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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Feeling coerced into an abortion

14 replies

Cgerdes · 27/09/2020 10:25

Hi,

I'm 35 and nearly 6weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. My husband had a vasectomy and we found out 4 days after his procedure that I was pregnant. We have 2 children already 7 and 10. I do not carry well and suffer with spd. I ended up on crutches with my 2nd. We are financially in a better position than we ever have been and own our home with a mortgage. We have no debts.
My husband is not happy about the pregnancy and wants me to terminate. His family and my dad are saying the same thing. My mum I believe is on the side of continuing the pregnancy. His parents do alot of childcare (friday nights and some saturday mornings) so we can work and have already said they will not be able to look after a baby again. My 2nd was born with a clubfoot and everyone is asking how I will cope if this child has the same or worse. I am on alot of medication (most of which I have stopped under supervision) which they are concerned about also. My mental health when i had my other two was not great and i still have periods where i am down and my husband has to pick up the slack. He says he will not cope and it will be like looking after 4 children. All of these issues were a factor in my other 2 pregnancies but no one questioned whether I should keep them or not and how that they dont feel it is right to have a 3rd this is what is being used against me. I understand their logic but emotionally I want this baby and don't know if I can go through with a termination. I feel very pressured into doing something I don't want to in order to keep everyone else happy.

OP posts:

FourPlasticRings · 27/09/2020 10:27

Ultimately, it's not them that will have to deal with the emotional fallout of an abortion and no one but you has a say in what happens in your uterus. Tell them abortion is off the table and you'll be using a day nursery for Baby#3.

JaJaDingDong · 27/09/2020 10:31

Does everyone else make a valid point?
I'm generally anti abortion, but not always.

Sedregc · 27/09/2020 10:33

I can understand their logic but in all honesty I feel both I as an individual and we as a couple are in a better place than we were before having the other 2.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 27/09/2020 10:40

@Sedregc

I can understand their logic but in all honesty I feel both I as an individual and we as a couple are in a better place than we were before having the other 2.

The issue is now they know all the things that can go wrong and the struggle involved for all of you ,because of what happened to the other 2. Not just that but there are two children already here and they'll be worried about how this will affect them, rather than a baby that's not quite real to them yet.

The one you need to get on board is your husband. Explain to him why you are in a better position now,how things are different. Tell him how much you want this baby. Plan as much as you can for the possibility of things going wrong and what support/help you can outsource (including paid for).

Itwasaquarterpast11 · 27/09/2020 10:50

It is your right to make the choice. However, much as you say you want to continue the pregnancy, you do not make a compelling case for doing do. Your physical health, mental health and lack of childcare are all very valid things to consider.
If you having this baby means that everyone else is expected to pitch in for your choices, I'm not sure that is fair on those around you. I think you need to consider whether you are able to provide everything another child would need from within your own personal resources. If you need to outsource everything, I can understand everyone's reservations.

FourPlasticRings · 27/09/2020 11:09

If you having this baby means that everyone else is expected to pitch in for your choices, I'm not sure that is fair on those around you... If you need to outsource everything, I can understand everyone's reservations.

Life isn't fair. It's not fair that OP and her DH unexpectedly made a life despite not intending to. It's not about fairness. A woman's uterus is not a democracy that everyone gets a say in. Others can choose how involved they are after the birth and the OP should weigh that up when making her decision but it's not her job to quell other people's reservations. It's her body. At this point she can't choose not to become pregnant, she can only choose whether to abort it or not. And that's 100% her call.

Sedregc · 27/09/2020 11:15

I don't need to outsource childcare to anyone, my in laws offered to do it to make life easier for us but it is not essential. As for my physical health that is only during the pregnancy and I am fine other wise. Mentally, yes I struggle but I have recieved specific counselling and have learnt coping techniques which I am confident I can put into practice with a bit of support from family.

GiggyThePomeranian · 27/09/2020 11:21

Would you be able to do it alone OP? If worst came to worst and your DH left? I think what would make up my mind would be the effect the new baby would have on the existing children.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 11:27

As much as yes, the decision is ultimately yours you need to make that decision taking into account the impacts and what you expect of others around you, and if they are willing.

You already know his parents have said no to the Friday nights/sat mornings, so how will you work? Your husband has said no because when you feel down he has to Carry and he doesn’t think he can cope.

All these things are serious considerations. Your mothers view is important but only if she’s thinking of stepping in and picking up the slack herself.

You also need to consider if your husband left over this, because the marriage deteriorated further, or the impacts of having a disabled child on all your lives.

I understand the emotional response to continue, and this is fully your decision, but as you do not intend to manage on your own, then taking into account what’s right for your family before making the decision is important.

JaJaDingDong · 27/09/2020 17:11

I know it's your uterus etc but your decision shouldn't be yours alone. It will affect the lives of so many other people, including the children you already have.
It's not like you're a single person whose choice will affect you only.

lunalulu · 07/10/2020 06:22

I know it's your uterus etc but your decision shouldn't be yours alone

What?!!!!

Yes it should! So it's ok to force a woman to have an abortion because other people don't want her to have the baby?!!!!!!!

Personally OP I wouldn't risk your mental health for the rest of your life by caving in to pressure around you. Let them, in the nicest possible way, F off. You want your baby you have it. You might even have to fight for it. So fight.

lunalulu · 07/10/2020 06:24

And yes there will be practical challenges in having another, but they won't last forever! I'm sure you'll manage.

Trixie18 · 07/10/2020 06:39

Your body your choice. Abortion is a terrible procedure to go through and I would never recommend it unless you're absolutely sure it's the right thing for you to do. Good luck xx

laura212 · 17/10/2020 15:40

OP, I hope you’re doing alright. As others have said, think very carefully before having a termination. The logical decision is almost always to terminate an unplanned pregnancy. It’s your decision though and nobody should try and make you do anything. It’s their choice whether to help with childcare / stick around.

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