Just turned 42 and found out I'm pregnant with my 4th. I have a 20, 9 & 8 year old. Married for 13 years but it's not easy and we have had a tough time. We talked about divorce... Mostly on my end. I work Part time, LOVE my job but we barely make it work!! We just started traveling again which is lovely!!! I'm torn. In my mind I have this idea of having a 4th (3rd with my husband) that is a bit of a fantasy... Like it will bring us closer together and we will have another child to bond with and memories. But I honestly cannot fathom starting all over again. I still have all baby stuff from my kids because of that fantasy in my mind. I can't move on but I honestly don't think my marriage will survive either way in the long run. We own our home with enough bedrooms and space, vehicles big enough but I just don't feel I can do it. The thing is... I've had 3 abortions in the past 8 yrs with my husband. 1 medical. 2 surgical. We both were on board to terminate although I did regret it. Looking back, if I DID have those babies...I would not be where I am today in my profession and my income helps pay the bills to keep our home. I was able to move on from the terminations mentally but it still haunts me to this day. It's a horrible secret. We really enjoy our freedom and independent kids. It's a tough decision in my mind but I honestly don't think I can handle a baby at my age. We cannot afford childcare and I do not want to quit my job to stay home again... My job is the best thing that's happened to me. I'm torn because this is it. Last chance... I'm already pregnant. My termination is scheduled in 4 days.