I can't decide whether to keep the baby or not.

[Gh3tt0ing]

I know this is a common predicament, but I've never felt so ambivalent and confused about anything in my entire life and I'm just hoping I can get some support from people who've had the same struggle.

I'm 32 years old and I fell pregnant unexpectedly. I'm 9 weeks along at the moment, I found out at 4-5 weeks. I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant due to underlying medical reasons and my partner was also told that it was 'extremely unlikely' he'd ever get anyone pregnant, so the whole idea of pregnancy was never really on our radar. I'd never really wanted children or even given it a lot of thought, I just accepted that it wasn't meant to be for me and that was absolutely fine. Practically speaking, I'm not in any position to have a child. I've been unwell for the past couple of years so my career got put on hold, I've no money whatsoever and I've been staying with family while I've been trying to rebuild my life. My own mental health is a huge concern and I don't handle stress very well. I know that on paper having a child is a horrible idea - so why does it still feel so impossible to end it? I know I'm going to have regrets either way and I just feel so utterly trapped by the decision I have to make. One day, I'll be completely set in my mind to have the termination; but the next day the thought of it absolutely breaks my heart and I just can't stand the idea of it being over.

I feel like I can't have this baby because of practical reasons, but I want so badly for it to be possible. I never even knew I wanted it until I had it in front of me and now I don't think I'll ever be able to come back from the horrible decision I have to make. My partner was so happy and excited when I told him I was pregnant - I was expecting him to devastated about it and completely set on not keeping it, but instead he was the complete opposite and that's just making everything so much harder. I know it's so horrible, but at my dating scan a part of me had hoped that there'd be something wrong so that the decision would be out of my hands and it would just be nature. That it simply wasn't meant to be, you know? I'm so, so sad. I don't have the words to express it.

This was such a fluke, the odds of it happening were so infinitesimal, what if it never happens again? What if there's no chance for me to try again when my circumstances have changed? What if I go ahead with it and my mental health takes a nose dive and I can't cope? What if that happens anyway if I do decide to have a termination? It's going to be so traumatic. My partner has been very supportive and he's reiterated many times that he'll be there no matter what I decide - but I know deep down he'll resent me on some level. Who wouldn't? What can I do for money? Where will I live? What if I go ahead with it, he leaves and I'm left by myself to care for a baby. This is all just too much and I have no idea what I'm doing.

And I know this seems like such a silly thing to be hung up on, but I keep thinking that if I get the termination, I'll never know if the baby is a boy or a girl. I'll never know if it's a 'he' or a 'she', so it'll just be an 'it' forever and I hate that. I want to be able to grieve properly but I won't even know if I had a son or a daughter.

I feel so guilty. Just lots of silly things keep flying around my head. The pregnancy so far has been so smooth sailing. I've had no nausea at all, no real symptoms, I feel pretty great overall and in a way that makes it worse because the poor little thing isn't bothering me at all. I feel so stupid writing that but it's honestly where my thoughts keep going. I have to do this awful thing and it doesn't deserve it at all. I can't stop thinking about the person it could grow up to be.

I'm sorry, I'm really waffling on here. When I started writing I had a clear, logical set of points I wanted to get across and questions to ask but instead I've just gotten muddled and now I'm too upset to write anymore.

I'm sorry. Thank you for letting me vent. I haven't been able to discuss anything outside of my relationship and obviously that's hard because my partner clouds my view, even though he doesn't mean to. I don't have any friends I'm comfortable discussing it with and I don't want to tell my family because I'm not completely sure what I want yet.

I'd be really grateful to hear of your experiences with anything similar.

Handhold from me. Only you can decide and dont rush into a decision but obv the earlier you are the easier it will be if you decide to terminate. I had a miscarriage and then a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks I now have a 11 month old daughter and took my second lot of tablets yesterday to end a 6 week pregnancy which was a hard decision but the right one for me and my family and my mental health which I had to put first. I feel at peace now with my decision. If it's what you want you will make it work maybe contact bpas or marie stopes and discuss your options. The midwife told me to book in for a termination and if I couldn't do it/got a strong feeling not to that was the answer. Here to talk xx

Thank you so much for the kind words. I hope you're doing okay. Xx

I want to start by saying I'm pro-choice and this is your decision, but it really sounds like you want this baby and will be heartbroken by a termination. You're talking about wanting to know if it's a boy or a girl, and your partner is happy about the pregnancy and sounds supportive. You say you "want so badly" for it to be possible to have the baby. If financial considerations are the only reason and both of you truly want to become parents to this baby, I really worry that you'll regret a decision to terminate. None of us can predict our financial situations going forward, but there is financial support available, and plenty of children are brought up happily in homes with very little money but lots of love. I am by no means judging you if you do decide to terminate, but unlike other posts on MN, it doesn't seem like you're comfortable with the decision at all.

