AIBU to consider termination for mental health reasons?

[bornninthe80s]

Back story - eating disorder of 25 years (MH illness). Not a feature in my life anymore thankfully. Had depression (brought on by trauma) in 2017/18 and was on ADs for about the last year.

I'm 40, married and have one amazing DC who's nearly 2. Kind of decided I was one and done especially as I'm not getting younger. Pregnancy wasn't good before, too many scares (had a CVS to rule out downs) and then a premature baby (5 weeks and a day).

Have found myself 6 weeks pregnancy, unexpectedly, and have been in despair since but I do wish I could go ahead with it. It's terrible timing as about to start some work in a new industry, moving to a village from a big city (bigger house and close to family), and I love the stage DC is at now.

I've genuinely loved every stage of my DC growing up, but the thought of going back to pregnancy, all the associated worries (I literally google everything that can go wrong, currently fixated on spina bifada) and then the newborn stage (DC still sleeps on a breathing monitor because, well, me) etc doesn't excite me one bit. Thing is DC doesn't have any cousins nearby and hasn't been in any childcare since March and I'm inherently an introvert so I do worry about her being lonely.

Anyway back to my point, over the last two weeks I have been completely flattened. Incredible tiredness, my tolerance with my DC has lessened, I feel like I'm being a terrible mother. I can see this being the case for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond and hate that thought. Have been considering termination since finding out and today feel I have to accept I'm not cut out for round two. But feel so sad inside to terminate a potentially healthy baby

Anyone resonate? And can advise? X

*6 weeks pregnant

Anyone? X

There's no such thing as an unreasonable abortion, only what's right for you.

My DP and I are are having similar thoughts, we're deciding whether to try for a second. Pregnancy was absolutely awful for me, sickness and exhaustion throughout, and DP, who's older, has found one extremely tiring. But we love being parents and don't want DD to be an only.

One consideration for us is getting extra help if we had a second. With our first we did it all on our own until she turned one. If we have number two we'll probably have childcare of some sort in place for both children much earlier, maybe even a part time nanny, so we have more of a chance to rest. DD loves her nursery and I'll consider putting her in 5 days a week during my pregnancy just so I can get through it knowing she's looked after.
So my point is what is your support network like? Could you afford paid help for the next couple of years to take the strain off? Or would you be doing it all on your own?

You're not being unreasonable at all. If your mental health is already suffering so acutely, termination might be the right choice.

What’s your partner say OP? Do you think knowing what to come you could seek additional therapy or help? Speak to a medical professional?

No judgement if you choose a termination, only you know your circumstances and what’s best for you x

@Llamapolice sorry to hear you had a rough ride too. How old is your DD?

I'm so torn about what to do - want to do best by my DC (who will be 2.5 when baby born if we go through with it) and think I'd be a better mum of one.

I think if DH and I had all these massive conversations we are having now before I accidentally fell pregnant, I'd have probably said for him to get the snip! Which makes me wonder if that's our answer.

I adore being a mum to DC. Bloody love it. My little buddy for life. I never got annoyed before though and now I feel everything is trying me and I just have zero energy - genuinely feel gross and utterly exhausted.

Ironically yes we will have more help, a cheap as chips (compared to London!) local preschool plus mum just 20 mins away, but we had some exciting plans and a baby would massively throw a spanner in the works. And I'm talking even a perfectly healthy baby.

I've been up and down for days but almost had a bit of a realisation/premonition that carrying on might make me someone I don't like. Impatient with my DC, no energy to play with her, snappy with my OH...

Thanks for replies @Aquamarine1029 and @OnlyFoolsnMothers ❤️

I've had a call with the pregnancy crisis helpline - I did feel the lady was pro-life though (speaks to hundreds of women distraught after having an abortion! And that abortion massively affected their MH etc). Whereas Marie Stopes counsellor said it sounded like I would keep because I think it's what I should do and she sounded very much pro choice. Very confusing.

I think whichever way this goes, I'll need counselling. And if we terminate then I'll go back onto ADs for a while (they aren't good for pregnancy) too.

