How did you decide what to do?

[Pootiepie]

I’ve just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant at 43. I’ve never wanted kids and neither has my partner (I’m in a loving long-term relationship).

I’m still in disbelief and denial but I know I can’t just pretend it’s not happening. Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation, especially how you decided what to do. The logical thing for many reasons is to have a termination, yet it doesn’t feel like a straightforward decision. I suppose it’s all very well in theory to say I’d terminate, but it’s different now that I’m facing the reality of it. And of course, I don’t even know what the reality of termination actually is. I know nothing about any of this!

I want to talk to some of my close friends but at the same time I don’t want them to know. Argh, what a mind f*ck!

Any advice from people who have been through similar?

How far on in the pregnancy are you op?

According to online calculators, 6 weeks and 4 days. I have a gp phone appointment tomorrow.

I think you are wise not to talk to friends, Pootiepie.

Nobody can advise you, the decision about whether or not to go ahead with pregnancy has to be yours and your partners (mainly yours).

Sit down together and make a list of all the reasons you have never wanted children, then a list of the differences having a child would make to your lives. That might help you make a decision but as you are finding out, it isn't straightforward because emotions are involved.

All the very best to you, I wish life was simpler for you as it was a few weeks ago but you are where you are. You'll have plenty of support on here whatever you do.

Thanks @Lynda07 We’ve spent the weekend going round in circles. I keep coming back to the fact I (we) don’t want a child, but as soon as I think that means termination, I hesitate. We did speak to a counselor yesterday and have been reading a lot on here which is very helpful. It’s good to know there are strangers here who will give support and advice.

I had a termination a few years ago and I just had an immediate, visceral ‘I don’t want this’ response to finding out I was pregnant. I did think it through for a couple of days before booking my appointment but ultimately I knew in my heart that I could not continue the pregnancy.

You're doing exactly the right thing... taking your time, talking to a counsellor. Can you put your finger on why you hesitate? Can you explain why you don't want kids? Was it a decision made a long time ago and you've always just stuck with it?!

@Hopefulhen how did it feel afterwards (if you are able to say)? Not physically but emotionally - did you have regrets?

@stardust40 good questions. I hesitate because even although I am pro choice it doesn’t feel good to terminate for ultimately nothing other than ‘selfish’ reasons. We’re in a good relationship, we could flex work and manage financially, I’m sure it would be fine and we’d be good parents, but I simply don’t want a child and the lifestyle changes it would bring.

I’ve never wanted kids, since I was about 20 (before then I always just assumed I would without ever really thinking about it). I can literally only remember one solitary occasion when I felt a maternal/clucky pang when visiting a new baby. But even years ago in my 20s in a long-term relationship (marriage actually) I didn’t feel the desire and couldn’t see it. I always said ‘never say never’ in case there was a tiny chance I might change my mind but about 3 years ago we discussed it at length and closed the door fully. I have in the last few days been questioning myself as to whether it’s really true I don’t want them and it still feels true.

The other hesitation is since the chances of conceiving at this age without trying are so low, it feels like spitting in the face of nature to throw it away. But I could run with the story ‘it must be meant to be’ or equally go with another story like ‘this is to test whether you deep down wanted one’.

I wrote all my pros and cons on post its and looking at the bigger pile kind of helped focus in on what I was feeling. It was very very hard (and ultimately taken out of my hands). I also was surprised at how I felt after it had happened so it was very confusing. Definitely take a while to think about it. It’s a head fuck.

I recently had a surgical abortion. There were some pregnancy complications, and physically, financially, emotionally we both knew we just could not go ahead with the pregnancy. It was awful and heartbreaking, but I felt 100% sure it was the right decision for us. The termination itself was absolutely fine, not something I’d look forward to but not awful either.

@Queenoftheashes and @ginfling thank you for sharing and sorry for what you have had to deal with.