I have to agree with blue moon. I'm completely pro choice but by the end of your post it sounds like you do want the baby and if you do, then I think that's the way you have to take (if you didn't want it then it would be a different story). I think the fact that you are both very unlikely to ever conceive again also has an impact on your decision.

In terms of financial support, if you're not fit for work are you claiming UC at the moment? Can you live with your partner and can he financially support you? Do your think your parents would help? Is there a possibility of you ever working again in the future? If so, looking at childcare costs would be good too.

Flowers and hope you're ok.

Oh Wow! What a head mash. Can you write down a list of the pros and cons. I do that and when I've done the numbered list my heart then steps in to decide for me, as it def cant be just a practical decision especially given this one in a million miracle and your partner reaction! It sounds like a chance to grab with both hands!! and something to get your life on track for! However, in my experience (2 kids & lots of friends) you will be doing 95% of the work no matter how nice your partner. Good luck with your decision XXX 😘👶👩🏻

Hey,
I was in your position last August. I'm 26 and just got into uni. I had quit my job to have some time before uni, live with my boyfriends family, he had just started a new job after quitting the one he had been in for years.... Realistically we were in no position to have a baby. Like you I had been suffering mental health issues, had been working on them and found myself in a great head space for starting uni! 2wks before starting I found out I was 10wks pregnant, had been experiencing some heartburn but put it down to bad diet (only symptom I had through pregnancy) I went back and forth trying to decide, spent 4wks in & out of the clinic it was complete hell. Ultimately we decided not to but at the last minute I realised that all the reasons not to were just obstacles to overcome. I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl last month and even among all this chaos I know I made the right choice. I'm on universal credit, deferred uni & am going back in September, still living with boyfriends family but we have so much support. Life always gives us challenges and even though it doesn't feel like it, we do overcome them. Whatever choice you make it will be okay, it helped me to imagine life (good & bad) with a baby and without. Best of luck xxx

OP let me reassure you there is no such thing as financial difficulty BECAUSE of a child the government actually does everything to give you as much as you need including a home if you need, please never let money be a reason you wouldn't want the child.

You put your career on hold and when you're ready to go back, baby will not change that, you can get 85% of nursery fees back through UC because you're working.

If you and partner have 1% in you that you want the baby, have the baby. Don't live with regret as like you say it may be your only chance. This baby is so precious, defied all the odds that drs told you and happened.
It's hard for the first year or so but it's also the times you look back and are most proud of

Oh absolutely yes there are such things as financial difficulties when having a baby and not jus for a year! And I didn't realise that government was here for all who just wants a baby. What an unrealistic post this is.
OP the choice is difficult to make of course. And the choice is whether you feel that you can struggle through or you feel that you cannot. I am sure if you looked into how many times doctors were wrong about someone's fertility it might reassure you for the future. But ultimately, you are right there are many factors to consider when making a decision, and there is no right or wrong decision.

Bless you both. I would have the child in your position as it seems as though you’re unlikely to fall pregnant again. How would your family react if you think?

One way is to flip a coin then see how you feel when the coin lands. If you're happy then it's the right decision if you're sad then it's not. Your gut feel on the coin toss will tell you how you really feel. Or so I'm told, I've never tried this. I'm more for making lists of pros and cons and after than, go with gut feeling.

I feel pregnant at 27....abusive relationship, family not supporting me, not in a great financial position and my head said not to continue with it. But I just couldn’t go through with a termination. It kept getting postponed, once by hospital and once by me. I was in a terrible place, drinking most nights because I couldn’t deal with anything. Anyway to cut a longer story shorter, I kept the baby. Worried witless about my drinking for the remaining months but thankfully gave birth to a healthy boy. Wouldn’t change it for the world - except the turning to drink bit!
You’ll do what’s best for you. Don’t feel pressured by anyone else.

What would you tell your friend/sister to do?

Wander what the outcome was 😍