3 children, 1 special needs and pregnant with 4th

[Confusedgrievingmum]

Hi. I'm an absolute mess right now. I have 3 beautiful children, one of which has autism. We did not plan on having any more children as hubby was scheduled for a snip soon. Unfortunately, I got pregnant and now sits on 6w+. DH is adamant he doesn't want any more kids especially given our special needs child. I however am not too sure if i can live with myself if I terminated the pregnancy. I understand DH's concerns, saying it will be too much for us esp that our kids are heavily dependent on me. I also remember how physically hard things were for me during the 3rd trimester of my last pregnancy and i can't imagine myself functioning well around the house when I get heavily pregnant.

So, i did get myself scheduled for a medical termination next 12 Wednesday. I burst into tears when i think about it, already feeling depressed, guilty, anxious and more. If I push through with this, i feel like a terrible person for not giving this a fair chance in life. However, if I carry on with the pregnancy, I don't know if i can be the mum my kids need me to be, age 7,5,2.

Does it get easier once you've done the abortion? How do you heal from it? How do I forgive myself after this?

Thank you. I feel so lost I've thought of dying a few times.

I had a similar situation to yours and although I was devastated at being in that situation and did a lot of crying, I didn’t doubt my decision to have an abortion, and knew it was what I had to do. Now two months on I feel very much at peace with it, especially living in these uncertain times. I don’t regret it now, and I feel glad that I was able to prioritise my existing children and my mental health and well-being.

However, it is a physical and emotional ordeal and it is very important that you are sure it is the right decision for you before you go ahead. Even when you are sure it is still upsetting, so if you are really in doubt, take some time to decide because obviously there is no going back.

I personally think its very wrong for anyone on here to say dont abort or do. U have to make the decision, people obviously talk about their own experiences. Im coming from experience of having 2 children, one with autism and i know how hard it is, wish u the best

Ime going from 3 to 4 dc was easier than 2 to 3. No SN but just a year apart. 4 under 7's was tough. No regrets at all. Actually went on to have further dc on time too!

Hi confusedgrievingmum, I am sorry that you have to make this difficult, and highly personal, decision.

I recently had a termination after finding out I was expecting my seventh child in my mid forties. I found the women on the phone lines and in the clinics (this was just prior to lockdown) were excellent at helping me think through my own thoughts and make my own decisions.

You are not alone and there are wise women out there who can support you make the right decision for you.

Mrsmrsm85 I think that is an immoral thing to post. Nobody knows her full situation and she does not have 4 children, she has 3.

Op only you can judge what is best for you and your family. I was in a similar situation a year ago.

Something that helped me was a friend who told me that in either situation I was going to feel guilty and regretful to some degree, so I should stop thinking that one of the decisions would suddenly feel 'right' and focus on what would be more right or at least less wrong for us.

In our case that was a termination. It was sad at the time, and then a couple of months later my hormones flared and I was SURE it was wrong, but over a year later I am so sure it was right for us and am at peace. Only you can know what is best for you.

There is also free and good counselling available from Marie Stopes / BPAS, I spoke to a counsellor on the phone twice and they were helpful in framing my thoughts and very unbiased and unjudgmental (they don't want anyone to go through with an unwanted termination just as much as they don't want anyone to have to go through with an unwanted pregnancy).

Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

Yes, one of my worries is the uncertainty of these times. I wish there was an easy answer.

I have just finished reading a thread that resonates with me and I feel that while I am dreadful of the abortion, I have to prioritise my children, especially since we don't have family support around us, just me and DH so when somebody gets sick, it gets too hard splittting ourselves and the kids always want me to be around them. I just can't imagine myself being in this position having thought that I was prolife all along. Now I understand how it feels.

I would say the same as PP to follow your heart.

You seem to only mention tiredness and challenge when talking about the 4th child. If you have support, enough money, then why not?! It happened! It wasn't expected but it happened.

I am definitely pro choice but you need to really consider the "whys" or you may come to regret it.

@Confusedgrievingmum It's a dreadful decision to make isn't it. I have a severely disabled young DC (my only child) and we just knew right now wasn't the right time (I had the abortion 5 weeks ago). Our DC requires so much support. It didn't make it any easier - both choices would have been very difficult. I won't lie and pretend the guilt and sadness have gone away, but I'm putting all my energies into focusing on my DC and I know it was the best decision at the time, and still is. It doesn't mean I'm not allowed to grieve though.

