Should I tell my best friend about my abortion?

[Naomip88]

unfortunately last week I found out I was pregnant. I already have 2 under 6 and sadly feel that right now despite quite wanting to go through with the pregnancy there seems like quite alot of hurdles so I have a medical abortion booked in next week.

There's quite a few different reasons for this pretty painful decision. We're both self employed and haven't got stable incomes at the moment due to covid, my partner is going through therapy dealing with depression and anxiety , I suffered from pnd with my youngest and also theres practical reasons like we're not quite financially ready to move out of our really small house and upgrade our small car.

After years of being unsure whether I would like a third I've realised I would love one in a year or two when we feel more emotionally and financially prepared which makes it feel all the more hard as I wasn't prepared for this change of heart .

Anyway (sorry for the ramble I think I needed to share ) I'm struggling with whether to tell my best friend. I've only told my sister ( whose just separated from her husband so i dont want to lean to heavily on her) and another close friend ( whose a therapist so very non judgemental and great with advice) but am struggling a bit without support from other friends.

I'm meant to be seeing my best friend of many years next week and am struggling whether to tell her. She spent 3 years trying to conceive and after a round of ivf she had her lovely son but am worried how she'll take the news of this.

She's a really kind, lovely person and I'm sure she won't judge me but I can't shake the feeling it'll be hard to take. Not sure whether I'm projecting my own guilt ( I was raised a Catholic and my mum struggled with fertility so abortion was never ever discussed)

I wouldn't tell her

I say that Cos u say she had struggles with ivf etc so it's very possible she might get annoyed and your mind is already made up. So telling her might cause arguments between U both. And U don't need to tell her she doesn't need to know. U can still be best friends and not tell her everything

I wouldn't say anything. You can get emotional support from lots of wonderful ladies who have been through it on here few may be strangers but it's what helped me through!) and the clinic you are using should offer counselling too. I was so glad only a very small number of people knew about our situation x

God no. Definitely not.

I'm sorry you're in this situation If I were you I wouldn't tell her (or anyone else) and would just use MN for support.

I was raised a catholic myself though so I do get it and the need to 'confess'. DH says I'm the worst secret keeper in the world as a result, he is right...

I wouldn’t

It’s a very emotive subject and if you don’t know her views on the subject it might be a cause of more stress tHan support

You have 3 people in the know already give them an opportunity to support.

I’m saying that as someone who went through the same for similar reasons to you and have never told a soul apart from dh. Appreciate everyone is different though

Do you know her views on abortion? I think that makes a difference

I had IvF. I think it would have been a lot harder for her to hear if she hadn't had her son but for me, having DS took away all the difficult feelings that came with infertility problems

As an aside, and I'm sorry because I don't know if this is too intrusive of me. You're seeming to need a lot of people's support on this, are you sure you're happy with decision (I'm very very pro-choice so it's a genuine question)

I wouldn't want to hear this if I was your friend. I wouldn't judge, but it would hurt me to think how I would give anything to be able to have this baby.

As an aside- I think you need to be sure that you can live with the possibility of not being able to conceive when the time is right in a year or two.

I would stick to professional support maybe?

I really wouldn’t

Don't tell your friend, there is no need for her to know. I do 'get' that you want to confide about it but you've already told your sister, please let that be sufficient; that is apart from talking on here where you are anonymous.

The abortion is entirely your business. Fwiw, I think your reasons are very good ones and wish you all the best.

No don't tell her. I am sure in reality she would be fine, but given she needed IVF to conceive her dc you don't know how this information would affect her. You need to speak to someone who can support you and I'm not convinced she would be that person given her history. Best to err on the side of caution and not say anything.

Thanks for all your advice, actually spoke to her today and told her and she was amazing . I think we've both supported each other through so many ups and downs that I knew deep down she would be non judgemental and supportive.

I'm so glad to hear that OP. I was coming on to say "Don't assume because she's had to have fertility treatment, she'll struggle with this." I had IVF and a much-wanted pregnancy, but totally get why women in different circumstances would need an abortion (and need a friendly shoulder to lean on while they did so). There but for the grace of (insert your favoured supernatural entity here) go I - there were several times in my youth (broken condoms, D&V bugs while on the pill) when I could have needed one.

I'm glad you told your friend. My husband and I struggled to conceive for a long time. During that period my best friend had two babies and fell pregnant a third time. I knew about her pregnancies even before her boyfriend did, and she worried about telling me about her third because she knew how long we'd been trying. She decided to have an abortion, which was a really hard decision for her, but I didn't judge. I actually found found out two weeks after she had her positive test, that I was pregnant, so if anything, I was more worried about trying not to flaunt my pregnancy in her face while she was going through a tough time. I ended up going to her appointment with her, and supported her as much as I could. I would've been so upset if she felt she had to hide something like that from me. I hope you're okay.

We all have our own journeys. What happens to one woman doesn’t affect the other, so I’m glad your friend was supportive and non-judgemental. That’s how it should be.