Hating how my life is right now need help!!!

[Shell23]

Im feel so depressed. I've been in a year long relationship that's been very rocky due to mistreatment and substance abuse on his behalf. During lockdown I started to read self care books and was working towards finally fixing my life and making it better...I was working up the courage to leave him and focus on myself when of course I got hit with a positive pregnancy test. I've had a previous abortion before very early in to my pregnancy, it was horrendous and I would never wish to relive it again. This time round I'm coming up to my second trimester, being 11 weeks and I'm aware by the time I have the termination I'll have a fully developed baby growing inside me. I feel so trapped by this. I'm only 23 and haven't got any type of stability in my life let alone done half the things I want to do and now I have something that will continounsely connect me to the guy I wanted to escape from. I know life never goes to plan but I didnt see him in my future, I dont even know if I love him anymore, i wanted so much for myself and now i feel like it's been taken from me. I dont know if I have the guts to end this nightmare and have the abortion, I'm booked in to speak to an advisor. In the mean time my oh is persisting me and complaining about our lack of intimacy and I feel so entirely miserable. Every day I wake up and just look forward to going back to sleep. I dont know how this all went so wrong. I feel like my choice is either to get rid of him, but in return get rid of an innocent life that is not at fault and doesnt deserve to suffer from our mistakes, or bare with the pregnancy and deal with a life long 18 years of suffering. I dont want to look at this baby and feel resentment, but I dont want to regret a termination all over again. I know having a baby doesnt mean I cant achieve any of my goals, but it will change my life in a way that I'm not ready to sacrifice yet. Any advice would be welcome please. I know no one can give me the answer but I really need to speak to someone about this.

If the father mistreats you and has substance abuse problems, and you don't want to be a parent yet, that isn't a great situation. I think in your shoes I would choose termination.

You must make your own choice but if you are 11 weeks there are still plenty of options and you will be seen quickly - an appointment certainly won’t take weeks. Contact bpas or Marie stopes who can also provide telephone counselling.

It doesn't sound like you are in the position to have a baby or really want to. I'd suggest calling BPAS or Marie stopes even if it is just to talk it through with someone initially

And please don't fall into the trap of thinking a baby will change your boyfriend, it really really won't & might actually cause abuse to escalate

@Dancingbea I've already contact marie stopes, had the telephone consultation then went to the clinic to have tests and scan. I had a termination booked on for last monday but postponed it to speak to a counsellor which will be tomorrow. All I have to do is say the word and I'll have a termination re booked. I have all my options laid out in front of my just need to do the hard part and decide

@Nquartz I really dont infact I think quite the opposite. I'm not naive enough to think a pregnancy will change him he is beyond that and made it crystal clear our whole relationship that he wouldn't change. I want to be free or him not trap him in closer to me. If I am to go down the pregnancy route I've already expressed to him how I think it's best he doesnt be involved due to his addiction problems and lack of maturity. If I knew I could have this baby without being tied to him or his family for nery two decades I would be more inclined to go through with it

In your shoes and with what you've said about your partner I would have a termination. Not only would you be tied to this man but you would be saddling your child with someone who sounds like he would be an awful parent. Do you want that for your child? You are young, you have plans, go and do what you want with your life.

@redastherose I understand this better than anyone....I've even had irrational thoughts on leaving him, and just having the baby on my own. But I assume theres aload of legal rights that will get involved there and he would find out somehow. But that's how desperate this situation is making me. I dont want to face an abortion again, and hate having to consider this. I want to be able to do what I feel is right

If you desperately want the baby but don't want him involved in any way can you just leave and start again somewhere else away from him and his family? That is the only option for him not finding out! Then you face having to do it all on your own and the worry of whether your child will resent not having a father in their life. I know it isn't easy either way and a terrible position to be in but what is your best option for a better life in the long run? Only you know really how you feel about having a child which will completely change your life forever versus your feelings about a termination.

My mum had me at 23. My birth dad, or I’d rather call him a sperm donor, upped and left when I was 1 and I’ve never seen him again. He did a lot less damage by leaving than if he’d have stayed, or if my mum had tried to push contact more.

I think it would be unlikely for a child to resent their mother for not including a deadbeat, negative dad, unless they had a problematic relationship with their mum. I gained a great step-dad who’s shown me everything a man should be, and some amazing half-siblings who I could be second mother to. I know everyone has a different story and I’ve been fortunate.

