Unsure if an abortion is the correct thing to do

[HereToLetOffBurdens]

Hi everyone

I wanted to post in here as I have told my close friends the situation and they have obviously supported my choice and agreed with me but I feel like they’re doing this just to be friends.

I have been off the injection for over a year and a half and was giving myself a break as I’ve swapped and changed contraception for 7 years. I had got to the point of thinking I was infertile after no scares. Then I suddenly missed my period. Two tests confirmed pregnancy. I have only been with my partner 7 months, we have just moved in together and I am an NQT who is not far off completing my nqt year. I always said in this situation I would abort. When this actually happens it’s completely different. My other half has a 2 year old with his ex, they split up during her pregnancy. Because of having her around and being like a step mom and seeing my other half with her, it made me warm to a family.

I am still young (23) and I still have so much more I want to do with my life; I still love to party and do what I like, and my and my other half still wants to travel and do lots of things as a couple. However I am so torn between the idea of a family with this man and still living my life. I am telling myself that a family can come in the future.

We decided to terminate pregnancy due to us not being 100% on it and wanting to do stuff together. However I can’t lie, it’s all got a bit too much for me to handle. My mom is dead against it- I knew she would be, begged me not to do it and live my life first. She had her first child young so I can understand.

I have taken the first stage of abortion pill tonight however I can’t shake the feeling of guilt and overwhelming emotion I am feeling. To make it worse my partner has had the little one over the weekend and it has killed me. Seeing him with her and things has really taken its toll on me. The one feeling I can’t shake is that he chose to keep the baby with a woman he said he couldn’t see a future with, and yet with me he was swaying towards a termination. I have cried and cried over this and told him, he understands but then gets mad that I’m comparing our situation to his past. I just can’t shake this feeling - if he really loves me and says he wants kids with me in the future then why does he not want to keep it?

I just keep picturing this moment of his ex telling him she’s pregnant and the celebration and excitement, then there’s the shock and emotionless reaction I received.

I can’t shake it out my head and if I’m honest it’s breaking me in two. I’m sat crying in the toilet right now as I feel so alone and everytime I raise the issue he hates that I’m bringing up his past.

I don’t know if anyone on hear will have some kind words or advice, please tell me what you think. I just need someone to turn to

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I'm with your mum on this, I'm afraid. You're so young and your relationship is so new and he has the responsibility of his child anyway. If you have a child with him you will have contact with him (and his family) for good - even when your child's an adult. It's never-ending. It's a really shit situation to be in.

I would finish your NQT year and live the life you'd planned for yourself. Your time to have a baby will come and you might not still be with this man. I'd surround yourself with your friends and your mum and take care of yourself now.

Poor you
It sounds like you decided to have a termination for sensible reasons- your career, your age and the newness of your relationship. So don't beat yourself up that logical brain and emotional brain are thinking different things. Be kind to yourself.

Do you actually know how DP reacted when his ex got pregnant? Maybe you are imagining something much more positive than it actually was. Also your DP knows what babies entail now, he didnt then. So there are lots of reasons why he may have reacted how he did, that are nothing to do with how he feels about you or having children with you in future.

Its totally fine to grieve for this baby but still know you made the right decision for yourself

You can feel sad about doing the right thing.

There's so much of life to so before having children. I made the same decision as you when I was 17, spent the next 16 years living life and was totally content when I had my dd in my 30s.

I think you have to give up a lot to be a great parent and I was so determined to be a great parent, I wouldn't have children until I was totally ready to make those sacrifices. DD doesn't like me going out much - I don't go out much, dd breastfed night and day for 18 months - I slept less and ate more, dd gets fed up in the middle of a meal/film/walk/day trip - I cut it short and do something else. My life is all about her and I'm fine with that, now.

I think your partner associates any children with the pain and sense of loss he feels living away from his first child and isn't ready to risk that happening again.

You never know what's around the corner. All you can do is what's best for you right now.

Take Dp out of the equation regarding the baby.

What do you want to do? Do you want a baby or not? In this day and age, women can go it alone,although it may be tough. Will you mother provide support and childcare so you can finish your course?

Think about why you are crying. is it because if the abortion, or XP’s response?

Think also about the future. Will you regret more not having the baby, or having the baby?

My mil once said to me toss a coin. Before it’s landed you’ll know the answer, as you’ll be wishing for that outcome.

@QuentinWinters I don’t know, I will hold my hands up and completely agree that o probably am thinking it all up when in reality it wasn’t like that. I have just been very upset and he found me and I broke down telling him everything I mentioned above. When I told him about this stupid vision of the celebrations in my head he said no not at all you’re being silly. Obviously he didn’t go into details; I think he knew I waS upset and hurting enough

@KellyHall I guess so. He is older than me (28) and always said he didn’t want to be a dad much older than 30. Although he has now said that this has changed and he’s not bothered anymore as it will happen whenever the time is right. That’s a good point about the pain of leaving his first child, I suppose I never thought of it that way. I do feel confident that he loves me and sees a future with me, just this whole situation puts a bit of a twist in it and clouds my vision.

I have finished my course I just have to finish my qualification year which would be finished before baby anyway, but no I wouldn’t want to do it alone. The upset and emotions was from both- the ex situation, the feeling that he doesn’t want it with me and the emotions associated with having an abortion