First post, advice please

[Nad39]

Hi, first of all a bit of background, I’m 39 and I have 4 children that range in age from 19 to 4 and one step daughter who is 10, I have custody of her. my 19 year old doesn’t live with me so I have 4 children in the house.
I’m recently married and my husband is amazing. He is the father of my 4 year old. The others are from a previous DV relationship.
Around 10 years ago I had a termination at 12 weeks, it was using the medical procedure, I was absolutely traumatised as nobody warned me what I would see however due to the fact my partner was violent I know I made the right choice. Fast forward to now and I find myself at 11 weeks pregnant. I’m booked in for a surgical termination with general anaesthetic on Friday. I’ve decided on this option as I could never cope with seeing that again. However I’m not sure if I’m undecided or just scared. I’ve been a nightmare to live with, teary, moody, snappy etc. We decided to terminate based on the fact we already have 4 children in the home so no room plus my age and I’m not sure if I’m prepared to start again, my son is autistic and we are back and forth court with my step daughters mother after she emotionally abused her. my husband has made it clear he’d prefer go ahead with the termination but that he’d support me if I wanted the baby. The closer the time is coming the more anxious I’m getting 😭 part of me would love a baby but I’m so conscious of the fact it would have implications on the family I already have, I feel selfish for considering having another but so guilty about aborting

Hi op, it sounds like you're having a really tough time, but all your decisions sound really sensible.

I'm really surprised that you were given a medical termination at 12 weeks, I can only imagine how truely horrific that must have been (I had one at 10.5 and it was really, really horrid). I was under the impression that MedicalAs weren't suitable for people who were over ten weeks pregnant (due to the extra size and pain) but perhaps things were different ten years ago.
Anyway, - You're doing the right thing by going surgical - it'll be a completely different experience, and you'll be totally unaware of it.

Please don't feel bad about it - you're doing the right thing for your current family, which is the most important thing xx

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I had the procedure today it was a lot more positive than my previous experience. I cried non stop before hand but I’ve been unnervingly calm since. Wether this is a good sign remains to be seen. My intentions were pure, all for the sake of my family, however I feel unbelievably guilty for my decision. I just hope I can live with it.
As far as I’m aware they offer the medical procedure is carried out up until 24 weeks now, just using a much higher dosage of medication. I suppose protocol could be different in different areas though. Who knows. Thank you again for taking the time to reply, it’s much appreciated x