I found out I was pregnant a week into lockdown. A third, unplanned baby. At the time we had an 8 mo old and 2.5 yr old. The small age gap terrified me. Lockdown hit me hard. I didn’t do the uncertainty of it all very well, the lack of support from my vulnerable parents (when previously they’d been so amazing and hands on) and not knowing when we’d see friends and family again. I was terrified of having another baby in that lonely and isolated situation. I had a traumatic first birthday, had high anxiety levels during my second pregnancy throughout, regarding the birth, but miraculously had a beautifully easy water birth. The thought of being pregnant again, with two demanding little ones and also thinking about the birth felt, at the time, impossible. I also had an overwhelmingly strange feeling that after two healthy babies something would be wrong and the impact of that on us as a family would be devastating. My DH wanted to keep the baby, we could’ve afforded to, we have a big enough house and more than enough love to go around. However I just couldn’t go through with it. After 5 painful weeks of yo-yoing from one decision to another, I had a medical abortion at 9 Weeks.
I had two appointments at the clinic (the first I left in tears, saying I couldn’t go through with it) and even then I knew I was making the right choice at the time for me and us as a family, but I also had a feeling I’d regret it. My DH was so against the decision but was and has been so very supportive.
At the time I finally mustered the courage to take the tablets and for a while felt instant relief.
However, today, It’s hit me that I’ve pretty much thrown away my last chance to have another baby. I’m 39. My DH has since said that although it wasn’t planned, he was excited but that ship has now sailed. He’s happy with our lot. He’s also concerned about the risks that age bring with things. We also have a lovely life, can offer our two children lots of experiences but another child would make that harder, financially and logistically. E
It’s really hit me over the past few days that
I’ll never feel those kicks again, the anxious anticipation of giving birth, wash all of those newborn clothes and pack the hospital bag, smell that milky newborn neck...
Has anyone else felt such an overwhelming emptiness, when your heart is so full with the children that you have? I keep looking at the due date and thinking of how different things would have been. I’m in a different place now, compared to lockdown, our children
are that little bit older....
I really can’t shake the feeling of something being wrong though and I know neither of us would be strong enough to cope with that and to be it feels a Risk that I just can’t take.
But apart from that I feel I’ve made such an awful decision and gone through with something that never should’ve happened...
Do you ever get over that? How do you make peace with this situation?