Divorcing, 6 weeks pregnant with someone else. Long post sorry.

[Lollywillowes]

Hi there,

My stbxh separated over a year ago. He was and still is in another relationship. We haven't finalised the divorce details and have two DCs (5 and 7). It was a very traumatic break up for me, i was a sahm and there had been problems in our relationship for a long time. One of the factors was that I wanted a third child. He didnt. When I discovered a year ago what he had been up to I was crushed. Anyway, it's taken me this year to put myself back together and I am currently working full time in the middle of teacher training and really enjoying it, juggling the children at school. STBXH sees them regularly.

I started dating someone I have known for a long time about a month ago and last week I found out i was pregnant.

Logically I know it would be madness to have it. The man I am dating is supportive but also made it clear he doesn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy. He would like to in a year or so. In a year or so I would have completed my NQT year, DCs will in theory have met the new man (not under pressured circumstances of 'this is baby daddy') etcetc. However having had my 2 DCs and feeling as pregnant as I do I cannot face the fact of terminating it.

I have a medical termination booked in on wednesday and I have a lovely friend who is coming with me, but I cannot imagine taking the pills. Also I feel such rage towards the man. That he cannot experience what I am experiencing (I feel SO pregnant - sore boobs, sick, bloated, cramping, hungry, nauseous) and that he wont go through the horror. He doesnt live in the same part of the country as me. I asked him to be with me when it happens and he said no because of his work. That he could come down the night before and go the morning of. He is trying but it just doesnt feel good enough. I also feel distrustful that he will be in a place in a years time to have a baby. He keeps saying it is not fair on my other children and that this is not the way he wants to be introduced to my children or to my STBXH. He thinks it will create bad feeling.

I don't know whether he is a wrong un, whether it's just the hormones talking making me feel so desperately broody, or whether this is my last chance. I am 37. My head tells me it's a no-brainer and to terminate; I don't even know if this new relationship is right especially as my heart is still grieving my marriage... but then again my heart tells me I never felt termination was for me and I have always wanted another child. Please help me see sense.

You sound like you want this baby. You can do it. There is never a right time. Don't let him push you into anything.

If you want to keep the baby then you should, but you need to be fully aware you will be going this alone. Your boyfriend has made it clear he will not be sticking around.

You seem to already know the lay of the land. He won't be there as a partner or parent. It's just you. If you can afford this and if you want this, then do as you wish. I believe everyone needs the option to decide, but I don't believe choosing is easy, whichever path you choose. I know what you mean when you say that because you have children already the idea of termination is much more complicated. I suppose you need to consider what the future would look like for you and your children, if you go ahead with this pregnancy.

Also, he is a fucking TWAT for not coming with you to the appointment. That is a massive red flag for me. Spineless. I could not continue a relationship with a man who treated me in that manner. Wanker

Never let yourself be pushed into a termination that you don't want. It sounds like you are likely to be a single parent, but a third child is important to you and has been for a long time. You are already experiencing how you will feel towards him afterwards, the relationship is dead in the water if you do this while he may well come round if you don't. There is never a right time.

Oh I do not envy you, logic and heart at conflict. You are going to have to factor in how your other two children will cope. They’ve been through a lot, they are still going through a lot. All siblings feel pushed out when a baby comes along, but to have seen their parents split up due to dads infidelity and then find out you have been seeing someone, and be close enough to have a baby with, they might feel they are being deceived and not a top priority in both parents lives.

Also with this current government I wouldn’t want to rely on welfare state to see you through.

Please be very careful in your decision. It sounds heartbreaking all round. I hope you have good friends and family around.

Btw the father (both) have shown you a lack of respect. I wouldn’t want a relationship with either of them.

Think very carefully before continuing with this pregnancy. You are really enjoying this new you, teacher training, juggling DC's and saying the final goodbye to your old marriage. Why not give yourself the gift of enjoying this? Revel in it.
Continuing this pregnancy throws you right back to where you were before with the added complication of two fathers and the grief/anger of two relationships gone. It also raises considerable financial difficulties for you. Three children, by yourself, is no joke.
At 6 weeks you have a cluster of cells that are probably smaller than a match head. It is not your last chance for another pregnancy.
It also seems that this man is not a good 'un. In this situation he should have taken responsibility immediately and organized himself to be by your side for the operation without you having to ask. Reflect a little - does that bode well for future trials and tribulaions? Is that the type of man you want? Is that the type of relationship you want?
Good luck.

Ignore the dad. He’s going to be out of the picture after letting you down so badly, and frankly better that he shows his colours now so you’re working with all the information.

Can you defer your PGCE from half way? It should be possible.

You need to decide whether YOU want this baby as a single parent of three. Good luck.

Thank you for your responses. It has been really helpful to wake up to some clear objective povs.

I am approaching this as a single parent. But I think if i were to go ahead he would want to be involved. In a way it would be easier if he didn't. At the centre of it is do I want to become reliant and dependent and answerable to another man by having his baby? That's what I feel it would do to me. And yet the desire to have a third child is all mine. Although irresponsible in terms of money - I can't predict how it would affect me financially.

I feel I have painted the boyf badly. He is self-employed as a builder with little financial stability and needs to finish this job by xmas in order not to be broke. He wants to support me in spirit, always wants to talk to me and checks in on me etc, wanted to come and see me this weekend (but I had DCs so no). I wonder if my feeling of aloneness and male-hatred is just deep-set in me and got nothing to do with him.

But all this ambiguity about my feelings serves to only strengthen the termination option I guess.

How would having this baby affect your two other children?

They should be your priority, not some desire to have a third child.

Having the baby would be incredibly unfair on your other children especially given the upheaval of recent parents separation. Your hormones are trying to convince you should look after the mass of cells inside you but try to think rationally and think of your existing children. Personally I would terminate. Lovely that your friend will accompany you on Wednesday and be supportive. Rethink the other man.

Are you doing your NQT year now? Have you worked long enough to get maternity pay?

I mean the enhanced maternity pay, not the basica

@PotteringAlong No my NQT year starts next September.

I feel like termination is the right choice, but it feels so counterintuitive and like @Ullupullu said, my whole body wants to go ahead ahead with this pregnancy.

@Lollywillowes I can't help but feel that as you are still fairly newly separated, your 'heart' is telling you to go ahead with pregnancy, maybe partly as a way to heal wounds inflicted in your marriage because you couldn't have a very much wanted third baby and because your husband hurt you so deeply.

I think maybe quite a large part of your feelings about this pregnancy originate from past hurt and disappointment and in some sense an opportunity to right 'wrongs'.

Like others, I can't tell you what to do. You say logically it would be madness to have it. You make compelling arguments as to why just about none of the circumstances are right to have a baby and I think you're right. I also imagine it could be very unsettling for your children at a time when stability is extra important.

On paper, if it were me, I would hope I'd recognise that whatever are my hopes and desires relating to a third child and healing those past hurts, that this is not the time or the circumstances to fulfil them.

And I wish you best of luck in whatever you choose to do.