider how I would feel about terminating, I was just thinking about the potential complications with the pregnancy and my current children if I carried on 😢 Now the pregnancy anxiety has lifted I feel stupid to think I could die and that although the consultant told me there could of been complications and they wouldn’t know till later in the pregnancy, i feel like I probably would of been fine but I just chickened out in case things weren’t ok and now I feel selfish, guilty, sad and like an awful person and I feel like I’ve thrown away my last chance at having my 4th baby as I wouldn’t risk another pregnancy now for the same reasons and obviously the consultant wouldn’t advise me getting pregnant again because they had already not advised me before. Feel like that was my last chance and I blew it out of fear and I don’t even feel like I deserve another baby or to be happy again anyway. I see and hear of people who feel relief after a termination and don’t regret their decision as it was “the right thing to do” And they were 100% sure but I just feel sadness, regret, disgust with myself and selfishness. I want to be the best mum to my kids but I can’t seem to pull myself out of these thoughts 😞

I can’t

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It must have been such a hard decision for you. It sounds like an impossible situation and the fear you had at leaving your children without a mum or suffering complications were valid.

I felt the same after my termination, I never felt the relief that people talk about.
Do you have anyone to speak to in real life and can you access counselling? I wish I had accessed that sooner myself... there’s also a forum called PASS boards (you have to join to view) specifically for women struggling post termination. I found it reassuring just to know I wasn’t alone in how I felt.
xx

I can’t speak for all women but I think it is a lot harder if you’re unsure or torn about your decision. I think it’s somewhat emotional for all women but many feel very sure about their decision and feel relief. Maybe try and focus on yourself and your children. While you may always feel emotional about your termination, there’s nothing you can do now it’s done. I would consider counselling or some form of talking therapy and I think as with most things, it’ll get easier in time. From what I read in your previous posting you were still very early on and I think in the early stages of pregnancy, you should see it as a potential baby. You had legitimate concerns about your health, don’t feel bad about that. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks both, I feel like I panicked as I felt i needed to make a decision fast and even though I wanted the baby in the end my anxieties got to much and I just did what I thought was best for the rest of the family without even thinking about myself or what I wanted or how I’d feel afterwards about terminating the pregnancy.

I have a counselling session over the phone today but I’m not really holding out much hope of it helping much. I feel like I’m never going to get over this and that I’ll never be the same person again 😔

I remember your previous posts @Mummyto3GBG, and I really feel for you. You were in an impossible situation and had to make a really hard decision. It’s so difficult dealing with ‘possible’ outcomes and not definite ones. I hope the counselling helps you talk through all your feelings and reach some kind of peace

Thanks @Sunbird24 it was exactly that, I was so anxious and they couldn’t tell me everything would be fine and I just kept thinking about how they’d advised me not to get pregnant again and the risks that I just felt like I had to take the safest option for my kids....but now I feel like a horrible person for putting my health and my current children first when everything could of been absolutely fine 😔

I’m hoping the counselling helps me find a way to accept what I’ve done and move forward somehow from here. I’ve always been very prochoice, I just never saw it as a choice I would feel I would ever need to make myself 😔 (I’m sure most women are the same in this though)...my first daughter wasn’t planned and terminating didn’t even cross my mind but I guess everyone’s circumstances are different and with each pregnancy x

I’m so sorry OP, I went through with my termination because I wanted the situation to be over with and was under a lot of pressure, I didn’t anticipate the emotional fallout afterwards and honestly it has taken a long time to process and to feel some kind of peace with, though I do feel sad and wonder about all the what ifs still many years on. It did change me as a person but it didn’t destroy me. I do really think counselling and working through all the complex feelings around it can really help.

It’s so difficult and it feels like such a private form of grief which makes it harder as no one knows the private torment you’re going through. Keep posting on here xx

OP, I just want to send you virtual hugs. I am in exactly the same situation but not in the UK. Next week I have the appointment to terminate. My complex medical issues are treatment for epilepsy with Vimpat, an operated meningioma, a past severe pre-eclampsia and DD born at 29 weeks. Ok, but later diagnosed with autism, I always felt us two just doged a bullet, I am phisically sick if we have to visit the hospital for one reason or another. I am also 42 and just found out and my first instinct was to call and see how to terminate. Also Catholic country so health insurence doesn't cover it, at least not yet, as I am still OK (5 weeks) . We are not dirt poor but we manage on one income. It is 600 euros. My daughter is the center of my life, until she is minimaly verbal, we are struggling with what is special kindergarten here, I have yet to see any meaningful therapy for her. So, my decision is not to tell anyone and just go through it, DH would say I should decide and be forever upset.
Naturally, my first choice just gave way to many questions. There are many medical reasons to go through with the termination, I dread the afterwards. I am already reading so many medical options, but all are negative as to my outlook. No, you were not selfish, it was the best decision. I just want to hug you and reassure you and myself that the head reasoning is always the best.