Feeling so emotionally deflated.
I am in early 40s. Have a boyfriend of 3.5 years. Things are ok but not progressing. Also have 2 DC of my own from previous marriage and he has DC too.
This is the second time I fell pregnant in this relationship. The first one just few months in (contraception failure), I had medical at 6.5 weeks and it went ok, boyfriend supported me but we sworn, never again.
My cycle is like a clockwork and we use condoms and natural planning, meaning a bit more relaxed in the beginning and end of a cycle.
January this year I started keto diet - need to lose weight. Hated it but stuck religiously for over 2 weeks. Little did I know it screwed my cycle. We did relax around the time my period was meant to come, but it never did. I didn't think much about it, but once my period was 10 days late and pregnancy test negative I ran to GP and asked for blood test, also negative. Over 2 weeks late and I finally got the faintest positive (that would make conception around 33 day of cycle!!) I knew what I had to do - arranged MS and went this morning. They confirmed positive pregnancy test but couldn't see in the scan as too early (although if followed by period date I would be 7 week pregnant) so said legally cannot do anything and let me go home and rebook the termination.
Needless to say I am gutted. 12 day wait until the termination day 
I also have no courage of telling my boyfriend, I would feel like this abortion monster, it is my fault, I told him it was safe. I am worried he would think less of me. Not only I have to wait, I need to pick up my DC just after taking the pill and need to lie to my boyfriend why he cannot come to mine that evening.
I am also gutted that this is sort of my last chance to have DC3, which I did want if the circumstances were right (more progressed in relationship), I would have been 42. I cannot allowed this to happen again, a coil is recommended for my age meaning goodbye for my last chance. My relationship is not without it's issues, but I feel we could make it work, a baby was something we were going to discuss and sort of make a final decision about it and it was more likely that we don't need more children, now that this pregnancy here I feel shaken. In another lifetime I would go for it. In this life I'd probably undermine my relationship, my DC's wellbeing and my other life plans...
I just wanted it to be done and over. Now I have 12 days to dwell on in, afraid my emotions will eat me alive. No one to talk to, I am on my own. Sorry for the vent. Fecking keto diet 