Hi,
I’m 32, 6 weeks pregnant and single. I know nobody here can tell me what to do, but I just need some sort of sounding board.
I’ve craved a family for my whole life and always wanted children. I had one long-term relationship which wasn’t the best and ended in my early 20’s, and I’ve had unsuccessful short-term relationships ever since. At 32 I can hear my biological clock ticking and I was previously diagnosed with a medical condition and told it would be “near impossible” for me to conceive naturally.
In July I started dating a man and things were initially going well. He said he came from a big family and really wanted children himself. When we first went to have sex it was clear he didn’t have any condoms. I told him I wasn’t on the pill and that due to medical issues condoms are the only real method of BC for me and a partner. He didn’t seem that bothered and came inside me, and this was an ongoing feature of our very short relationship. We both had had recent STI tests and I was making sure I was only having sex outside of my predicted fertile window so I thought we’d be safe; especially with “you’ll probably never conceive naturally” ringing in my ears. That said, I always thought in my head that if I did get pregnant under these circumstances, I would keep it.
Fast forward a few weeks. I start to doubt dating this man. He makes a few underhand comments about what I’m wearing and a few other things here and there that make me think he’s got a controlling streak. I wonder if he was actually trying to get me pregnant on purpose too. He then basically ghosts me, and when I challenge him, he said he’s not ready for a relationship yet as he’s struggling with his mental health.
I did a pregnancy test a few days later to rule it out, but got a BFP. I literally felt the most shocked I’d ever felt. It was half excitement and half horror I suppose. I didn’t know how to feel and have only confided in one friend. I haven’t told the dad as I’m worried about his reaction as he’s quite unpredictable.
I’ve known for two weeks now, in which time my head has swung back and forth between keeping the baby and having a termination. I actually have a termination appointment booked but I’ve still got a few days to decide what I’m actually going to do. I feel like my head says abortion but my heart says keep, and I get more attached as each day goes by and I have more symptoms.
I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want to have to do this without a partner. I don’t know if I’m resilient enough to cope with the questions from people and the stigma. I don’t want to potentially lose my life; my dating life, social life, etc for a very long time. I also don’t want the possibility of him wanting to be involved when I think he could be quite dangerous, but would have to tell him if I was keeping it.
On the other hand, I may never get pregnant again. I’ve got supportive family and friends and my own house and decent job. I would kick myself if in 10 years I’m childless/cant have my own biological child. (But now I know I can get pregnant, surely I can in the future....!?) And for all I know, the dad may want to be involved in the child’s life and may actually be good at it, for all I know. I’ve just got a gut feeling somethings off about him.
Any thoughts anyone? 