Unplanned third, decided to keep, feel desperately unhappy and confused still

[munchymoo]

Fell pregnant with unplanned 3rd baby in July, already have a 4.5 year old DS and 10 month old DS. Agonised for weeks but DH and I keep deciding we'll go ahead, mainly because we can't bring ourselves to terminate (very pro-choice but being a mum already and having had a previous termination I know a) what comes out the other end in 9 months time and b) the grief that can result from terminating)

Every time we decide to go ahead, it feels ok for a few days - poss just relief of decision, I don't know, but then I feel shit again, start agonising, getting depressed, feeling anguished and torn.

It's tearing us up. I can't function. I'm not looking after DC property, thank God DH is on furlough and is being amazing at caring for them, getting up with baby in the night etc. but it is starting to affect the whole family.

I can't bring myself to terminate, I'm so terrified of grief and regret which is long lasting or lifelong even. Sitting in 20 years wondering what my son/daughter would have been like.

But I don't want to go ahead because I'm miserable, I can't face another pregnancy so soon, every part of it (the scans, the bump, the movements, the midwife appts etc.) I just cannot visualise or imagine. I'm terrified that I'll f**k up our lovely family and our lovely balance of me DH and our 2 healthy boys for which I am so blessed. I'm terrified I won't have enough time for DS1 and DS2, esp DS2 as he's still a baby and will only be 18 months when no 3 is here, but also DS1 as he won't get a look in as I'll be struggling to meet the needs of the 2 little ones.

We don't have much family support and I'm worried DH and I will have no time to ourselves for ever more, no breaks, resources will be stretched etc.

And yet I have this sense that I'll love the baby when she or he is here. Of course I will. But I'm not sure I'll love the life. Of being stretched so much.

I feel so miserable and the worst is I'm now 11 weeks. I've spent the last 8 weeks since finding out, in absolute hell. I don't know what do to. Time is running out and I can't make a decision and I have no faith in myself any more because I can't see straight.

Please please help me. I know no one can make this decision for me, but how do I move forward?

I don't feel a loving bond with this pregnancy. But there is an attachment there albeit a negative one. It's all just so horrible and so hard I just hate this situation so much .

Hi, so sorry you’re in this tricky situation. It must be awful. Just wanted to say I have 3 boys. 5,2 and 8 months. There’s 19 months between my younger two and although it was hard it’s manageable. When I was first pregnant with number 3 I remember my dad of all people saying to me “you will never regret having 3 but you might regret not having 3”. It made me feel much better. Just thought it might help you. Things might be hard in the short term but now with my littlest at 8 months I feel like I’m coming out of the fog and love having a bigger family. I hope you feel better soon. X

Op , I really feel for you and the anguish you are going through particularly when you are very much in the thick of it looking after two little ones.
We have three dcs and lovely family but absolutely no practical support from them at all so it’s just me and my dh.
Our third was very much wanted but pregnancy was always a bit of a shock each time.
In some ways you are in the early years now anyway so it won’t be a huge shock etc. Of course having three is very busy etc but honestly it’s been wonderful and now they are three it gives my other kids options of who to play with . I found 1 to 2 way harder going tbh. Also sounds random but two as the got older could be a bit intense and having three has helped them all as they are a real team.
I’m not trying to gloss over your concerns but you’re busy with two and for the first year babies are fairly potable and go along with everything and then as they get older it gets easier with your older two. Are your other kids going to go to nursery? Maybe even one day a week if you can to give yourself a break or even now to give you that headspace . Or maybe work out a plan of how you and your dh can cope to give you control over the situation. I really wish you and your family the best .

Portable , not potable ....

@munchymoo will PM you

Can you access pregnancy counselling? Talk to a service like BPAS?

My third child was unplanned, a massive surprise, and DH wanted me to terminate. Unlike you there was no ambiguity for me- I did not want to terminate, I wanted a third baby as soon as I knew he was there. I have also had a previous termination and if I became pregnant again would have one without a second thought- pregnancy and birth has only ever made me more pro choice and less sentimental about the whole thing.

Whatever choice you make is valid and the right choice because it is yours. But in the situation you describe, feeling the way you describe, I would not want to continue the pregnancy.

On the cons side you have:

I feel shit again, start agonising, getting depressed, feeling anguished and torn.

