So confused

[VHarvey79]

Hello. I'm so mixed up . I am 5 weeks pregnant and we have decided to have an abortion. I was horrified when I saw the positive pregnancy test and would have gladly taken an abortion pill straight away. I've decided to have a surgical abortion which means I have to wait, which has given me time to think. Can someone tell me if they agree that an abortion is the right decision? I'll keep this as short as possible.

My son is 4.5 and an IVF baby. I had an horrendous pregnancy with 24 hour nausea and SPD from 20 weeks. Had to have a csection and suffered from PND for year.

I then fell pregnant with my daughter who is now 2.5. Again, I had an horrendous pregnancy with 24 hour nausea, SPD from 16 weeks and depression as I felt guilty for ruining my little boy's life. My husband had to take 3 months off of work for the last three months of my pregnancy due to me being unable to walk or care properly for my son. He is self employed so he wasn't paid. I had to have a csection again after a failed VBAC. I suffered a lot of pain from the csection and had bad PND for two years. My parents, sister and my husband had to take 4 months off of work between them to try to help me. I know I am pathetic.

I have rhesus negative blood and should have had an injection after my daughter was born to stop my body making anti bodies towards any other pregnancies. I refused this injection as I was adamant I did not want any more children. This could mean, if I were to continue with the pregnancy, my baby might need a blood transfusion when born, or even several while I am still pregnant.

I feel so guilty. I just can't bare to think about killing my baby but I don't know how I could survive another pregnancy while looking after my two children. Nor how I'd cope after the baby is born. I can't expect everyone to drop everything again.

I feel so confused x

I am quite anti-abortion (Catholic, religious etc) but even I can see why you would want to and certainly wouldn’t judge you for making that decision. Ultimately you have to do what you feel is best for you. I deliberately say you and not your whole family. There are a lot of conflicting thoughts and you may even be thinking the head thinks one thing but the heart thinks another. Do you think you’d have support either way? What does your husband think? Have you spoken to him? What kind of mental health help did you get professionally in previous pregnancies? Also you are not pathetic!

@louiseTrees Thank you for replying. My husband does not want this baby but he would support me if I wanted to keep it. I think it'd be the end of our marriage though. He doesn't help with babies. Both of my children woke up every hour at night until they turned two. My husband didn't help at all as he said it was my fault for breastfeeding. If that were to happen again, I'd have to leave him. I resent him for it.

I had a few counselling sessions for my depression but it didn't help. As soon as I started sleeping, I felt more or less back to normal.

You ask 'Can someone tell me if they agree that an abortion is the right decision?'

Only you can decide what is right for you.
It sounds like you have really been through it with your first 2 pregnancies, so I totally understand why this is a consideration for you.

You say your husband doesn't want this baby.
Do you?
I'm sure regardless of reasons, a termination must still be a struggle emotionally even when it is the right decision.
Can you live with the decision? Will your husband be there if you need him?

I wish you the best in coming to your decision. Be kind to yourself and do what is best for you and the family you have.
No one else matters, and no one should judge.xx

What are your feelings on formula feeding or breastfeeding but only via a bottle expression technique ? If you did that would your husband wake up and help? I just want to hug you. Of course all these things are your right and your decision not his. You say the sessions didn’t help but was it perhaps because you weren’t getting to the root of the issue, which was probably you’d lost your sense of self and felt that everyone else just saw you as a mother. You weren’t a rubbish one by the way, or however you phrased it in your original post. To have PND and still breastfeed for that long, I don’t know how you did it! We’re here for you and I’m happy to be inboxed if you need a further chat.

It sounds like you have been through a lot in the last few years, you are not pathetic and have coped with more than your fair share! I think you need to put your mental health first if that means a termination then so be it, you have nothing to feel guilty about at all

@VHarvey79 it’s you that will have to make the final decision because you will have to go through the procedure, attend all the appointments and live with it. I’m not trying to sway you one way or the other. It sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with with.
You are very early on in your pregnancy, my opinion may conflict with others but right now you should maybe see it as the possibility of a baby rather than a fully developed child. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and termination to me felt very wrong but my partner was absolutely adamant it was the best choice. I found myself stalling and couldn’t bear the thought of going through a medical at home. I thought if I were to do this I would go for a surgical. So I waited and the more I thought about it the harder it was to convince myself to terminate. Not to say you shouldn’t carefully consider your options but the longer you wait the more attached you will become and it will get harder and harder. I think with your husband not helping out you need to take him out of the equation and consider what YOU would be able to cope with. Not every pregnancy is the same so you may or may not struggle with your health and mental again again this time around. Would you cope by yourself? Would you accept that your relationship may crumble? On the other hand, you said your initial reaction to the pregnancy was termination. So if you went ahead and had an abortion you may feel guilt and sadness but perhaps realise it was the right decision to make.