Unplanned 4th. Riddled with guilt. To keep or to terminate

[Optimisticmumofthree]

Hello,

Let me start by saying I have beautiful girls 6yrs, 4yrs, 1yr and over the years any worries, problems and questions I’ve had Mumsnet is my first stop.

I’ve scoured the internet looking for anything to relate and tried to educate myself, I now feel the need to post a question here.

I have 3 daughters and I’m 4 weeks pregnant with an unplanned 4th. We live in a 3 bedroom house with 2 good sized rooms, 1 quite small bedroom. My oldest girls (6 and 4) share a room, baby (1) is in the small room. There really wouldn’t be much room for another baby here, not in the long run.

We are already planning to move house but we are not in a position, moneywise for this to happen. A few more years... My husband has a great job, we have been lucky through Covid and he can work from home in a downstairs garage conversion (mostly the reason we are now in debt is due to converting garage)

That’s a bit of history - now for the problem. I don’t know if having a 4th will be a good idea. I also don’t know if I can have an abortion. I’m pro choice, I just don’t know if I will regret and feel guilty having an abortion in years to come. On the other hand I’m feeling guilty for thinking about keeping baby. I don’t want my girls to survive, I want them to thrive. We are already stretched money wise, space wise and energy wise.

I’m a stay at home mum, I would have been looking a going back to work once two youngest are in school and nursery. This unplanned baby will obviously set us back a few years. We had just started to see the glimpse of the future, having some husband and wife time (which got us in this problem in the first place!) I did take emergency contraceptive the morning after but it was too late.

I know I am the only one who can answer, but any positive unplanned baby stories, any positive pro choice stories... positive is not the right word, as it’s a sad situation to be in but I hope you understand my meaning. I wish I wasn’t in this position but there is no going back. I have two routes to go down. Any help to come to a decision would be great.

Sorry it’s so long. Just to add my husband is supportive either way. He said we can make it work but also that we have a great life why rock the boat.

What does your gut tell you? From your OP I get the impression you might struggle with an abortion? I am sure which ever route you go down will work out. There is no wrong answer. Can you access any professional counseling to help you unpick how you feel?

There's definitely no right answer here I'm afraid I had a termination when I felt the time wasn't right for me, then went onto have a daughter two years later. I guess whatever option you chose there will be what if's but if you have your husband's support then you can get through whichever option you choose. Good luck

Oh, I am sorry OP. It's such a tough call. I think you ought to write down a list of pros and cons to each option and try and pick the least worst option.

I had an abortion nearly 2 years ago. I never thought I would and having had 3 kids before, part of me thought one more would be ok (and it would have) but we had exactly the same issues. Youngest was 6 and we were getting some freedom, we had plans to do holidays and theme parks and things that a baby wouldn’t allow us to do. I had only just got my foot back in the door properly with work and could see some me time, our house was also 3 beds but one box room so not really big enough and unable to move until I had become more settled at work. Add to that the cost of more childcare and there were lots of negatives. I found out at 4 weeks and it took me until 9 weeks and 6 days (and two cancellations at the abortion clinic) to go through with an abortion.

Yes we could have managed but like you, I wanted my other children to have a life and not just get by. We were already stretched somewhat in terms of time and this would have been even harder with a newborn and harder on our relationship too.

I’m not going to lie and say it was easy. I have never cried so much and once I’d taken the pill, I was convinced I’d made a terrible decision but it did get easier. We’re two years on now and I feel it was definitely the right decision for us and although I occasionally wonder ‘what if’, we are all ok and happy x

If I told you the decision has been made what would you say?

This was me a couple of years ago - had a 7, 5 and 1 year old, then unexpected pregnancy. It was awful. DH had been on the fence about having a third, but we went for it and then had a very clingy, sleep-avoidant baby so he was very much of the opinion that we should terminate. We'd just got DC3 sleeping through, I was starting to think about going back to work, life was starting to get a little easier.

I could see all of that and completely understood his point of view, but I just couldn't do it. I tried to push through those feelings, I went for an appointment at a clinic and even booked in to go back for a termination. But I couldn't stop crying. I felt devastated at the thought of it. In the end, DH told me that he could see that he could come to terms with the idea of a fourth child but I might never come to terms with having a termination. So we went ahead.

DC4 is almost 2 now and I'm grateful every day that he's here. But that doesn't mean it's been easy, he was another poor sleeper and very clingy with me. I carry a lot of guilt around with me when we can't do something with the older DC because he's here, or when he takes up all my time (although that's getting better as he gets older). It also put my plans to go back to work on hold, so all our future plans have been pushed back by a few years. But DH adores him, as do the other DC.

