Oh god

[icantbecani]

I'm 42. I have 4 lovely children, all quite close in age (12 to 4). I've been waiting expectantly for my period for about 2 weeks but just keep telling myself I'm probably peri. I haven't done a test (I know I know). This morning I started feeling really sick. I've got backache. Fuckity fuck.

Financially we are just about holding it together. My older kids are at private school so we are very stretched and my job is looking a bit wobbly (will totally fall over if I announce this). My husband is relatively secure but he's a bit of a fuckwit financially and spends money we don't have on shit we don't need.

I just don't know what to do? I don't want to take a test until I'm a bit clearer about what is the right decision. I lost a close family member recently and it's almost like a sign.

I'm already pretty stretched doing everything the kids need and giving them all the opportunities I want to. But a big family is lovely too.

My husband thinks we should have the baby and that we are blessed to have it. I'm so worried that I won't be able to cope. The risks of something going wrong are so much higher. I'm not sure what I'm asking really just don't really have anyone to talk to in real life....

My instinct is to say 'congratulations' and give you flowers but that doesn't feel right given your ambivalence! It sounds like a lot of turmoil for you - so have the anyway!

Have you done the thing where you imagine you've made the decision one way or another, and see how each one 'feels'?

If you took away the other stuff, work, DH's frivolous spending etc.

How do you feel about it?

When we had a scare a few months ago, it took a few days. We were in shock and my first though was 'Oh fuck' 😂 We actually really started to like the idea of another one. AF arrived but then we realised then that we definitely did want another one.

Sometimes it takes a few days to sink in so perhaps wait a little while for a test confirmation and see how you feel.

I must admit I feel quite excited for you - when you mentioned your numbers already, I think large families are wonderful.

@shwarmachameleon I've got mixed feelings really. Part of me is very happy to be past the nappy and buggy stage. But I do feel that a child is very precious. I can't believe we have been so reckless to be in this position unplanned. My no 4 was a bit of a surprise but he actually just slotted in perfectly.

This will actually be the biggest age gap I've had (at one stage I had three at home) and on the positive side my elder children are all at school.

But I am getting on a bit! It finally felt like my family was getting some freedom from the baby stuff and we could do more stuff as a family that the older ones could enjoy - we are all going skiing as a family for the first time this winter for example as up until now there has always been a baby / toddler around. Our life is getting easier and it feels like this will just make it tricky again!

Babyhood goes so fast though - but I don't want to curtail my existing children during their short childhoods. All of my children have been asking for another sibling. Or a puppy. I'm very mixed but thank you for the congratulations.

@PlinkPlink what you say resonates a lot with me. We have very little family support though (I suspect that is why we have made such a big family!!). My background is Irish catholic (although I'm an only) so lots of massive families in my immediate extended family and they always seemed to be having a blast when I was growing up.

We've done the same 🙈 no.2 is on the way but I can't help but feel a bit upset that we've just reached a place where DS is more manageable and we have a bit more free time together. Now, we're going to go right back to the beginning again and have it even harder with a toddler in tow 😂

The upside is though, we know this time that it doesn't last forever. That difficult time in the first year or two doesn't last long and it does pass.

It's funny you mention curtailing your other children. We're great friends with a couple who have 4. The Dad wants another (and loves babies 😂), Mum doesnt. When I asked her why, she said something similar. She said she feels guilty that another one means taking away more time from the others. She has to spread herself and her time even more thinly and she suffers with guilt over that. Which makes sense.

Lovely that they've been asking for another sibling though. That must make you feel better? They'd love to have another one to look after.

You've got a whole list of pros and cons going on in your head, I bet. Have you tried writing them down? I always find clarity when I take my thoughts out of my head and put them on paper.

Can you afford to put 5 children through private school?

Well I would do the test first before think about what to do!

@Clymene probably not!! Not sure we can afford it for 4 if I'm honest. It's def a consideration but not the main one. That's the only bit we can't afford realistically and who honestly knows where they will be in a decade. Not those of us that are wage slaves anyhow. We live off our income not some massive pot of inherits wealth. We have a nice (biggish) house. 7 seater car.

@inwood I know that is the sensible thing but I know I am. I feel pregnant. I never took a test at all for no 4.

Congratulations plink