Unplanned 4th pregnancy

[MAC000]

Hi ladies, sorry this could be a long post.. I have spent many hours reading through the posts on this forum and I am so upset I am in this situation. I hate myself.

I am just over 6 weeks pregnant with an unplanned 4th pregnancy.
My youngest has just turned 9 months old, he was born on xmas eve 2019, he was 5 weeks early and a breech vaginal birth which was completely unexpected. He turned xmas 2019 upside down, we spent 6 days in hospital and at the time at home we were having a huge downstairs extention built so when I came home with my precious new baby I had no kitchen, no running water downstairs and basically was living in a building site, I think I definitely struggled with PND, I never told anyone but my husband, and I didnt seek help but I know I totally should of. I love my youngest son like I do my others, but I also know something is definitley different. I still dont think my PND has fully gone and how this unexpected pregnancy has really knocked me.

The youngest doesnt sleep, hes an awful sleeper, walks every few hours, I feel like the walking dead most days, hubby is amazing but is out the house 13 hours a day at work.. my mat leave is due to finish next month, but the company I work for are making thousands redundant (I work for a big utility company and have done for 16 years since leaving school) so I have applied for voluntary redundancy. Which its likely I will get.

I started college again last week to resit my maths GCSE, and then next sept my plan was to do an access course in social care. This pregnancy just turns everyone upside down, we dont have room at home for a 4th baby, I'll be stuck at home with 2 children under 2.. I wont work while am studying, and finances scare the life out of me. Hubby is a site manager for a construction firm and earns 40k a year, and he would be paying all the bills but we wouldnt get any help, and where would the baby go while I went to college/uni. It just wont work..

The hardest part for me is that my hubby doesnt want me to terminate, he says we will "get by" and will "manage" he always wanted a big family.. hes an amazing husband and dad, but hes away from home so much with his job.. the last few nights hes even slept in the babies room and got up with him because he thinks if I sleep better this will change my mind. I am scared he will hate me if I did terminate..

I know no-one can make this decision for me, but it feels better typing it and knowing I am not alone.

Has anyone had a 4th baby and made it work when circumstances have been difficult? Sorry it's been a long post and if you've got this far, thank you for reading. X

I don’t really have any advice OP but I didn’t want to read and run.

It sounds like you’ve been through so much in the last year and I’m sure lots of people will be along shortly with some very useful advice.

Honestly, I think your husband has a nerve telling you to continue when you are the one doing everything at home and you are still suffering from PND.

If you continue it will be so tough on you, physically and mentally. 4 children is a LOT of work.

Personally I think it's a no brainier and you should terminate. Your husband should not be pressuring you here. You are thinking rationally, he isn't.

I think it's harsh to say her husband has a "nerve" or is pressuring the OP. It might be her body buts he's 50% responsible for making it.

For what it's worth the circumstances don't sound ideal. I don't have 4 children although am pregnant with twins (nr 2&3) - I know life will be much harder when they are here but for us it's a couple of years of hardship vs the long term joy of having a larger family

Yes he played his part in creating it. But she is the one who has to go through another pregnancy, possibly traumatic birth, then the lions share of the care (with another baby in tow), loses out on retraining/careers opportunities etc.

The ramifications for her are huge, not so much for him. But more importantly she has told the husband all of this and it sounds like he's completely dismissed her!

Hi OP. I have no advice, just wanted to say that I am also very unexpectedly pregnant with a 4th in absolutely awful circumstances. I went back and forth whether to terminate or not for weeks, I even got the pills but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m beating myself up constantly for being weak and selfish in not doing the sensible and best thing for everyone. But I just couldnt do it. I know the emotional fallout for me would be huge and ultimately I couldn’t live with it.
It feels so sad to be pregnant and wishing I wasn’t though.

Anyway it sounds like you know what’s right for you and as other posters have said it’s you who will carry the burden of the pregnancy and childcare, possibly suffering with PND again. Best of luck with whatever you decide x

Thank you all for your replies.