I'm trying to give you a balanced view here as obviously I made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy and I don't regret it, but it absolutely has made some aspects of our life a lot harder and it did test my marriage because there was that time when we wanted the complete opposite. I never felt that I could share the joy and excitement of the pregnancy with him because I felt like I'd coerced him into it (he never ever indicated that and always said that whatever decision we made, we'd move forward without resentment, that was my guilt).

On the plus side, I can start to see now having 4 might work better than 3 in some ways. Our 2 older DC are close and DC3 was always tagging along after them. Now, as DC4 gets older and is able to play more, I can see the relationship between him and DC3 coming along and they might end up in their own little pair. Time will tell.

Good luck, whatever you decide, I know how difficult a decision it is.

Having aborted my unplanned 4th whilst not fully sure it was the right decision for me, and then ironically suffering a load of abortion-related medical issues that I hadn't been forewarned about (which led to more blood tests and anxiety than if I had been pregnant), I would say, hand on heart, unless you are completely at peace with the idea of aborting, then there will be a strong element of guilt, sadness, mental health turbulence, looking at your 3 kids and 'seeing' the 4th there too (and this happens at random times), wondering 'what if', questioning if you made the right choice repeatedly, thinking you would have coped actually and why did you make such a big deal out of the practical issues, and generally driving yourself mad with these circular unhealthy thought patterns. But, if you are convinced and feel comfortable before you go in, then it is absolutely the right thing for you to do and you will be fine.

Name change for this. I was in a similar situation but with two children and a third unplanned pregnancy. Complete surprise (I was on the pill). We lived in a two bed tiny house, with not much room for a third, finance issues and I was completely at a loss. In the end I chose to terminate (at 6 weeks) because I had two bad pregnancies and didn't want my children to suffer whilst I was pregnant. We had completed our family and I was ready to think about going back to work. DH was supportive either way so that helped a lot. I went through with the termination and I dont regret it. My youngest still doesn't sleep through and is very needy. I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a third but I know it was for the best. I made lists and pictured my future in both scenarios. Good luck and there is no right or wrong choice. Do what is best for you and your family.

Hello, thanks again for all the replies offering help and support. Hearing from both sides has really helped me with my decision to end the pregnancy.

It’s been the longest two weeks and myself and my husband had been going round in circles... Let’s go for the forth. Wait, that’s crazy we don’t have the energy, space or money. Ok. But we can do anything we put our mind to. Yes, of course we can. We will survive! Yep. But do we just want to survive? Do I want to be pregnant again. Do we actually want another child?

After calling the health clinic and booking a time to collect medication, myself and my husband went, got the pills for a medical abortion. Then we both cried in the car, in floods of tears. Surely it meant it was a big mistake. So there and then we decided we would continue with pregnancy. We had already driven halfway home, so I had planned to take the pills back after we got back from a trip away with our kids for the school holidays.

We sat with the decision of keeping pregnancy for a week and it was the best thing I could have done because there was no pressure to make a decision. I had time to think about all the things I really wanted. Make plans. I was still waiting for the big excited feeling of having a baby. It didn’t come. Just dread, guilt, stress, and quite frankly unhappiness. I mentioned this to my husband and we both felt the same. We said we would sleep on it and have a talk about abortion again. I hadn’t slept for a week after deciding to keep going with pregnancy and the night we had another chat, after being honest with myself and husband, I slept so soundly.

On Wednesday I took the Mifepristone tablet and Friday the 6 other tablets to end the pregnancy. It’s now Sunday and I feel nothing but relief emotionally. The cramping wasn’t so bad for myself, I definitely needed all the painkillers and stayed in bed for the day but it wasn’t so bad. I mostly slept and watched David Attenborough.

I have three beautiful, healthy, amazing children and I want to spend all my time with them. I chose to have them and I was beyond excited to meet each of them. There was never any doubt about them.

Our lives would have been changed forever all because of a stupid condom split. I took the power back. If I decide I want four kids, it will be my choice. Thank god we have the NHS and the right to choose.

This was my experience. It’s not the same for everyone. I wanted to come back and write my experience. The beat thing you can do is really research and educate yourself. Be honest with your feelings. We could of had four kids and we could have been absolutely dandy. We just didn’t want to do it.

To anyone making the decision, it’s so rubbish. No one wants to be in that situation but so many have been. You are not alone. I want to send you some big love and courage and a massive virtual hug x

Well done OP, that's a powerful post you have written and I'm sure you will look ahead with relief now.

@Mythreeknights would it be alright if I PM you? The feelings you were describing were so similar to mine.
OP, I'm glad you were able to come with a decision and that you had your husband's support all along.