It just sounds like a decent chunk of you would like this baby and the main hindrance is your DP and his family. I don’t know what I’d do in your situation, but just know that it’s not all bleak and it’s worth looking at the legal elements. Sending you lots of strength.

@Spoons1987 I hope you dont mind me asking how your mum went about explaining this to you. Your dad left at such an early age so I'm assuming somewhere along the lines you must of wondered what happened and your mum told you. It's relieving to know not all children would grow up to hold it against their parent. It really is for the childs best interest but I'm afraid my baby may not understand that, and I'm afraid if they question why they dont have a dad like everyone else. Coming from a person that grew up in a dysfunctional household I know very well not having a toxic parent around is better than having them there, but obviously I've had 23 years to realise this myself

@Shell23 I don’t remember a specific conversation. I think I remember being about 5 and realising that other children had dads and I didn’t. I know the general story my mum gave me was ‘he very much wanted me and loved me more than anything but he didn’t know how to be a dad and to make being a daddy the most important thing’. When I got to about 17 I did have some anger, but my mum did some digging through old mutual friends and found that he’s repeated the same pattern of behaviour over and over with other women and children. That helped it seem less personal to me at a time when I had some self blame.

As I got older my mum did share the negatives about him - the fact he fled and refused to pay child support, the numerous times he cheated, her suspicions that he was using sex workers etc. Alongside that she always said he could charm anyone and had an amazing sense of humour and the bluest eyes. I can see why she fell in love with him and how I came to exist, but I’m equally so glad he wasn’t around as a role model. It’s never crossed my mind to resent her.

I know you can’t predict life like this, but I think it also helped that she gave me stability. It was just us for 6 years and then she met my step dad and they’ve been together ever since. Perhaps I would have felt differently if she had brought many men into my life and I’d less stability? It must be so many factors that make or break these situations and only you know which ones you can realistically control. I hope that helps. I’ve waffled on!

I'm sorry you are in such a bad situation, but it is what it is, so you need to think carefully about your choices and not let emotion get in the way.

As I see it your boyfriend is an utter waste of space, will not be supportive and will not be a good father. Not at this time. The relationship was clearly at an end before the pregnancy.

You don't have supportive family to help you so this is all on you if you continue with the pg.

With a baby you are committed for a very long time to come. Your chances of getting training, a job, a decent partner and a home for yourself are reduced massively, plus the mental challenge of being a single mum. The cards are really stacked against that being an easy experience for you. Not impossible, nothing is, but very hard.

Don't let your previous abortion cloud your judgement. No one will judge you. I had a 12 week termination under anaesthetic and it wasn't difficult physically. I was in a similar situation and knew I would lose so much if I carried on with it. I feel sad at that decision and loss, especially as I'm now in a good relationship with children who are really wanted. I've also trained for a very good job. None of which would have happened (or at least no easily) if I'd continued with the pregnancy.

At 23 you have your whole life ahead to make good choices. I just hope you make the right one this time, no matter what it is.

I've had a talk with a counsellor today...it seems very apparent to me I must go down the termination route. But I cant help but just cry. I feel like I'm grieving. I feel like a failure for not being able to continue two pregnancy, and even though I know this is most likely for the best for my future it doesnt make me feel any better. Thanks everyone for their advice. Just got to get myself together now to have the courage to go through with it

Sending you so much strength. You can do this and there’ll be brighter days in your future

I, at a similar age to you, was pregnant to someone who was abusive in lots of ways and decided I just couldn't be attached to him forever more through a child I knew he'd use to control me. At the time I wasn't strong enough to leave him and had the termination secretly. I think I was about 10 weeks pregnant. Fifteen years on I absolutely do not regret the decision, I was so sad I had to make that decision for the reason I did but for me it was the start of really picking my life up and gaining some self worth. I look back with nothing but relief.
If you feel the termination is the right thing for you to do, you will look back on it as something you did to look after yourself and free yourself from an abusive partner. I really wish you the best.

For very many reasons, I felt that I could not continue with a pregnancy (I was married and already had two dc).
I was around the same gestation as you when I had a termination.
Did I feel terrible about it? Yes.
Did I know it was absolutely the right thing to do? Yes.
You have to make the right decision for you, in your current situation, as difficult as that may be, so please don't think I'm trying to influence you - I'm just trying to show you that others have been there before you.
Whatever you decide, OP, I wish you well.