Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Flip

Original poster

I’m pregnant

21 replies

banksy3245 · 14/12/2019 17:19

So it just about happens that I’m 13 weeks pregnant, shocked at first but mixed emotions. I’m 20 years old and my boyfriend is 22, still studying at uni (in my third year). We’ve only been together 5 months. We’ve been for the first scan, and I got to see my precious baby for the first time. We haven’t told anyone, it’s only me and him that knows. But we’re kind of stuck in limbo because he doesn’t want the baby right now, but I do. As it’s so far a long, and we’ve seen it. I’m starting to grown an attachment to it! I just don’t know what to do!

The longer and longer we wait the harder it gets!

OP posts:

Brookerebecca · 14/12/2019 18:31

Speaking from someone that has had a termination it is so tough on your relationship that chances are you will end up resenting the fact he couldn’t support you enough for you to keep the baby resulting in not being with him anyway. Personally I would make this decision for yourself only

Original poster

banksy3245 · 14/12/2019 19:25

The thing is deep down I think if the circumstances were a bit different I.e. if he wasn’t starting uni in September then he’d be more open to it. We have spoken about abortion and seen a counsellor at Marie Stopes, however, I wasn’t comfortable with the concept of abortion. I can’t bring myself yo go through something like that, as I know I’ll regret it. It has been tough because since finding out I’m pregnant, it has put a strain on our relationship. But he’s still stuck by me and been there for moral support, just a shame we don’t want the same thing!

OP posts:

eryn2001 · 14/12/2019 19:40

Firstly, congratulations!!!!
Secondly, I believe that only you know what's right for you and your baby. Having only been with your partner 5 months I understand that this is a huge step but at the end of the day you have created a beautiful little life and it will be so difficult for you to get rid of that small miracle. That might be something you regret for the rest of your life.

However if you believe that having a baby is the wrong thing for you right now then the only option (other than adoption, which is arguably more difficult than termination) is termination. But I also believe that its a decision you shouldn't take lightly, and is one you should make for yourself and yourself alone. Please don't have a termination because a baby is inconvenient for someone else, whatever happens, your baby is your best friend for life but other relationships could be temporary.

I hope everything works out and you have a happy and healthy pregnancy, if that's what's you decide is best for you. Good luck x

Original poster

banksy3245 · 15/12/2019 12:29

Awww thank you so much!

I know it sounds stupid but I don't really know what I want! I'm kind of in the middle with it, but I definitely wouldn't have an abortion for the convenience of my boyfriend or to 'save our relationship'. I've listened to him and his reasoning behind why he doesn't want the baby right now and he does make some valid points.

But it's not like we didn't know what we were doing, if he didn't want to be in this predicament then we should've been moe careful.
But adoption is something we have discussed as well and out of the two - abortion or adoption. Adoption is a lot better, because then at least we'd give another couple a chance to be happy with a new baby. But I think I would regret that as well, as i feel like the baby would end up hating us when it's old enough.

I know there's ways around it, the timing is just a bit off I really wish this didn't happen the beginning of my third year. I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

eryn2001 · 15/12/2019 13:27

Adoption and abortion are two very big deals, pros and cons for both.
If you're already feeling attached to your baby now, would you be able to give him/her up after carrying them to full term? I had a friend in a very similar situation to you, except she was in her second year at uni. She was completely set on giving her baby to, like you said, a couple who were unable to conceive. But she found it difficult to give the baby up once she started to feel her kick.
As it turns out, she kept her baby because she knew she would end up having children with her boyfriend, it was just sooner than anticipated, and universities are so wonderful to young mothers. She was able to finish her degree and take care of her beautiful daughter.
If university is your biggest concern, then please please do some research because there are plenty of things you can do; universities are so supportive so please don't be scared of that.

eryn2001 · 15/12/2019 13:29

And, I forgot to mention, I still plan on going to university once I have given birth. I'm 18 so I haven't actually started uni yet, so maybe it's an option for you to finish later once your baby is born. Whatever you decide to do will be the best thing for you, I wish you the best of luck :) x

Original poster

banksy3245 · 15/12/2019 15:01

I understand that, I have spoken to my SU and they have given me some forms to fill in and I'll need to do a risk assessment when I'm back after a Christmas.
All I want is to finish uni and graduate next year as planned, I don't really want to have to take time out and then go back to finish off my degree. I know that may sound a little selfish, but I just thing longing out my degree when I don't have to, is the better way forward. I know I shouldn't stress myself out and whatever, but I have to think about these things because I literally have 4 months left of uni.

