Would it be awful to tell my friend I miscarried?

[alwaysunderwater]

I'm booked in for a medical termination on Wednesday. I'll be 7+6. I've only told DH, my mum and one friend that I'm pregnant and only DH and mum about the termination.

My reason is solely my mental health. I've struggled with it for years now and since I found out I was pregnant it's taken a turn for the worse and I've been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I'm devastated at having to do this but the way I am at the moment means I just cant cope. I'm having regular panic attacks and breakdowns and I need to concentrate on getting myself well. So I've made the most difficult decision to terminate but I feel like the most awful human being in the world. Made my worse by the fact that I had a termination 10 years ago as a student after a contraceptive failure, so I hate myself for having to do this twice.

My DH is supportive, so is my mum because they've seen how bad things have gotten but I just cant being myself to tell my friend so I want to tell her that I lost the baby. Would that make me an awful person to lie about something like that? I just don't think she would understand.

It sounds like a horrible choice good luck.

If your friend knows about the pregnancy, is there a way you can lie by omission if you aren't comfortable with her knowing?

Whatever you decide to do is up to you and no judgement. I had a termination at 18 and it was so hard. I have told a couple of people over the years that it was a miscarriage only because however many years down the line it allows for an acknowledgement without their belief system intruding ifswim.

I'd probably say something along the lines of the pregnancy not being able to continue because of medical issues. I wouldn't personally lie about it being a miscarriage; I'd also be concerned that this could come up again in the future (eg if god forbid your friend had a miscarriage) and then you'd have to choose between continuing the lie or coming clean - I don't think either would be good for you. But obviously you know yourself best and what's more likely to be harmful to your mental health.

Sorry you're in this position OP

Whatever your reasons for terminating lying and saying you had a miscarriage is absolutely wrong sorry

Can you imagine if your friend went on to have a miscarriage and came to you for support because she thought you knew what she was going through only to find out you chose to terminate? You would almost certainly lose her friendship

If she's a true friend then she'll understand the reasons why you are making this decision

The friend must be close to you if you already told her you are pregnant. Does she know of your MH struggles? Sounds like you are pre emoting that she will judge you but unless she is hugely pro life or doesn’t know anything about your struggles it’s unlikely.

Only you know what your friend is like, personally though I wouldn’t be comfortable lying outright. If you really don’t want to tell her I’d say something like ‘I’m no longer pregnant but I really don’t want to talk about it, maybe one day I will’

You can tell her what you want. It’s nobodies business if you want to keep it private.

You can tell her that you lost it and that people feeling sorry for you will make you feel worse so would prefer not to discuss it again.

Millions of women would have done this. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last.

I think you can say whatever you like. Whatever makes your life easiest.

At some point you may decide to tell her the truth, If you want to talk about it. A good friend will understand and not judge.

I’ve had a miscarriage and it was devastating. Since, I have decided I do not want another child and currently quite worried I am pregnant (too early to test). I had terrible post natal depression after my first (and only) child and was shocked to discover it resurfaced after my miscarriage. It reminded me how awfully dismal it is to be mentally unwell. I’ve chosen to enjoy my life exactly as it is now, with my mental health intact. However, if I am pregnant and need to terminate I know I will be just as devastated. So the sympathy you get for saying you miscarried is, in my mind, equally valid and deserved for a termination. If that puts your mind at ready (and makes any sense!!)

I hope it goes ok.

It's your medical issue and thus entirely up to you what you tell people. However, are you sure your friend would judge you? I know I would never judge someone in your shoes and neither would most of my friends. If you're close enough to have told her of the pregnancy are you not close enough to tell her this?

The idea above of using a euphemism might be a good one - the pregnancy "didn't work out" or something. But I've had a miscarriage in the past and wouldn't have a problem with you saying you'd had one in the circumstances.

Ready = ease

I think it's entirely your decision. You know your friend best and know what's best for your friendship.

Thanks for all the replies. I can't even Express how much of a monster I feel like for asking this question.

@Bumble84 she is my closest friend, but I only confided in her because I kind of initially wanted her reassurance that my feelings (overwhelmed/terrified/sad) were normal as she recently had a baby. She reassured me that she felt anxious at times but I came away knowing our situations were completely different and almost wished I hadn't told her.

You need to look after YOU. If telling her you miscarried gets you through this then do it.

Don't mention the word miscarriage, just tell her there was no heartbeat and that's it.

Lying about a miscarriage is really awful.

Do whatever you need to do in order to minimise your own pain. This is one of those situations where you are absolutely entitled to put yourself first.

Could you phrase it in a way that is telling a more accurate story without having to give lots of detail? I wouldn’t say you miscarried, I’d say something like the pregnancy couldn’t continue due to medical reasons. If she asks questions just say you’d prefer not to discuss it.

@ellenpartridge

Lying about a miscarriage is really awful.

^This!