Be kind to yourself, no matter what you decide.

My 4th was a little bit of a surprise, we had talked about another but we hadn't planned on her coming that soon. I also have a child (2 actually) with additional needs including autism.

I would stay that the 4th slotted in perfectly as was no extra work for me really, but cars etc will be an issue if you don't have one suitable already.

It's hard though! I had one then had twins so I went from 1 to 3 and it was so hard, but like I say, 4th didn't make much difference really.

I thought I was pregnant about a year ago and I said I would have a termination as it's just too much but I don't know if I could have gone through with it.

Wishing you luck whatever you decide.

How are you doing OP? I found myself going through exactly the same rollercoaster of emotions as you earlier this year. It’s beyond tough. Go easy on yourself and take you time x

I went through with the abortion. I wasn't sure at first, then I thought it best to prioritise my existing children, to be a mother to them, etc etc. I thought i was okay a couple of days after, when I didn't show pregnancy signs anymore. And then, this morning, I passed IT AND I BROKE DOWN. I had been a coward. I was too scared of the unknown, of not being able to mother all my children whilst I was pregnant, of failing my special needs son, that I did not give my unborn child an equal right to exist, to be with us. Now everytime I look at my children, especially my youngest one, I imagine what it would be like if I had been brave and carried on with pregnancy, what character would our little one be, if she would have my eyes or hair or personality. I'm in sooooo much pain and I HATE MYSELF for doing it. There is no turning back now. I wish I had been brave and believed in myself, trusted my body and let nature take its course. I am wallowing in guilt, resentment, anger and fear. Fear that I may not be able to get back from this and not become the beautiful mum that I was for my children. Oh I was always full of laughter and smiles, I could have carried on and struggled but still be okay. Now I am broken and I hate my husband for pushing me to do this and hate myself more for what I have done. 💔💔💔

Please dont hate yourself or your husband, you made the decision that was best for you at the moment.
We’re you offered any post termination counselling? If so, I’d take it.
You are currently hormonal, so emotions are running higher than usual.
Sending you lots of sympathy and support.

I told them at the clinic that I'd be needing counselling after. But the thing is, I felt relieved initially after I had the pills, once the nausea lifted and I haf my appetite back. I felt like my old self. And then when I saw it, I was crushed. I called my husband to come home from work so we could bury it, and we did. And I have been in a very dark place since then. 😔😔😔

OP, if I had seen your post before you had the termination, I would have noted that your reasons for not wanting to go ahead with it primarily revolved around guilt. And I would have told you that there is no place for guilt in this - I would have suggested you assess your feeling, if possible, with the guilt (that we as women are 'told' to feel, and especially that someone, like you, who considered herself 'pro-life' will have accepted without question that someone who has a termination 'must' and 'will' feel) out of the equation.

Seeing the sac was probably a shock - it's not a nice sight, as I know from many miscarriages. And your hormones will be all over the place. I do think it's significant that your initial emotion was relief. It's not an inevitable sentence now that you have brought upon yourself to go through some purgatory of guilt. You may need to grieve, to feel sad that circumstances weren't right for this pregnancy to continue, to wish it hadn't happened (nobody 'wants' a termination). But please, if you an, try to take the guilt out of it.

FWIW, I have three, all NT (pretty much), and if I were to get pregnant now I would probably terminate. It is entirely legitimate for both you and your dh to feel that there are only so many ways you can stretch yourselves.

How are you feeling today OP?

I have 1 NT child and a 20 year old Autistic child, and have always said that if I got pregnant again I’d 100% have a termination.
Autistic children are hard enough, but autistic adults are another thing completely.
Please take care of yourself.

I too think it’s telling that your 1st reaction was relief. Hang on to that feeling if you can.

@CatteStreet @Bookaholic73
Hi. I am not as bad as when I saw the sac. Still there are moments when I'd freeze and just think of what I had done and looking myself in the mirror has become hard these days. I am hoping that in time, I will learn to forgive myself and to heal fully. Thank you so much for the kind words. I am hanging on to my children and just trying to be as busy as can be so I am not left thinking too much.
Again, thank you for your supportive words. It's amazing how strangers can shine a light on your road and be there for you in your darkest hours. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