A tiny part of me hopes it will be taken out of our hands too or that other things will make it a more straightforward decision but that doesn’t feel like a good thing to wish for. It really is a head fuck

I’ve just been through a medical abortion but I knew immediately that’s what I wanted to do.
When I spoke to BPAS the nurse was lovely and she also offered for me to speak to a counsellor if I was unsure. I think writing everything down, then talking to your GP will certainly help. Ultimately only you know what is right for you.

@Pootiepie it is such a difficult decision - even when you’ve been pro-choice before, it’s a different kettle of fish when it’s you! I honestly wished we’d just had a miscarriage so we didn’t have to decide, which is the worst thing to wish for, but it was just such an awful thing to have to decide on. Take all the counselling you can get, and take your time - you’re still very early on, so you have a few weeks to make a decision. The hardest part for me was being convinced my husband was as sure as I was - I was so scared he would change his mind or regret it. So just be as open and honest with each other as you can, you have to have complete trust in each other at this time so that you come through this together. Sending you both lots of love and strength, whatever you decide.

Thanks @Winnie20 and @ginfling. And I know what you mean about ensuring he is feeling the same - we want to make an aligned decision yet know it’s me who has the final say and it would be awful if he then resented the decision.

I guess after I talk to the GP things will become clearer. I don’t live in the UK any more so don’t know if it’s the same but it seems here that up to 9 weeks they do a medical and after that it’s surgical. And I will need a scan, which I assume means seeing/hearing something that might make it even harder. Although if any abnormalities showed we know that would make it easier to decide.

Yeah I have to say it was a relief when I started bleeding. I think mostly because I didn’t have to make a decision. I know exactly what you mean about hoping future events will make it more straightforward. I think I was hoping a medical appointment would give me clarity either way so I would have been waiting until the last possible minute to make a decision. It’s such a massive shock it’s so hard to know what to do for the best.

How are you doing OP?
You’re right, it’s a total mind f* and when you’re in that awful position it feels there’s no way out.

I had a medical procedure 3 weeks ago. I have two very young children and a small age gap and another child just wasn’t something I could see us doing, happily. For me, that was the biggest indicator of what was the best decision. Happy.

Yes another child would bring all sorts of positives to our lives but I knew, deep down, another pregnancy 9 months after the last, being pregnant with a toddler and baby, lockdown and just life with another little person in our lives wasn’t something I was physically or mentally capable of doing. Our family is complete and I couldn’t imagine the future as a 5.

We made a list and I changed my mind almost hourly for 2 weeks. I cancelled appointments at the clinic and it took me a week to have the courage to take the tablet. However, as soon as I did, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. Yes it was sad, so very sad, but I knew deep down that I just couldn’t go through with the pregnancy.

You have time on your side- take another week.

Here to chat if you’d like to PM x

I had a termination 3 years ago. I knew immediately that I didn't want to continue with the pregnancy, but that doesn't mean it's not upsetting.

I didn't have any regrets. I do sometimes fleetingly wonder what life would be like if we had gone ahead, but not in a way that makes me wish I had.

I would stress I do have 2 dc already. Much love to you.

I’m doing ok thanks @sunandrose. A bit like you were, changing my mind all the time. Spoke to a GP yesterday and she was amazing. I can go to see her tomorrow if I want for some checks and an obstetrician referral. I have also been in touch with the clinic re termination and am getting bloods and a scan. So still looking at both options really.

Like @Queenoftheashes said I feel if it’s taken out of my hands it would be a relief. But that also feels like a cop out and I think I need to actually make the decision. Last night I realized that I am curious to have the experience of motherhood, even though I don’t want children (makes sense, huh?!) It’s almost like I’d like to do it if it wasn’t such a long-term commitment. Helpful.

@AnxiousElephant77 I think I always assumed I’d know instantly if I was ever in this position, so it’s quite weird that it isn’t that immediate obvious decision.

Thank you all for your comments and sharing your stories.