DH not being very helpful as he's happy either way.

I was in a very similar position to you, and it's really hard. I spoke to a psychologist, who told me (among other things) that it wasn't acceptable for DH to sit on the fence when it came to such a massive decision, and I couldn't carry the responsibility alone. My DH was the same, said he'd support whatever I decided, but when pushed (gently) he gave more of a firm opinion, which really helped me. Maybe have a conversation with your DH saying you would appreciate a bit more input from him... It's a lot to be deciding by yourself.

It's ok to have a termination for any reason. If you think you don't want another baby, then that's the right decision for you. It's also ok to decide not now/not this pregnancy and give yourself the time to talk about the idea of having another one, and decide to try again in the future. Obviously, you can't guarantee you would get pregnant again, but that's a different risk for you to consider.

It's so difficult to make such a huge choice, especially when you're contending with the hormones of the first trimester clouding your thinking. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

@bornninthe80s I'm nearly 38 so we're feeling the pressure to decide soon!

We're thinking long term too. My thinking is we'll have 2-3 years that are really tough but after that things should get a bit easier as they get older. Saying that, we might well still decide to stick at one. It's so hard isn't it.

Thank you @MsFrog - sorry to hear you were in a similar position. How did things pan out for you? DH is here now so I'm going to say that to him!

@Llamapolice ah still a spring chicken ;) good point though. I'm imaging the baby and newborn years and not really beyond! Maybe I need to put a long term lense on it.

I do think if I wasn't pregnant now it would be a no, we are happy as we are and have a lot of change coming up. X

*imagining

I also wish I'd known more about termination. Not sure how I'll get through that

I would say, don't assume you'll definitely experience all the same anxieties with a second baby. I had poor MH before I became pregnant with DC1 and like you spent the whole pregnancy googling what could go wrong, and after a traumatic birth was convinced he was going to die of xot death (I suffered very bad postnatal anxiety).

Just over 2 years later I didn't suffer any of the same worries with DC2 - was oddly convinced from the moment I got pregnant it was all going to go well (it did, even at age 38) and then did it all again last year aged 41 for DC3, who apart from being 7 weeks early, was absolutely fine.

So - depends a bit on how well you feel you're doing now, but please don't assume it will be the same with a second pregnancy or baby.

It's really hard because it isn't me, but I think in your position I would.
I had two terrible pregnancies, post natal depression and anxiety which continues now (eldest is 3.5), both early babies with Special Care admissions, emergency c section x2, both reflux/colicky, my youngest is still not sleeping well at nearly a year.
I wouldn't put myself through it again, purely from a MH point of view. I do feel a bit selfish for my strong opinion on it, but I just couldn't do it again.
Sorry you had a rotten first pregnancy, and that you're feeling so rough just now. Hope you feel better soon, whatever you decide.

borninthe80s the first time I felt like this, I had fallen pregnant by accident (a complete mystery how even now) and I knew I couldn't go through with it, my mental health couldn't have coped. So I terminated the pregnancy.

I fell pregnant 5 months ago (planned), and spent the first 10 weeks thinking I didn't want it, I couldn't cope (very difficult first baby, lots of anxiety after a long fertility journey, similar story to other PPs), going between keeping it/terminating, feeling guilt and every other emotion. After talking to the psychologist, I realised that for me, keeping it was the right choice because I did (and do still!) want another child in my family. But my pregnancy was planned and my response was linked to fear. It's ok for you to feel fearful because yours isn't planned and you might not want another child in your family.

You can get through termination if that's what you choose, physically and emotionally, there is support available

Just found out it's twins. Sadly that's answered all questions, I couldn't go through with twins at all

So sorry OP, that’s so hard. I hope you find some solace in that your decision was sort of made for you. Do speak to someone afterwards

I'm really sorry, OP, this must be really hard.

Hope you are ok OP, what a tough decision

Thank you kind people! It's been way too hard to talk to friends about this so you guys are honestly helping my head stay above water. I think in rl you quickly realise who's going to be a bit judgey so I've had to bite my tongue even with a really close friend. X

Hope all goes well for you.