Torn with abortion

[Pregnantanddistraught]

So, after trawling through the internet to gain insight into how other people have coped emotionally with this, I’m still torn and struggling,
I found out I was pregnant last week, with baby no 5 (Mine and my fiancé’s first). My sons are 13,10 and 6.My daughter is 12. My two eldest were from an abusive relationship, and my 2 youngest from my ex husband (both planned). My fiancé has 2 children also who we have every other weekend. So 6 kids between us.

When me and DP met 2.5 years ago neither of us wanted anymore kids and we were both happy with that. Fast forward to now, and we’re engaged to be married next August, having paid a large deposit already. We also, surprisingly, spoke the last few months about how nice it would be to try for our own child after the wedding.
I was in and out of hospital last month with unrelated problems which have now resolved but during this time, I Wasn’t as spot on at taking the pill as I usually am. We had sex once in the last 6 weeks due to me being ill etc, and I panicked and took the MAP-which obviously hasn’t worked and I’m now pregnant. Around 4-5 weeks.
At first when I found out I was more shocked and horrified than my partner was, however after a week to think about it, we keep coming up with the same answer, and that despite how much I never expected to be in this position that an abortion is our only realistic option as the timing couldn’t be worse.
I work full time as a nurse and have just been offered a new job,a promotion. Having a baby now would mean if I take the promotion, I wouldn’t be entitled to mat pay.My fiancé usually works in retail management and was hit by covid earlier in the year,making him redundant, so he’s currently working in a lower paid job where the hours are not guaranteed, he’s looking to find something else but in the current climate it’s difficult. We live in a 3 bed house, so not exactly an ideal situation. I own the house myself but because I bought it from the council, moving wouldn’t be an option for another 4 years. My eldest son lives with my mother down the road as he struggles with his mental health and always has done (anger) and wasn’t safe around my daughter or his other siblings, especially when sharing a room, he still comes round every few days but seems more settled there without the triggers of my younger children setting him off.

Like I’ve mentioned, we have our wedding booked for next August, which we still need to pay 50% of. I love my children and my fiancé and know in my head that everything about this situation is wrong and I agree with him that it’s not good timing but my heart hurts so bad and abortion is not something I’ve ever felt I could go through with, but now it’s a very real possibility.
I’m 33, he’s 44. My fear is I’ll have an abortion and when we decide the time is right and if we still want another,it won’t happen and that will be my punishment . He has some fertility problems anyway, which is another reason we were so shocked this has happened.
I am waiting for a phone consultation with the Clinic Friday to go ahead with an abortion and then they said I will be scanned next week and decide either medical or surgical option. I had the surgical procedure with a general for a MMC before my youngest was born and felt this was the best way for me to cope mentally with it, however I’ve been told you have to be 9 weeks for that and I feel like if I need to do it, I need to do it sooner rather than later, however I’m terrified of a medical abortion and what I may see and how that will stay with me.
My partner is amazingly supportive and said he will support me whatever I do.
I haven’t been able to tell my mother as I do not feel comfortable doing so and feel she may judge me and make me feel worse than I already do, I guess I’m looking for some impartial advice xx

I am sorry to hear you’re in this situation and can only imagine how tough this is for you both.

My worry here is that you really don’t sound like you want an abortion. I appreciate the timing isn’t ideal for a baby but I guess looking at the bigger picture, is this really not something you could both work around?

Your partner sounds very supportive which is great. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be tough financially but from what you say it sounds like this may be your only chance if you do want a child together. I also get the strong sense you already know you’ll regret it if you go through with the abortion.

I think you need to sit down again with your partner and discuss whether you can make it work and if you knew this was your only opportunity to have a child together would you be able to go through with it.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

Thankyou for your reply commonsense it means a lot. Although my DP is amazing and no doubt going through the ringer with this emotionally too, I can’t help but feel ultimately the buck stops with me and feel quite alone.He seems to say whatever he thinks I want to hear, and I know he just wants the best for us, we both just feel trapped and punished by whatever decision we make. I know I wouldn’t look at a child and regret it, but at the same time I look at the children I have now and think is it fair to make us more worse off financially just because I’m struggling to do the sensible option. It would mean cancelling the wedding as we sure couldn’t afford that, and make room for a child all in 9 months. We still don’t even have a 7 seater yet. Loads of things spinning around in my mind in regards to this impossible situation. I know none of us have a crystal ball, I just wish I knew how I would feel if I went ahead with it. Sadness?guilt?relief? I’m feeling completely overwhelmed.
I had some bleeding the night we found out I was pregnant and thought I was having a miscarriage. I was upset initially but when I thought about the circumstances a few days later, I figured, selfishly Atleast it would make that decision for me but I’ve had no more bleeding for a week and my hormones have gone up,indicating I’ve more than likely not miscarried.I know it’s a horrible thing to say (I was devasted when I miscarried just before DS3) and there’s nothing that could make me feel worse than I already do xx

Oh, how hard This sounds such a difficult decision for you to make.