OP posts:

Original poster

banksy3245 · 15/12/2019 15:02

And then that's another thing, it's only me and my boyfriend that knows. Our parents don't know, and I think they're going to be angry and disappointed on both sides. Not really sure if we will have much support tbh.

OP posts:

eryn2001 · 15/12/2019 19:49

Sounds like your mind is pretty made up to me. If you have a termination, would you still tell your parents? Just curious.
And you might have more support than you think. As I said, I'm 18 and I just told my parents literally two days ago. They're both strong Christians and although they were shocked and nervous at first, I caught my mum looking at baby clothes this morning. Wouldn't have predicted that but it warmed my heart.
However as I said, you sound like your mind is pretty made up and there seems to be more cons to keeping the baby than pros for your situation. You have to do what you think is right for you x

Original poster

banksy3245 · 15/12/2019 20:45

I keep swapping and changing my decision because I have so many things to think about all at once. If I did have an abortion, no I wouldn't tell my parents.

My mum is a very religious Christian and stands by the principles in the bible (no sex before marriage) and I know how both my parents would react to this. My dad is the less strict one, but I just don't know whether I'd have that support there, that's why I haven't told them yet as I'm too scared of the backlash.

OP posts:

Original poster

banksy3245 · 15/12/2019 20:46

Can I ask as well, how far gone are you?

OP posts:

headsaway123 · 15/12/2019 20:56

It sounds like you want this little one and if there's a slight chance you do don't go through with an abortion, you will never regret a child but you may regret not having the baby. If he's not willing to be a dad then that's his loss I'm afraid!

Original poster

banksy3245 · 15/12/2019 21:17

He did say he would step up and be there for us, he just doesn't think it's the right time right now.

OP posts:

misspiggy19 · 15/12/2019 21:20

If you decide to keep the baby, I would prepared to be a single mum.

headsaway123 · 15/12/2019 21:23

But when is it ever the right time? There's always going to be something to worry or stress about! You will get there and you will manage with or without your partner

Original poster

banksy3245 · 16/12/2019 16:31

I've been thinking about telling my parents, I need to know that I'll have the support there. Because right now it feels very lonely!

OP posts:

eryn2001 · 18/12/2019 23:33

Did you decide what to do? x

Original poster

banksy3245 · 20/12/2019 09:17

I really don't know what to do, he's explained to me his situation at home. He comes from a very poor family, his mum is sick and his dad is the breadwinner. His dad is a cleaner so doesn't earn much money. He only has his mum and dad as family. The rest of his family are in Ghana, and they're poor as well.

That isn't the life I want for my child, to just be another statistic (growing up without a father). I don't want that and it hurts. 15 weeks and I can feel the baby move! I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Andsbk · 29/12/2019 14:13

Congratulations 🎊

Dawsoncreek · 29/12/2019 14:22

Honestly, I would PERSONALLY have an abortion. He’s very young. It seems to me that if you had the baby, he wouldn’t be involved at all or very much. He seems reluctant. You are also very young and you seem to be on a good path atm. There’s no way I would be compromising my degree & making my life more difficult ( being a single mother, struggling with childcare, completing a degree, graduate schemes).

That’s just me being honest. It’s always up to you.

Original poster

banksy3245 · 01/01/2020 01:28

Thank you for your comment here!

I do plan to have an abortion, I don't think it is the right time and way too early into our relationship. A child is the last thing we need right now! Got an appointment scheduled for this Thursday at the abortion clinic

OP posts:

Flip