I am new on here and not sure how to reply to individual comments, and not sure if you get notifications when people reply? But I don't?

I should of said hubby really doesnt want me to terminate, but he did say he will also do what I think is best for the family, but since that comment hasn't said anything else, other than positive things on how it can work.

I wish I wasnt in this situation, because yes I probably would cope with another baby, but it's not what I want right now, due to finances, career and just general life. I think I could have a termination, but I just dont want to live with the regret. The selfish side of me says things are good at the moment, we have nice things, nice holidays, and let's say we wanted a weekend away on our own, family would help.. but I just cant see that being the case having 4, especially 2 under 2! X

I really feel for you OP, and am so sorry you’re going through all of this. You paint a picture of a husband who is generally supportive and loving. If you are really open about how you are feeling and also how worried you are that a decision to stop the pregnancy will affect your relationship, it seems that heroics reassure you, hopefully? It’s a sad situation for you, but one that millions of women have been in, so please don’t feel bad. Concentrating on your health so you can look after your existing children sounds really sensible. Xxx

He will, not ‘heroics’

Not in your situation at all. Yours sounds much harder OP, but I am currently pregnant with my third. After years of really wanting a third we decided to stick at 2, then I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. I found out because I was already so ill. I really struggled with what to do about this pregnancy. We really don't have room (2 kids already, 2 bed house), we are both self employed and for obvious reasons haven't been able to save as much as I would have liked for taking time off. I also really struggled with pnd with my last baby and never told anyone. I made the decision to keep this baby and in all honesty I still don't know if that was the right decision. I'm 23 weeks now and can't feel any excitement at all. I'm really scared in all honesty. Like you everything with the kids is left up to me and I'm still really ill, knackered and by the end of the day can hardly walk.
I really don't feel good about it all, and that's just not the way it should be.

The reason I didn't terminate was because I didn't know if I could like with the regret, and I know I would have eventually regretted it. I will say though, if I ever found myself pregnant again, I think I would have to terminate. I don't think I could put myself through this again.

@eyestotheskies thank you for your reply, it's awful isn't it, but like you I know if I continue I wont feel much joy throughout this pregnancy.. but that's not to say I wouldn't love my baby when it was born, because I totally would do. like I am sure you will aswell, its just so much pressure and something I never imagined (4 kids) but I am still never much torn, even though when writing it down the odds are against having another, something inside is niggling me.. Ive already known 2 weeks and it's unfair on my whole family to not make a decision very soon. I am 1 of 4 siblings, it was so much fun growing up am sure your home will be of chaos and love, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xx

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion isn't it strange that we toy with the idea of another baby and then when it happens we're the complete opposite... I think its just the unknown.. we had spoke about a 4th (mostly hubby) and it wasnt something I had considered as youngest is still a baby. I understand how shattered you must be, its draining looking after children and being pregnant isnt it, even more so when the pregnancy is a shock, but us women are made of strong stuff.. and when your baby arrives you will know you made the right decision and baby will be showered with love, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xx

@MAC000 Thank you. I hope whatever decision you make, its the right one for you. Good luck.

I'm the opposite to glasscase. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a 3rd 4 months ago. I was excited/scared, my husband totally shut down like it was the worst thing ever. I terminated at 5 weeks as it seemed like the sensible thing to do for my family. I bitterly regret it and have since convinced my husband grudgingly to try for 3rd.

The impact of the termination on how I feel about him has been significant. I am not sure I will ever love him like I did before all of this. Its all a big mess.

I wanted to share it with you glasscase as the regret and sadness I feel is overwhelming, so I would say you made the right decision. I hope you start to feel more excitement about your baby. I wish I had made the same choice as you. I guess I would be at a similar gestation to you.

I wish you luck with your decision OP

Please ignore the above poster and her links to shonky american anti-abortion propaganda.
Shame on you pcar. Reported