It's tearing us up. I can't function. I'm not looking after DC properly

I'm miserable, I can't face another pregnancy so soon, every part of it (the scans, the bump, the movements, the midwife appts etc.)

I'm terrified that I'll f**k up our lovely family

We don't have much family support and I'm worried DH and I will have no time to ourselves for ever more, no breaks, resources will be stretched etc.

And for the pros:

we'll go ahead, mainly because we can't bring ourselves to terminate

I have this sense that I'll love the baby when she or he is here. Of course I will. But I'm not sure I'll love the life. Of being stretched so much.

That doesn't seem very balanced. Again with the reminder that the decision is yours and whatever decision you make is fine- you don't sound to me like a woman who wants to continue the pregnancy, rather a woman who doesn't want to continue it but feels obliged to do so.

In any case- do speak to someone if you can, someone neutral and trained. And whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the very best .

@unmarkedbythat put it very well. And it's totally your decision @munchymoo - I was on track for a twin pregnancy so jumping from 1 to 3, I had three agonising weeks (even when for most of that I thought it was a singleton) and unfortunately I felt the decision was out of my hands when we found out it was twins.

So I'm a case study of having terminated - it's very very early days and I have a counselling session this Friday, but I feel a bit more like me again and haven't experienced any feelings of regret since the treatment finished. The worst was after the first pill really as nothing happens but you know it's the beginning of the end. That said, I think you can only go for surgical past 9/10 weeks. That's my experience but everyone is different.

Sent you a PM and happy to chat if you need. I knew nothing about terminations before this and hate how taboo it still is - you'll see me pop up a lot now as I'm very happy to share my experience if it helps.

muchy just jumping in here to say hang on in there, it's never the ideal time to have a child, you'll have a small age gap but 18 months isn't too bad and they will grow up best of friends if you go ahead. My first two have a 15 month gap and my eldest was born with a deformity that required 3 years of surgery so I wasn't planning a second until that was over....and yet I fell pregnant. I was in a complete state. I delayed my booking appt until 14 weeks and I cried throughout. I was referred to the psychiatric midwifery team who regularly assessed me. My DS2 was born the week DS1 had his first major surgery. It was a huge juggling act, leaving newborn DS2 post feeds with friends to sleep so I could go into hospital to be with DS1. You couldn't make it up! Anyhow, just to say, your feelings are not unusual, but they don't mean you should terminate. I have also terminated my 4th pregnancy for no real reason other than not feeling I could cope and my DH was very anti 4 kids. I have lived with deep regret ever since.

Just to look at unmarkedly's email from another angle:

I feel shit again, start agonising, getting depressed, feeling anguished and torn. - You are in a state of conflict - this is why you feel so shitty

It's tearing us up. I can't function. I'm not looking after DC properly
Ditto- you are panicking and we cannot make decent decisions when we are in a state of panic, so try to relax a bit (easier said than done)

We don't have much family support and I'm worried DH and I will have no time to ourselves for ever more, no breaks, resources will be stretched etc. You will have playgroup friends, mum friends, neighbours, there are always people there who can help and you will find it's a lot easier than you are worrying about. Jumping from 2 to 3 was a doddle comparing to 0 to 1 for me.

I'm miserable, I can't face another pregnancy so soon, every part of it (the scans, the bump, the movements, the midwife appts etc.) This is totally rational, and understandable, it's a lot to take in just 10 months after your last baby

I'm terrified that I'll f**k up our lovely family you won't - you are a good mum and your love grows exponentially with each child. Your children will not know any different (either way you go)

So, try looking at it another way and don't look at abortion as a 'way out' as it's just a way into a whole new can of worms in many people's experience (including mine). Good luck, whichever way you go.

I was in a very similar situation to yours and I did have a medical termination.

We gave ourselves a deadline to decide what we were going to do because I was worried about waiting and it only being harder to go through with an abortion and didn’t want that to be the reason we went ahead with the pregnancy, if that makes sense.

I am desperately sad it was something I had to go through but I feel sure in the decision and grateful to have the life I had returned to me with enough emotional bandwidth for my two wonderful children.

In the end only you and your husband can decide and you shouldn’t be swayed by anyone else’s views or opinions. Your life, your family.
Wishing you lots of strength whatever you decide xx