I terminated a pregnancy between my two DC because the timing for everything just didn't feel right and I thought it would put the family we already had in difficulties that weren't fair to our eldest DC. BUT I also knew at the time that I was relatively happy with one DC and if I hadn't been able to get pregnant again, it wouldn't have been the end of the world.

Can you try calling Marie Stopes etc, or do you have employee counselling through work, so you get a chance to talk this through?

Thankyou Xuli-how old were you when you had the termination if you don’t mind me asking? I have considered calling them, but getting time off work to visit all these places will be difficult. I’ve already had 3 weeks off work when I was in and out of hospital so my boss won’t appreciate me having more time off to accommodate all these appointments, especially at the minute when things are chaotic with covid. The Early pregnancy unit at my nearest hospital (the one who are ringing me Friday to do a telephone consultation) asked if I wanted counselling last week when I made the initial call but I declined as I thought it would prolong the wait, but seems it’s pretty standard to wait until they’ve seen something on a scan they won’t book me in anyway, and I have been warned as I’m only 4-5 weeks if nothing is detected next week, I’ll have to go back again, so it’ll delay it even more.

That’s the thing, I don’t know how devasted I’d be if we struggled to have a child between us because of his problems. We both loved the idea of having another child and imagining what he/she would be like, but not now.
I plucked up the courage to tell my mum this evening (she popped round unexpectedly and I broke down), she surprised me and was quite sympathetic and supportive. I said to her, we’d been speaking about maybe having a child between us in 18 months+ or so,(albeit I was aware TTC might be difficult anyway with DP problem) and my mum said if that was the case and it didn’t happen we’d just have to move on and accept it as fate and be happy with the children we each have. I do feel she’s right in that sense and maybe I should just be grateful for what I have and accept that xx

Wishing you all the best in difficult situation. I hope you get to talk through all your options with someone. I think the wedding could wait, but the other things are hard to balance. I think other jobs would come up as there is a big shortage of nurses, but perhaps some Jobs are more competitive than others.

I was 35, DC was 2, it should have been perfect timing but I just felt in my gut that it wasn't the right time.

I felt horrible throughout it all, I won't lie, but it was more that I wished I hadn't even been in that position in the first place, rather than regrets about the termination, if that makes sense?

Yes absolutely, I feel like I’m living a nightmare 😢

And as hard as it is, you need to try and separate out the two sets of feelings if you can x

I suppose in that case, my question is, what makes a wedding beautiful, is it how much you spent on it, or is it the love, a love that would be all that much stronger if you shared a baby already, rather than sharing only an empty feeling that someone was missing, if that makes any sense?

🙏👌 this

I hope you're ok, OP, whatever you chose to do 🌼

I appreciate both your comments,however, a baby doesn’t always make a relationship/marriage stronger if the situation isn’t right and I’m guessing that’s my main reason for being booked in for a medical termination tomorrow. I don’t know how the stress of a child now would impact on my relationship when we don’t have the space for one, and I don’t feel risking becoming a single mum to 5 children would be very fair on the children I already have. Not so much the single mum part but the stretching myself 5 ways as a single mum.

I’m not ok, far from it and don’t feel at peace with my decision but ultimately this is never a situation I thought I’d be in and I don’t think of abortion as something that should be taken lightly,it upsets me everytime I think about it-but I just have to remind myself that I’m doing it for the children I already have.

I'm glad that you came to a decision, though I know it's a very difficult one to deal with. I wish you well for tomorrow. Please do come back and talk if you want to, our you can always message me if you'd like to talk privately and offload to a random stranger

The abortion facility is one option though some of them provide ‘check the box’ counselling only, subtly steering women towards getting the abortion done even if you’re not ready. It might be better to speak with someone outside the facility that won’t have a conflict of interest.

This.

As PP said, it doesn't sound like it's fully your choice.

And the emotional impact on you of having aborted with regret before you've even done it could also very possibly have a negative effect on your children and relationship.

You are in a pivotal position as a mother and have a lot of responsibility and people to take care of, I know. And that's also why it's very important to take care of yourself.

It sounds like you're going ahead, and I wish you all the very best, but I would second PP in saying perhaps chat with a non-invested counsellor before the final action.

🌈 💐